Romance / RUN - Chapter 3 (Partial)

Chapter 3
        Seated at one of the small round tables at Heavenly Grinds, Rachel with her favorite Cherry Cordial Double Latte and Lauren with a double shot of espresso, the two friends shared an order of chocolate biscotti.  “Mmmm,” Lauren moaned in pleasure.  “How can something that tastes so sinful be good for you?”  
        “‘Cause they’re fat-free, sugar-free and low sodium, silly.”  Rachel responded laughingly.  “It’s the heavenly part of Heavenly Grinds – no guilt.”
        “How did you ever find this place, anyway?” asked Lauren.
“I didn’t.  Mom and Dad found this place years ago when she needed to eat something after her dialysis treatments to keep her sugar levels steady.  Ruth, the owner, adapted a lot of her recipes because, being so close to the dialysis center, a large portion of her customers were diabetic and also had specialized renal diet needs.  Her place started serving healthy choices long before other places saw a market for them.  Even the lattes are made with sugar-free, lo-cal syrups and skim milk.  How did you think I was always drinking these things without having to have someone bring me into work on a dolly?”  
        “I just figured you were lucky enough to have a really good metabolism,” Lauren grinned.
        “Yeah, right!” Rachel snorted.
        “So what kind of shopping do you have in mind, Rach?  Our usual?”
        “Window shopping?  No, I’m actually buying today!  You would not believe what the Twin Tornados have gone and done!” Rachel’s excitement began to shine through in her expression.
        “What?”
        “They bought me tickets for a Christian cruise to Hawaii!  You know I’ve always wanted to go.  And the brochure!” Rachel pulled it from her purse and laid it on the table between them.  “You wouldn’t believe the speakers and artists they have lined up!  Not to mention the number of stops on the various islands!”  
        Lauren quickly skimmed through the brochure.  “Hey, did you notice this?  This presenter is a Messianic Jew and she’s doing a workshop on Davidic dance!  That sounds like it could be a lot of fun!”
        “Maybe to someone who doesn’t have two left feet.”  Rachel snickered.
        “I’ve told you.  Anyone who can run the way you do shouldn’t have any problem dancing.  You’re just too self-conscious about it.  And Davidic dance isn’t about gracefulness anyway.  It’s about celebrating before the Lord!  I think you’d really enjoy this.  At least think about it, ok?”
        “All right.  I’ll consider it, but no promises.”  Rachel smiled.  “Anyway, about the shopping…”
        “Say no more…vacation stuff it is!”  

Three tiring hours later, Rachel dumped their bags into the trunk of her car.  “Well, it looks like I’m all finished.”
        “No, you’re not,” Lauren laughed.  “Bathing suit.”
        “I have one,” Rachel objected weakly.
        “Sure you do.  And it is perfectly fine, too…for the rag bag.  It’s faded by years of chlorine and you were just complaining last month that you needed to buy a new one because it was frayed and stretched out in all the wrong places.”
        “You’re right,” Rachel sighed as she pulled out into traffic.  “I was just thinking that I’d done enough shopping for the next few years!”
        “Wishful thinking, friend.  When you come back from the cruise you have MORE shopping to do,” Lauren grinned mischievously.
        “What are you talking about?” Rachel frowned in concentration as she negotiated the turn into the parking lot at a swimwear specialty shop.
        Lauren was quiet as Rachel pulled into a space and put the car in park.  Rachel turned to see Lauren blushing and smiling like a loon at the same time.  “You’ll have shopping trips and fittings for your maid of honor’s dress.”  Lauren stated simply.
        Rachel screeched and grabbed her friend in a hug.  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?  Here, I’ve been so focused on my trip and you’ve had your own big news.”
        “I wasn’t going to tell you until you came back from Hawaii but I just couldn’t wait.”  Lauren spoke more seriously than she had all day.  “You do so much for everyone else and I was going to dump even more work on you with this wedding.  You deserved to think about just you for a change.”
        “I’ve been doing that all day and you know I’m happiest when I’m busy helping someone else anyway.  I’m honored that you want my help.”
        “Are you kidding?  Want your help?  I couldn’t possibly manage without you!” Lauren exclaimed.
        “I’ll postpone…” Rachel started.
        “Oh, no you won’t!!!” Lauren interrupted.  “Todd and Taylor wanted you to have this.  I want you to have this!  The boss wants you to have this!  You are going and you are enjoying every minute of your trip!  And that is final!”
        Rachel laughed.  “If you and Paul are going to be married, don’t you think that you should quit referring to him as ‘the boss’?”
        “Well, he is at work.  And we plan to follow God’s marriage instructions, so at home…”  Lauren blushed again.
        “That’s right, at home you will be partners in Christ.  He might be head of the family, but your opinion matters.”
        “Well, it does at work too.  I just got in the habit of calling him that because it annoyed him and he was too complacent,” Lauren admitted.  “He needed someone to push him a little and I elected myself.”
        “That’s why you two will have a good marriage.  You complement each other so well.”  Rachel was happy for her friend, but a little sad for herself.  God, I love Lauren and Paul and want the best for them.  Please help me to accept Your Will in my own life and help me not to feel envy of their relationship.  Bless them both, Lord, in Jesus’ name.  Amen.  Rachel silently said a quick prayer.
        “No, Rachel.  We’ll have a good marriage because we both put God’s Will first in our lives.  As long as we both put His Will before our own desires, our marriage can’t fail.”  Lauren stated quietly.  “On a lighter note, we have some shopping to finish.”
        Rachel groaned. “I’d hoped you forgotten that.”  
        Lauren hooted with derision, breaking the serious mood.  “Forget shopping?  Not likely!”

Seemingly hundreds of swimsuits later, Rachel and Lauren were discussing the advantages and disadvantages of several possibilities when they were disrupted by a baritone voice raised in anger.  “No way, young lady!  You turn right around, head back into that dressing room and put on something DECENT!”  They looked over to see a man facing down a young girl, about 12, who was defiantly displaying a thong bikini.  Her eyes shooting daggers at the man, who appeared to be her father, she finally huffed, spun on her heel, and flounced off into the dressing room, taking care to slam the door hard enough to shake the thin walls.
        He placed his hand on the back of his neck and rolled his head in an apparent attempt to ease the tension across his shoulders.   He then rubbed his temples which led Rachel to believe that he was developing a headache as well.  Rachel felt immediate sympathy for him as she remembered Taylor’s passage through the teen years.  Without thinking, she looked at him and asked, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
        “I really don’t know.  Ever since her mom died…I just don’t know how to reach her…” he mumbled, almost as if he didn’t intend the words for her ears.  
        “Seriously, can I help?” Rachel insisted quietly.  Lauren was standing behind the stranger, frantically signaling no, hands waving to attract her attention.  Rachel, being who she was, was unable to ignore his pain and so tipped her head and rolled her eyes in a silent signal to Lauren to leave her be.  Lauren sighed and moved to take a seat on a bench nearby, knowing Rachel well enough to accept that she was going to help this stranger whether he wanted her to or not.  
        “What do you know about adolescent girls?” he asked.
        Rachel hid a smile.  “More than you can imagine.”
        “She needs a new bathing suit.  Normally her mother would have been the one to help her with a choice like this, but she died about 18 months ago.  She’s been raised in a Christian home, but since losing her mother, she’s been challenging everything, especially me.  I’m not trying to make her ‘geeky’ though she has accused me of it.  I just want her to buy something appropriate to her age and our faith.  I’ve noticed the ones you have been looking at are somewhat modest and she commented earlier on how ‘cool’ your clothes were.  Do you think you could help her pick out something similar?  I think she might listen to you.”  He sounded almost desperate.  
Rachel found herself unable to deny his request.  “Sure, I’ll be glad to help.”  She pretended she couldn’t see Lauren’s laughing headshake.  

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Librina avatar General Stranger

August 05, 2008

Librina

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Librina reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I like the start you have here and there is definitely building tension, however you put too much description in the dialogue.  You don’t have to give everything up front and having characters explain their lives completely results in the dialogue sounding tinny.

For example, at the end when the father is talking about his daughter needing a new bathing suit.  He says that she tells him he’s trying to make her look like a “geek” and that she was raised in a Christian household.  Those sound forced.  Maybe have the daughter say, when she slams back into the dressing room, something along the lines of “Only the geeks wear those kinds of bathingsuits” or something.  That’s very typical of a teenage response.  As for the Christian household issue, if that is a big part of the novel try working that into the story somewhere instead of having him say it.  Most people wouldn’t start what is, in reality, an introductory statement proclaiming their religion.

I do think your characters are very believable though and I am interested in reading more.  GOod luck!

Owl_Light avatar General Stranger

August 05, 2008

Owl_Light

REVIEW QUALITY: 0.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Owl_Light reviewed Version 1 - Read 60% of the Item

Heavenly grinds. as in bump and grind of dance of strippers. oops. you only meant coffee! Ha! Ha! nice fo par. made me laugh anyway.
Poor start then. onward..
Mum and Dad found..then when she..
that needs fixing
large part of the story is in a backwards looking speech. Why not start the story as it happens with M&D finding the place, which of course will have to have a different name if you want to be serious about writing it.
The converstation doesn’t flow.
this presenter is a mes.. jew..
Would anyone say that? Has anyone ever said anything like that? How would you know she was one? No-one goes around saying ‘I am a ..whatever religion, very precisely’
sorry gotta go. Hope what I’ve said as far as I read is helpful
Good luck

shadowedxrain avatar General Stranger

July 29, 2008

shadowedxrain

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
shadowedxrain reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I like the storyline thus far, but the piece could use some editing and some revision before getting shipped out to an agent, which I know you’re aware of. I’m aware that Lauren is a secondary character, but she’s weak and undeveloped compared to Rachel’s character. I would focus on her a bit, and make her personality and character more developed to the readers. As of right now, she’s dry and an exaggerated foil for Rachel. Rachel, on the other hand, is developed, but she could also use some work. Her flaws are almost too obvious.

I would suggest reworking how Lauren reveals her engagement to Rachel…as a reader, I had to go back a few times because the set-up was very confusing and didn’t seem to fit into the storyline. Perhaps switch the timing of it.

PIMckenzie avatar General Stranger

July 19, 2008

PIMckenzie

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
PIMckenzie reviewed Version 1 - Read 80% of the Item

You are moving in a very specific vertical market.  You need to find someone who shares your values and will review it accordingly. Personally, religion turns me off as I find it to be the root cause of all evil, so I am the wrong person to review your work.
It would be unfair to you for me to even venture there.
Best of luck.
PIM

MrShyRockstar avatar General Friend

August 19, 2007

MrShyRockstar

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
MrShyRockstar reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

This is a pretty cool story – (My mum read it, so she pointed it out-(ladyauthor2b)

I feel sorry for the girl trying on bathing suits. If I acted like that my mom would drag me out of the store and not buy me anything. Except this is her dad. Why would she show her dad that bathing suite! Embarrasing! I’m sad the girl’s mom is gone. That’s so sad. Hope that Rachel helps her out in the next chapter.

Jacquie avatar General Stranger

August 19, 2007

Jacquie

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Jacquie reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Sorry – I think your language is cumbersome and the dialogue isn’t really engaging. I am not a fan of ending sentences with words like “anyway” and you also tend to end lots of setences with a proposition. It is just poor mechanically, that’s all. I would work on this because an agent won’t get past the first paragraph. In today’s world, before submitting, you better make sure it is professionaly editied both for content and a line edit for punctuation, grammer, and sentence stucture. Please take these commenst as an effort to help – my assumption is that is writers come here – for honest assessments.

ThePlacesULgo avatar General Stranger

August 19, 2007

ThePlacesULgo

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
ThePlacesULgo reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Oh, the agony of swimsuit shopping.  My neon green one makes me look like a radioactive pickle, but enough about me.  

Your story was very easy to follow, and your characters seem well developed for the length of the piece.  I have known many women who could be either of these characters, so it was easy to connect to them.

I wonder a bit, though, how many teenage girls would be accepting of the advice of a strange woman regarding her swimsuit choice.  How does this girl react?  It will be interesting to see.

I think the best thing about this story is the way you use dialogue to communicate the strong bond between these two women.  After only a few paragraphs, I clearly felt that they could probably complete each others’ sentences.  It made me miss my best friend.

Good luck—you’ve got something good here.

wisedec4u avatar General Stranger

August 18, 2007

wisedec4u

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I am not big into Christian novels, but I felt drawn in by your characters.  Although, I thought the dialogue came off a bit preachy at times, I still enjoyed the exchange between Rachel and Lauren.  You should definitely keep developing this story.  I get the feeling there could be a nice romance  developing in the future between Rachel and stranger in the store. Post more when you’re finished with this chapter.  I like to see how the chapter ends.

Belles avatar General Stranger

August 18, 2007

Belles

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats
Belles reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Your goals were a little hard for me to judge. I hope you are seen on this site by agents and publishers.  The story is a nice Christian story. Mayhem must follow some I’m expecting in the next installment of this story that something happens between Rachel and this man.  There must be friction, nice touch teenage daughter, and drama. Even if the drama is lightweight.  She has to postpone her trip, because…or she decides to donate it because…something you’ll know what better than I has to happen to move the story along, but you are on the right track. Would love to read more.  Good writing.  Belles

beethree avatar General Stranger

August 18, 2007

beethree

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(2 votes ) personal info reviewer stats
beethree reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

The writing is focused strongly around the dialogue. I don’t know if that’s the author’s style or if it’s just that this passage requires such writing. Also, the Christian theme seems “eased into,” becoming more overt as one progresses, but I can’t tell if is the first touching of that subject in the work.

Hard to tell too much about story-telling skills with this snippet. There seems to be a bit too much relaince on commas.

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lupi

Age: 101
Loc: United States
Gen: F
Last Login: August 23
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