Poetry / Tempting Fate

With a circle on a calendar
am I tempting fate?
Without pen and ink
would I forget the date?
Can I leave to memory
a night of bliss,
or should I seal it
with a kiss?
Kiss and tell
for all to see
that for a moment
you were special to me.
Can I leave it to fade
without a trace,
or should I etch in words
your loving face?
Should I reveal the truth
and give your name,
leaving myself
susceptible to blame?
Would I then be guilty
of trivialising love
with words which are not inspired
by the above?
Is it suffice
to leave in time
the spoken words
we leave behind?
Or should I leave
in metric rhyme
insufficient words
which are confined
by the conformity
of poetic law
which belies the love
that we explore?
Who would care
but you and I?
What reason more
to justify
the need in me
to kiss and tell.
It’s done now
so what the hell.
Now, if I never
see you again,
the memory will
here remain.
So here I’ve committed,
by the pen,
the memory of
two loving men.

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Reviews

February 21, 2009

GreenIguana

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
498	79.2% (236 votes)	17.4%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
45	F	NY, NY	November 22

GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

This was quite entertaining.
I think you should change “seal it with a kiss” which is a cliche. Also I don’t see how that phrase accords with the idea you seem to elaborating on, the decision whether or not to describe your love in poetry.
The word “committed” in the line fourth from the end begs “to what” presumably to paper. I suggest revising that sentence.
I would like to see the final version of this poem!

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0	0.0% (0 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
46	M	Germany	February 23

October 25, 2007

varo_borja

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
106	68.4% (38 votes)	15.3%

REVIEW QUALITY: 0.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
36	M	Lenoir, NC	March 02

varo_borja reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Nice, light poem. It certainly has strong points, but I must confess, I detest most love poetry. Love poetry is very hard to get published, and this one is just not good enough, in my opinion, to warrant most of your goals. You have some nice allusions and the flow is good, but other than that this piece is mediocre. I would suggest either A. instilling some real emotion in the piece or B. stop writing love poetry, at least for possible publication. Good luck with your endeavors.