Short Story / Noxious Fumes

Interesting piece. I was a little put in the first half, it just seemed too jumpy, and hard to follow. It went from bird imagery to a drunken night between pals to confessions of love and relationships and finally hit the main point. I also wasn’t so sure about the tense, it kept switching from past to present and back, though I must say, the transition was a lot smoother than in other pieces I’ve read with the same problem.
Overall, I liked the story. It’s an interesting premise, but it needs to go somewhere, even if it’s just in terms of scene development or useless background info instead of the deal with this homeless pigeon man. It’s just too finicky right now.

Sat in the tree staring at it.
[This incomplete sentence is confusing because it could go either way: it could be the hawk, or it could be “we”]

We hiked back to our camp
[I notice that you’re going for maximum clarity and minimal word usage.  Remove “our” and replace “we” with “the two of us” or “Packer and I/me/myself”

and started a fire, placing a percolator on the grill.
[This implies that we walked back to camp placing a percolator on the grill.  ”Placing” should be “placed” to avoid this confusion]

I told him.

Packer opened
[That Packer is a male person is introduced before he is introduced as a person.  Transpose “him” and Packer]

“Where’s the pan?” He asked.
[This would be a nice place for characterization, this thing is boring, instead of saying he asked, which is obvious, say that he did something, like looked around, and then asked]

As it crumbled flames
[Comma after “crumbled”.]

Evil shapes formed in the fire.
[What is an evil shape?  What are plural evil shapes?]

I liked playing Dante.
[Dante wandered through the pits of hell and the pillars of heaven because it was a shortcut through the forest.  He didn’t stoke a fire]

Packer came over balancing everything in his hands.
[the way you mention it, six eggs, a pack of sausages, and a stick of butter must be obtuse and poorly balanced objects]

We’re crashing with his ex-girlfriend
[we are?]

To me she’s just a free place to stay. I joked, “can’t wait to see her swallow.”
[That’s a silly pun because swallows is plural, they aren’t her swallows, either.  Also, how did packer respond to such an insensitive statement?  That can’t have been the end of it]

Brown liquid gurgled up to the top of the percolator.
[That’s not how a percolator works.  The water sits under the coffee and comes to a boil.  Then, because of heat pressure, clear water starts splashing up a tube in the center and washing over the coffee grounds, in their basket.  This continues for a while.  It’s been… how long?  They haven’t even gotten the pan on the fire yet]

Overall, I have no idea what happened, what parts A, B, and C have to do with each other, or why the noxious fumes are supposed to evoke anything, let alone what they are supposed to evoke.  Short, short and minimalism are not the same thing.

I think you do a really good job of setting up a scene with so few words.  a lot of people can’t really give you a sense of space in twice the amount of words that you used. I like that the characters are talking without reallt talking.  It sort of reminded me of Hills like white elephants by Hemingway. I think you’ve got a good thing going here. I would say make the sitauion even more ambiguous if you can.

Throughout the early part of the story it is `life goes on as normal’. Main character entertained by poking fire (no intimation of what is on his mind – though `Dante.’ – possible oblique reference to character’s hell. The reader is unaware of any subject not being talked about until `Maybe there were other things’ we get an intimation that something serious has occurred.  Whether there should be indication (clue) earlier is a question. The exchange of dialogue you handled well – the idea of reluctance to talk about events by Packer. So both characters are talking but not at each other. The dialogue content itself was sound and believable. So skillfully done.

There were also good succinct images like the fire, grease on the table – the hawk.

You establish a past between the two men almost effortlessly in the second last paragraph `I gave him the look I’ve given…like an ass’ look.’ – well handled. Would suggest separate paragraph for this to add impact and have Packer recommence in new paragraph.

. `Sat in the tree staring at it.’ – sentence needs a subject – could be `The hawk’ or ‘It’ though see may have been trying to avoid use. suggest join this sentence onto previous ie `…then sat…’. Will lengthen sentence so suggest shorter sentence to start eg `…tree. Dropping it’s (the) prey …’ Just suggestions.

`Dante.’ – possible oblique reference to character’s hell.

`…If not now(,) then…’

The ending itself, the last paragraph, just didn’t seem to fit in (or integrate) with the story. How does `noxious fumes’ reflect back on what has happened in the story. I can see that this is put out there as a hook to a continuation ie a novel chapter. I mean there is the contrast to their present location nature wise – but character has described as `hell’ so I cannot see contrast. And if it relates to the crime ie what a city engenders – then I think it is too general.

If you want to pursue it as a short story I would try for a simmering undercurrent (ambiguous) earlier and throughout to add weight to revelatory ending.

I thought this was well written, and a tight satisfying story – like a crucial snapshot (which communicates the existence of a bigger picture). Well done. Good luck with this

Hrm, I’m worried that this story has gotten a lot of ‘this isn’t a whole story’ style reviews.  So I’m not gonna talk about that at all.  Do you want to make this longer or keep it short?  Cause if it’s longer you can expand, and blend your ideas more.  Connect the camping, the images of plastic nature (duraflame logs, gas stoves etc.), and the last segment on noxious fumes to something bigger.  Or the way that I would go, and this is just a thought.  You should justxtapose more, and have less story.  The whole bit about the girlfriend is rather outside the purpose that I saw, of this story.  I would like to see more images of civilization, and more images nature distinctly separated, and possibly even not just saying nature good, city bad.  Really getting into the dynamic that they have, and possibly (though this is more likely my vision than yours) show how we are all apart of an equilibrium, and that we could not exist without these things, and we are living in a harmony, and equilibrium, whether we know it or not.  

OK I’m a little off topic…I think it’s a story with good potential but if I could sugguest a few things I personally would like to see more of:

A)        Juxtapositions
B)        More vivid imagery.
C)        Speak honestly to what the real relationship you are talking about is, not just what seems easy… not that you did that too bad in this version.

“We leave oure mark, even in the places we cannot reach.”