Thanks Jacquie. You are right, that sentence is too long. It needs a break after ”...darkwood club.” I do sometimes slip in to overdrive on sentence length. It’s a habit I will cure myself of.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Legends of Old Karel Chapter 11
Holman Tollyd was puzzled. He stood in his office gazing blankly out of the large window trying to absorb the news being delivered by his secretary and trying to work out why it all sounded so false. “Mika,” he asked at last, “This murdered man, was he crew or a passenger?”
“Ah, well, My Lord, that’s just it. He wasn’t one of the ship’s regular crew, but he wanted passage and the regular First Officer was sick. He was a first class officer, ex-Navy apparently. He wanted to do some trade on his own account in Twyn, and the captain signed him on to work his passage down there and back,” Mika replied, “so I suppose he was a bit of both. Legally he was crew and therefore since the ship is Lord Bannen’s then his lordship is the one who must take any action. In law he is both responsible for, and responsible to, his workers, as they are to him.”
“So why is he doing nothing? Why has this death not even been reported? If it were not for one or two friends of mine we would know nothing about it. “ Lord Tollyd turned and walked across to his desk, and picked up the single sheet of paper which spoiled its otherwise pristine emptiness. As with all of the written intelligence provided by his network it gave no clue as to its origin, nor how the information had been obtained. It was merely a bald statement of the facts as known. Though it was a necessary precaution with written reports he found it singularly frustrating that he had no background in this case about how the information was obtained. “This report makes no sense. The ship’s First Officer, regular or not, is murdered. His body is taken back on board ship, and the vessel sails immediately. The victim is buried at sea, with all due honours. On arrival back here the crew are not allowed shore leave, the cargo is not discharged, new provisions are taken on and the ship departs immediately. Bound, we are told, for Strand.” He slapped the polished wood of the desk with his open palm in frustration, “If it were not for the fact that the Captain was forced to declare cargo for import taxes and allow an inspector on board then we would never have known anything about this.”
“My Lord, perhaps Lord Bannen is merely trying to avoid any trouble. If no-one knows of this murder then he need not make an official matter out of it. He is known to favour a policy of peace and to be against stirring up trouble. Maybe he thinks that some of the hotter heads would use it as a stick to beat the Tribes with. If one of theirs murdered an Empire sailor then surely many of our citizens would demand to see justice done?”
“Perhaps, Mika. But I doubt even Bannen would go that far. Peaceful co-operation is one thing, but to collude in keeping a murder quiet is as much an offence in the eyes of the Law as the actual murder itself. If there were any chance that the news would get out then his friends on the Council would be unable to help him and his enemies would ensure his destruction. No. There must be something more to it. If he is taking a risk like this then there is more to it than a simple desire to keep the peace. After all, if the man was murdered then the Tribes would hardly object if the Empire demanded justice. If things were reversed then they would certainly demand it of us!”
“Indeed, my Lord,” agreed Mika, and pulling sheet of paper from the sheaf in his hand he glanced at it and then laid it on his master’s desk. “In fact you remind me that we have received a request for the return of a Tribelander who robbed and killed an old man some weeks ago and escaped, heading, it was believed, towards the Empire.
Lord Tollyd looked down at the short document and read it swiftly, “A youth, tall, red haired, called Adyan of Marus.” He glanced up at Mika, “Adyan, eh? Now there’s a name to conjure up trouble with! But it’s hardly a Tribeland name. How many Adyans did we have, five?”
“Yes, my Lord. Five Adyans, five Mariks, three Llantellians, and one Sophos right at the end.”
“Ah yes, Mika. We mustn’t forget old Sophos at the end. Now if it were a Sophos the Tribes wanted I’m sure we’d be glad to oblige. But an Adyan? Maybe we could do some good with an Adyan, eh?” Tollyd chuckled, and handed the paper back to his secretary. “But, you see the point? If this boy is found in the Empire then we would surely hand him back for them to deal with. So why would our request for the murderer of our sailor be the cause of any issue for them? So why would Bannen want to keep this secret?”
“I do not know, My Lord,” said Mika shaking his head, “Though in principle I would say that if a man is desperate to keep a secret then the best way of finding it out is to ensure that revelation is in his best interests.”
“True, Mika. Very true. But, the really important question that we need to answer, is whether it would be in our interests to reveal this secret?” Tollyd wandered back towards the window and gazed out on the thronged entrance way to the Palace. “Or indeed, if not our interest, then whose?” he added, musingly. “Mika, I need to ponder a little on this. Are there any more appointments booked for today?”
“Only one, My Lord. Lieutenant Joss of the Prince’s Watch is waiting to deliver a message to you from Colonel Pen. He declined to pass it through me. He is in the far waiting room making free with a few pastries, and gawping at the serving maids.”
“Very well, show him in and then return after five minutes with any messages for me. I shall be out later, its time I went to have a chat and a drink with my old friends at the Harbour Office.”
As Mika turned and left the room Holman Tollyd seated himself at the large desk and read the brief report again. He was still looking at it when Lieutenant Joss was shown in. The young officer was clearly impressed with the circles in which he found himself moving. He marched stiffly across the floor of Lord Tollyd’s office, halted precisely in front of the desk and saluted with parade ground vigour. “Sir! Message from Colonel Pen, Sir!” He took a sealed envelope from a pouch at his side and held it out eagerly.
Tollyd sat quite still for a moment, before replying, and scrutinised the young soldier with great care. There was evidence of much scouring and shining of the black and silver armour, and the boy’s painfully scrubbed face was glowing almost red. His boots were polished till they gleamed, his cloak turned back at precisely the regulation angle to reveal the edge of the inner red lining, and the message pouch had been oiled and cleaned. There was, Tollyd also noted, a large bulge of paper still in the bag.
“Am I wearing uniform, young man?” He asked, keeping his tone deliberately mild.
Lieutenant Joss looked startled, but before he could reply Tollyd held up a weary hand, “The answer of course is no. I am not. So please don’t salute. Nor in fact have I any military rank, so ‘Sir’ is not appropriate either. Though, ‘My Lord’ is!” He took the proffered document and examined the unmarked seal, “Do you know the content of this message?”
“No, Sir! I mean, My Lord.” The boy was rattled, and his gaze had dropped down to the desk, instead of the air an inch above his lordship’s head.
“Then, if the pouch were stolen, how would you have delivered the message?” asked Tollyd, keeping his face straight and his lips in a tight line.
“I would not let it be stolen, My Lord.”
“Really? Well that’s comforting. You would cope with half a dozen bully-boys all on your own, or chase a cut-purse through strange streets into who knows what dangers. It is good to know that bravery is still alive and well within the Regiment, even if accompanied by stupidity.” He watched the boy’s face tighten at the insult and his cheeks redden. Without further comment he slid a silver knife blade under the seal, cracked it open and extracted the two sheets of paper from within and read them carefully.
“Is there more than this note for me, or is that it?” he asked after he had read it through twice.
“There is a verbal message from Colonel Pen. He simply said to say to you that the Squadron you discussed has left as ordered, and will report in due time as you requested. Those were his exact words, My Lord.”
“Good, thank you for that. Yet, if there is no more for me then what other messages have you in that heavy pouch, which you would defend to the death?”
“Requisitions for supplies from Mardik Yelden, My Lord.”
Tollyd leaned back in his chair, and clasped both hands behind his head. He fiddled with the large silver ring on his little finger for a moment and then leant forwards, “May I see them?” he asked, holding out a hand. “That’s not actually a request, Lieutenant, you may consider it an order,” he added as the boy hesitated.
“My Lord,” said Joss. “Of course.” He led out a large wad of papers, each a separate sheet, numbered at the top.
Lord Tollyd began to read each one, and then looked at the young officer still standing stiffly to attention in front of him. “Lieutenant, forgive an old soldier’s sharpness. You have done well enough, but please learn one lesson. An officer obeys orders, and does just what he is told. A good officer obeys orders but also ensures that the task he is given to do can be carried out regardless. And he does not over-estimate his own capabilities. Now, please take the weight off your feet. Go sit in one of those chairs by the small table, there is a water jug and glass, please, help yourself.”
The boy’s face brightened instantly, “Thank you, My Lord. I am sorry if I was being stupid.”
“No more than I was at your age! It is an old man’s folly to try to drive forty years of experience into a young head with sharp words. Now go, sit down while I see what our taxes are being spent on, eh?” As he watched the boy turn and make his way over to the table he could not quite hide a quick grin. It always worked, on the young and proud.
Tollyd began to read through each of the requisitions with interest. Picking up a pen, he marked each one with his initials before placing it down on the desk in a sloppy pile. He glanced over at the table from time to time, Joss’s eyes were wandering round the large room, taking in the pictures on the walls, the furniture, floor coverings, even the vase of fresh flowers, as if memorizing the lot.
There was a gentle tap at the door connecting to Mika’s office, and his secretary’s head appeared. “My Lord, you have a number of messages waiting and there is that meeting you mentioned,” he said discreetly.
“Thank you, Mika, I won’t be a moment. Could you gather up these requisitions for me and pass them back to my young friend here.” As he spoke he swept all the papers on his desk into a pile, and then extracted a single sheet, which he carefully folded and put into a drawer.
Mika stepped forward and holding the papers loosely in his hands tapped the edges against the desk, then held the neatened pile out to Lieutenant Joss.
“Thank you, Lieutenant.” Said Tollyd, his voice warm and friendly, “You have been most patient. I have initialled all of these for you, not strictly necessary but it means that Yelden should have no trouble putting in his bill, eh? Mika, if you could show the officer out? Goodbye Lieutenant, very glad to have met you.” He stood and moved towards the main door, one arm behind Joss’s back ushering him courteously to the exit, and allowed Mika to accompany the young officer downstairs.
A few moments later Mika reappeared, “My Lord, you seem to be in remarkable good humour,” he commented.
“Do I, Mika? Do I indeed? Well that may be because I can sense a little excitement in the air. The lieutenant’s sealed message from Pen was most intriguing. How do you think our friend Dywan Tel would react if he knew that not only had one of Lord Bannen’s men been murdered, but also that same dead man had actually murdered a Tribeland woman. And not just any women, not some whore in the night, oh no. He had murdered the Chatelaine of Marus Abbey in front of a dozen witnesses including the Reeve of Twyn. “
“My Lord, he would call for Lord Bannen to be impeached, and he would probably get the support of Lord Gelbren and most of the Ruling Council. Even if you voted with Bannen you may be defeated. Perhaps you should let me file these reports in a safe place, you are right, they are incredibly dangerous.”
“Ah, well, now Mika. Do you know I think I may have already been very careless with those bits of paper. In fact I think I have only the second sheet of Pen’s message left. I suppose that the other is mixed up in all those requisitions that are on their way to Mardik Yelden. Here, have a look at this second sheet, tell me what you make of it?” He pulled open the desk drawer and took out the sheet of folded paper.
Mika read it silently and then pursed his lips. “The description of the murderer is very good, you can almost see the man. There is no name of course, but we also know that he had been an Empire Naval officer, with a penchant for using a darkwood club, which all sort of brings a name to mind, I can remember the court-martial. Though I had not pegged him as an employee of Lord Bannen’s, indeed far from it.”
“We think alike, and I spy a plot which has gone wrong, I think the intent was to begin to discredit Lord Bannen, the first sheet of Pen’s message talks of the sailors on Bannen’s ship behaving outrageously, doubtless egged on by our First Officer acting on his true master’s orders. I think the murder of the Chatelaine and the subsequent death of our man has rather spoiled things. I think we may be in for some interesting Council meetings, especially if Tel, as I expect he is, is ignorant of this little game.”
“Yes, My Lord.” Mika replied, and turned to leave, then paused. “There is one other thing which occurs to me, My Lord. The murdered woman, the Chatelaine of Marus Abbey. If I recall correctly she had two sons, twins. One of them was, I believe, called Adyan.”
Tollyd looked up. “Now that, Mika, strikes me as interesting. Go check our card index, if you are right then our outlaw may be more than he seems. I don’t approve of co-incidences. Let me know; and let me know if there is any trace of him in the Empire.”
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Zakari39 reviewed Version 1 -
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Mmm. Plenty to ponder, plotwise. Tollynd is devious, but doesn’t come across as particularly sinister or evil – although he and Mika seem to have a Machiavellian delight in their scheming.
The revelation of political goings-on, and information about the Tribelands is poured on slowly – I felt I was learning enough to help grasp the plot, without being ‘dumped’ upon. ( A problem of mine certainly!)
The description of the over-zealous Lieutenant was, like the man, well polished. It leapt out because of the lack of descriptions of items and objects in the rest of the piece. I don’t know how deliberate it was, but the room felt sparser in my imagination than the reality may well be – although in it’s defense, the lack of clutter then helps to lift the dialogue, which is of course the crux in a scheming, intriguing discussion such as this.
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Iniriba reviewed Version 1 -
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I love a good political manuvering story. This brings to mind George RR Martin’s recent A Song of Ice and Fire books. I have not had the chance to read any of the rest of this, but I know that if I came across this in the book store I would buy it.
AmyWalker reviewed Version 1 -
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WOW!!!! Im not really into the whole Sci or Fantasy stuff apart from lord of the rings trilogy but mate you had my attention all the way through mate it was awesome, Awesome storyline and amazing characters well I thought so anyways, this could be the next big thing you know you never know these days someone lucky person will see your work and say HEY this person has got definite potential and I would definitely agree with them.
Thanks for the awesome read I really enjoyed it from the first line to the last. I found that as I was reading it I was reading a modern day sci-fi middle-aged film it was awesome well I thought so anyways just keep up the awesome work and I shall definitely keep an eye out for more of your work.
Just absolutely top stuff especially if you read from beginning to end.
Awesome stuff mate
Amy!
OldShepster reviewed Version 1 -
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What I liked:
Good lead sentence. ”Holman Tollyd was puzzled” raises some obvious questions in the reader’s mind.
You did a nice job of showing character through your dialog tags. Little things like slapping a desk help display emotion and build character.
Nice job with the courier’s characterization. So many writers would have just inserted a cardboard character, but you made him come to life.
What would have caused me to like it more:
Much of your dialog is fairly long. My own internal rule is to examine closely anything over three sentences. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but I would have liked to see a little more give and take in the dialog. This is particularly true of Lord Tollyd. Based on the desk slapping and exclamation points, the Lord seems to be a fairly emotional and impatient man. I can’t see him letting Mika talk at length when he disagrees with him.
Maybe I’m jaded by my years as a manager, but it seems hard to believe that Lord Tollyd would only have one meeting scheduled. He doesn’t seem like a “hands off” ruler.
“The young officer was clearly impressed with the circles in which he found himself moving.” This was a good line, but I would have rather had Mika deliver it in dialog than receive it as exposition.
I would have preferred you drop the last paragraph. That would have left a “thinking man’s” last line, where the reader tries to puzzle through what the impact will be.
Overall: The writing is on par with some of the better fantasy writers I have met in various critique groups. I enjoy the plot twists, but there wasn’t quite enough originality to distinguish it from the other good writers. Good writing though, not hard to get through at all.
Hope this helps,
Shep
Jacquie reviewed Version 1 -
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I haven’t read the beginning of this story so I am a little lost in terms of the characters. The story seems to follow a good enough plot line but I think you need to edit for grammer and sentence structure.“The description of the murderer is very good, you can almost see the man. There is no name of course, but we also know that he had been an Empire Naval officer, with a penchant for using a darkwood club, which all sort of brings a name to mind, I can remember the court-martial.” This is an example of a sort of rambling that doesn’t have a place in writing. The reader loses the menaing of the sentence at the end because it is long and meandering – almost trying to make a few points without taking a breath. I do like the way the progresses – it seems logical and the ending of this particular peice does make the reader want to read more – to find out about thw tins, Adyan and their place in the story. The plot thickens, as it were. Good Luck
PeterPrince reviewed Version 1 -
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I was very satisfied by everything I saw. The grammar the syntax, just put a little salt and pepper on your vocabulary and description and you’re good to go! What intrigued me was that by the time I was done reading it, I was lost in your world, thinking of politics and the twins, great, totally believable. I think you should do this to the end, for it is a wonderful piece of work.
dwkeys reviewed Version 1 -
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Not having had the opportunity to read previous chapters, I can’t comment on the story and how it’s unfolding. However, this section seems well done and the dialogue moves along nicely. Based upon your well-written description of the young Lieutenant Joss, I’m sure Mika and Tollyd were described in earlier segments.
The one thing that I think you should consider is breaking up Tollyd’s dialogue that starts with Perhaps, Mika. But I doubt even Bannen… That got a little long. Some action on Tollyd’s part in the middle would help with that.
Overall, a good section.
jfmalewitz reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
I will do my best to be constructive. I believe I have read chapters of this book before. Anything I can offer should be taken with a grain of salt, because I have never published fiction.
“He stood in his office gazing blankly out of the large window trying to absorb the news being delivered by his secretary and trying to work out why it all sounded so false.” I liked your opening line because it was so simple. This line is too complicated for my tastes. You could split it up, but I am not sure that would work either. It is just to long, though it is focused. I like what you say here, its just your way of expressing it is too long.
“Mika replied, “so I suppose he was a bit of both. Legally he was crew and therefore since the ship is Lord Bannen’s then his lordship is the one who must take any action. In law he is both responsible for, and responsible to, his workers, as they are to him.”” After Mike replied, period. You can start the next sentence with So. I think it will still work that way. Usually you do not want to continue a sentence after a he said or she said. Or you could put the he said after “Bit of both.”
““My Lord, perhaps Lord Bannen is merely trying to avoid any trouble.” The paragrah here and the one before it are written well. Just wanted to point that out. I like the political aspects.
“Lord Tollyd looked down at the short document and read it swiftly,” I would consider cutting the adverb swiftly. I use adverbs in non-fiction sometimes, but they always sound contrived. I learned that by reading Stephen King’s “On Writing.” Most adverbs are unnecessary—”and read it” would work just as well.
“he added, musingly.” Same thing here just a few paragraphs down. No adverb needed.
“He glanced over at the table from time to time, Joss’s eyes were wandering round the large room, taking in the pictures on the walls, the furniture, floor coverings, even the vase of fresh flowers, as if memorizing the lot.” This is a run-on, a failing for me too. I would put a period after time and before Joss. So it would be ”He glanced over at the table from time to time. Joss’s eyes were wandering around the large room, taking in the pictures on the walls, noting the furniture, floor covers, and even the vase of fresh flowers.” That would be my fix, but as long as it is not a runon you’re fine.
I hope some of that helped. I can look at this story again later if you want. It has potential with the politics and your talent for dialogue. Thanks for letting me read this.
robinDEredwine reviewed Version 1 -
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You write quite well. Out of curiosity, I’m wondering (particularly in this sci-fi genre), why you don’t use any contractions in your dialogue? In most cases it makes the dialogue sound more formal, less conversational. I noticed that you’re using formal titles, so perhaps your intent is for the dialogue to have this formal tone, but didn’t know if you were even aware of it.
Other than that, the story moves at a fast pace, there is no lull where you want to skim the pages…it’s upbeat and fun to read. I look forward to reading your next installment, and think I’ll go back and try to read your other chapters, even if I don’t get credit for it.
Robin
Valdieron reviewed Version 1 -
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Well written. My only gripe is the amount of dialogue bogs the reader down, well it did for me.
A few structure issues with dialogue, such as a period or comma should be inside the ” ”.
A couple fo sentences are also very long, and could do with some re-structuring, eg,
“We think alike, and I spy a plot which has gone wrong, I think the intent was to begin to discredit Lord Bannen, the first sheet of Pen’s message talks of the sailors on Bannen’s ship behaving outrageously, doubtless egged on by our First Officer acting on his true master’s orders.
I winced when the soldier said “I am sorry if I was being stupid.” That just didn’t seem like a commetn a soldier would make, no matter how young, but maybe once again that’s just me.
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