Poetry / Just Outside

Another WOW! I wonder if I’m being easy and/or ultra receptive today because I’m blown away for the second time today out of two readings.
Your grandma is a great teacher. This is going into my favorites.
Just one itsy-bitsy suggestion: remove the (an) from “is like an ambience.”, I think.
Fifteen years old? Protect  what you got. Don’t allow maturation destroy your voice. You got something special.

The structue is ok because it’s meant to be different.
I like normal sentence sturcture just because it’s so much easier to read.
The voice and clarity are good.
One key that I like is how you start with silence and end with silence.
It’s nice you actually know your Grandmother, many do not.

This is amazing.  I cannot believe that a fifteen year old wrote this, and I am very excited for you, as you should be as well.  This is one of the best (if not THE best) poems I have read on Urbis, and you are so young to be doing so well.  You really grabbed my attention with your beautifully simple language, an almost primordial feel, and your great line breaks. You do such an amazing job on this that I honestly think that with a few very slight changes you could turn this into something that even the most finicky of intelligent readers would fall in love with.  I feel like you are doing a terrific job of keeping it simple, but I think that it could really stand to be even simpler.  There are a few lines that are a bit cliché and overused, (but nonetheless insightful).  The great news is that you don’t have to add anything to make this perfect; you just have to take a few things out.  If you edited this down a bit and removed some of the language that is unnecessary, you could have a publishable poem.  Here are my suggestions:

1. Remove “like an” from line 3.
2. Remove “reflect the violent / vibrant” from lines 8 and 9, or change to “reflect the violence in the sky.”
3. Remove “of nature’s music.”  The reader will know what you’re talking about and “nature’s music” is cliché.
4. Remove “unearthly, and rarely found / amongst humans” and also “from shattering apart.” This is a bit too cliché for such a unique poem and the line is more enigmatic and profound this way.
Remove “and” from the last line.

In order to save you from spending too many points, I will put the poem with my edits in a comment.

Silence dead as reason.
Quiet as the night.
Dreams of leviathan
Star the dark,
Divine delight.

the phrasing is very nice here..  and the metaphor is effective and didn’t really need explanation, the imagery is very evocative.  To say tangible things poetically is a skill that most people can cultivate if they wanted to, but to express intangible things poetically and well is a talent.  This is very good, keep up the great work.