Hmmm. I wasn’t really going for comedy, so I’m not sure which parts were funny. Repetition is a very important part in folktales.
Thanks for your feedback!
Short Story / The Black Swan
Many and long years ago, before the eldest of the three glenfnaeg brothers took the magic from the world to keep his teakettle hot, there lived a young couple. Her husband was a Finder of Things, and his wife a Worker of Flax. Her husband was very well respected in the nearby village for his talent in locating rare herbs and lost animals, and everyone agreed that his wife made the finest cambric.
Each morning, her husband would arise with the sun, feed the goat, and take six good sausages with him into the fens, for he was a big man and it took much to fuel him. His voice would carry back to their hut, where his wife would awaken, hearing her husband sing:
Away with the sun and home with the moon
O-ly-diddly-I-o
I carry a knife better than I carry a tune
O-ly-diddly-I-ay
Fierce creatures guard treasure out in the fen
O-ly-diddly-I-o
I might not make it home again
O-ly-diddly-I-ay
Should I be lost in the dank of the bog
O-ly-diddly-I-o
Look for my body under a log
O-ly-diddly-I-ay
O-ly-diddly-I-o, my Darling
O-ly-diddly-I-o
If you cannot find me, just keep calling out
O-ly-diddly-I-o
This song sounded much better in their tongue, but this was before the middle of the three glenfnaeg brothers stole that language in order to convince a raven to bow to a crow.
His wife would arise upon hearing her husband’s song, and began working the flax. On some days she pounded, on others she combed, on still others she spun and wove. No matter her task, she would break off at midday and prepare six good sausages for her husband to take with him the next morning.
One evening, her husband did not come home. She was concerned, of course, but as he was a big man, with six good sausages to fuel him, she did not worry too much.
The next morning she overslept, having no song to awaken her, and consequently, she was rushed all day. The flax did not get pounded (it was her day to pound), and she only had time to make three good sausages. This so frustrated her that she burst into tears, fearing that her husband would not have enough to eat. She cried into the night over those sausages, not willing to admit that she was crying for her husband. He was a big man, and even with only three good sausages to fuel him (she was sure), he would still be able to make it home to her.
Having stayed up very late the night before, she again overslept, and was even further behind. The flax did not get combed (it was her day to comb), and she only had time to make one good sausage. This sent her into a black despair, and she wailed until she thought her heart must have surely been breaking into tiny pieces. This time, she was willing to admit that she was afraid for her husband, and she resolved to go looking for him.
The next morning, she awoke at dawn, though, in truth, she had not really slept, and leaving the weaving undone (it was her day to weave), she carefully prepared nine good sausages, as her husband was a big man, and had been several days without food.
She made her way to the fens, and began to search, calling out O-ly-diddly-I-o until her throat was raw with desperation. As it grew dark, she found a dry spot and settled down for the night, eating one of the sausages to keep up her strength, and saving the rest for her husband, whom she would surely find on the morrow.
Day followed day, and each day the same for his wife. She called out O-ly-diddly-I-o until hoarse, found a dry spot, ate a sausage, and promised herself that she would find her husband on the morrow.
By the ninth day, she could barely speak, and whispered O-ly-diddly-I-o throughout the fens, stumbling into brambles and vines. She had not even found a really dry spot when she collapsed, too tired to even weep.
She was startled by the sudden appearance of a man rowing through the swampy water towards her. He was not her husband, as he was much smaller, but he had an easy familiarity about him that caused her not to become frightened. As he neared, she saw that he was riding an alligator, and paddling with a key. As you have probably already guessed from that description, this was the youngest of the three glenfnaeg brothers.
“Goodlady, why?” he inquired gently, and it is a tribute to his compassion that he could make two words do the work of many, for the whole story poured from her in a hoarse torrent.
As he listened, he made his ease on the not-really-dry spot, and she absently took out the last good sausage and gave it to him, so distracted was she by telling her tale.
He ate the sausage gladly, for his last meal had been in the spring, when the King of the Stones had left his eggs unguarded for a Tuesday-eve, in order to play at Flutes and Discs. When he discovered that she had given him the last of her food, he was quite ashamed. Then he gave a sorrowful smile.
“Goodlady, come,” he said, stretching out his hand. He helped her onto the alligator, and paddling with the key, moved them deeper into the fens. He rowed them to a spot that looked no different than any other, and stopped. She looked around, but saw no apparent reason for their having quit their journey, until she saw the dyed linen shirt caught under a submerged log. Her breath caught mid-gasp, and her tears flowed in an unchecked stream. Though her voice was gone, her raspy cries were heartbreaking.
“Goodlady stay?” the youngest of the three glenfnaeg brothers asked her, and she turned glistening eyes to him. Slowly, she nodded, and he lifted her off of the alligator, and gently deposited her on the surface of the water. A beautiful black swan, calling out hoarsely, swam over to the log to be with her husband.
The three glenfnaeg brothers left soon after that, but they made sure that everyone in the village knew the story, so if the Black Swan hasn’t died, she is still there to this day. I heard about it from my great-uncle, who was from a neighboring village, and he has no reason to tell me untruths.
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rollingbolus reviewed Version 2 -
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Many and long years ago --- many years ago?
would arise with the sun --- ‘rise’ would sound better here
and began working the flax --- and begin working…
on still others --- on others still
No matter her task --- no matter what her task was
having no song to awaken her --- to wake her
and each day the same for his wife --- felt the same to?
you end two sentences around this point with ‘on the morrow’....it’s a bit repetitive so maybe you could change one to ‘the next day/the following day’?
that caused her not to become frightened --- this is a little clumsily worded, maybe you could change to to ‘so she was not alarmed’ or ‘she felt calm in his presence’
from that description, this was the youngest --- from this description, he was the youngest
her raspy cries --- rasping
I think you overuse different forms of the word ‘hoarse’, it’s repeated throughout and you’d do better to use some synonyms to vary your descriptions.
Overall this was a pretty quaint and enjoyable tale. You created a believable fairytale world with your use of the voice and style of language. You might however want to think about changing some of the more archaic forms of some of your verbs (e.g. awaken) as sometimes they don’t sound quite right, some places yes, some places no
good luck working on this
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JessicaJudy reviewed Version 2 -
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When I read the synopsis, this story piqued my interest. However, I find the actual story to be more of a parody than a myth. The way you have written it is comical. I see what you were getting at, it just didn’t deliver. Perhaps you should be less repetitive.
Katieh_04 reviewed Version 2 -
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“Her husband was a Finder of Things, and his wife a Worker of Flax.” This seems wrong to me. I think that you should make it THE husband and THE WIFE. It will make it easier to read, without my brain stopping to wonder if I just read something wrong or not.
The glenfnaeg brothers are very interesting characters, making it fun to read.
This is a nice start. I think if you work on it a bit more, it will be a really nice story. If you are not planning to make it longer, perhaps you could fill us in on who those mysterious characters really are a bit.
piratequeen13 reviewed Version 2 -
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This is the BEST thing I have read on this site without a doubt. You have a real talent, and I absolutely loved the way a lot of your paragraphs rhymed, making this seem not ony like a peom but real and true folklore. Bravo!
My only critiques would be that if you are going to rhyme through so much of the story, then rhyme it sililarly all the way through. This really adds a lyrical quality.
Slowly, she nodded, and he lifted her off of the alligator, and gently deposited her on the surface of the water. A beautiful black swan, calling out hoarsely, swam over to the log to be with her husband.
This ending part is a little weak and somewhat confusing. I am not really sure what happened here or how she became a swan, or why other than to be with her husband. Why a swan? Tell us a little more.
I am also not sure I love the very last sentence.
Otherwise, GREAT JOB! Don’t stop writing. I woul love to see you do a whole collection of these to be published in a whole volume.
Prestonina reviewed Version 2 -
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I like that this isn’t the average folklore story put up here. You can see that there was thought put into this. I did enjoy the sort of only half mentionings of what seem to be very strange happenings, and referring to them simply as fact or time markers. That was a good addition, and it was an excellent way of getting into the storytellers frame of mind. I enjoyed your comma usage, i.e. I enjoyed the fact that you weren’t afraid to use them. Stylistically this definitely matched the subject matter, and it was just stylized enough so that it wasn’t over kill. I would keep the, “The flax did not get pounded (it was her day to pound), and she only had time to make three good sausages.” The repeating it was her day to: was really effective for some reason. Grammatically I didn’t pick up on anything. My one complaint is that I had to read the end twice, because I totally missed the point in the last couple paragraphs. That could be me being tired, and I don’t want you to be too direct, but I would suggest at least going over it again. I did like the sort of gossip spin at the end, too. Great touch. Good job :)
xXxSamuraiGothicTTOxXx reviewed Version 2 -
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I was kind of lost about the ending,it was good.But could you go into a little more detail.
Shouldnt it have been obvious by 2 days that something was wrong,a husband isnt usually going to be gone that long,just food for thought.
it might help if more visual discription in the clothing and other areas might help,but I don’t know if it would be neccessary.
Why would someone ride an alligator? Just curious.
Waterlily reviewed Version 2 -
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I really liked this story and it often made me smile. The wife is a quirky character with resilence like no other. Your story did feel rushed at the end though as if you ran out of information/ideas/time, whatever. I would like to see the ending more drawn, but as it is works too. Thank you for sharing your story.
josephjjoyy reviewed Version 2 -
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first off this story is not my type of read, but i liked it. I am a european history teacher, it it envokes images of peasents eeking out simple livings. Anyway, i like your style, it is crisp, clear cut, detailed. however, i was a little confused about the brothers. and did her husband die…i think u should just clarify it a bit…but i liked it
MacCrasik reviewed Version 2 -
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I really like this. It has a strong taste of Schlosser, or Anderson. If this is an original piece, bravo and well-done! True to many such tales, there is a moral lesson behind the curtain, and if one cares to look closely enough, more than one under a rug or two ;) All through, you are true to the flavor of the telling. A very enjoyable read.
chrry81 reviewed Version 2 -
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hello. I liked your story, I think it’s nice you chose to write something on folklore, it’s getting lost each day a little more, I think.
there are a few things I will point out for you though. All in all I found it amusing and enternaining, not so much admirable, still i liked it.
So here it goes:
on the very first sentence you say:
“of the three glenfnaeg brothers took the magic from the world to keep his teakettle hot, there lived a young couple.” I think this would have to be two separate sentences: the brothers took the magic from the world. there lived a young couple.
after that you say: Her husband, but actually the subject is the Couple, so it would have to be: The husband and The wife, you repeat this mistake several times after that.
this are just a few techinicalities i think.
one last thing though:
“but they made sure that everyone in the village knew the story, so if the Black Swan hasn’t died, she is still there to this day.”
i don’t like this sentence because it’s too obvious, if it hasn’t died of course it’s still there, right?
wouldn’t it be better if you say something like: if the swan hasn’t died you will hear a cry at nights, or a voice, or find a sausage on the shore near her?
just not the same thing twice in the same sentence.
that’s it so good luck.
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