I’ve never seen sonnets divided into stanzas before…I thought they were supposed to be written all together.
Year-sands refers to sands of time, what time will show.
Poetry / Pass By
We walk through beauty’s dark and silent thought,
With angels sweetly smiling in disgrace
At memories of a beloved’s face
And all the dreams and hopes that life forgot.
Our words are lost in syncopated rhyme,
Heat drawn away by unrepenting air;
We fall away from love and learn to care,
To hold the empty borders of our time.
The glass will turn, as day by day years die.
What will the covering of the year-sands show?
Bright angels cannot see, but devils know
(They dwell amid decaying hours). Pass by!
Forget how this lost soul, crestfallen, sings,
For here I shall remain, and earn my wings.
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Onager reviewed Version 3 -
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I often rate poetry based solely on the meaning of a poem…or its flow…or the feelings it inspires in me. With me, imagery alone can mean the difference between a poem that scores 7 or 9.
This poem has scores of 9 or better in all four elements. There is thoughtful consideration in each of the sentences, pairs/quads; meaning before rhyme, yet rhyme that is thoughtfully done. The flow is evident because I didn’t notice it’s absence; nothing disturbed me as I read the poem from start to finish (this is also a good indication of the quality of grammar present).
The feelings it caused in me were two-fold: first, I was tempted to feel the surface ones, that this could just be about love and life and if so, this was such a truthful analysis of how we can lose someone, or conversely, have someone right beside us and instead of loving them in REAL time, only care for them loosely and waste so many opportunities.
But the true feelings this poem pulled forth from me were the ones about the poet who can get sucked into the trap of ‘BEING A POET’ instead of – just being a poet and doing what (s)he is and what feels right first, then going back and touching it up just a tiny bit. By becoming consumed with BEING A POET, we sometimes remove the very essence and heart of what poetry is.
That is what this very beautiful poem made me feel as I read it, anyway. k
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dust reviewed Version 3 -
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i enjoyed this piece. for some reason it reminded me of lyrics from a smashing pumpkins song. i really liked this line “Bright angels cannot see, but devils know ” and the way you finish the poem “Forget how this lost soul, crestfallen, sings,
For here I shall remain, and earn my wings.” is cool. cheerz :0)
dancestandingstill reviewed Version 3 -
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really resound with the middle lines of:
“We fall away from love and learn to care,
To hold the empty borders of our time.
The glass will turn, as day by day years die. “
these are the most interesting and empty borders of out time! that has many sublime visuals that would seem to implicate some differing visual relationship with a hourglass, perhaps explore this? what are the borders of the hourglass? how does emptiness relate with such finiteness of the contained glass of a specific amount of sand.
nice stuff here
imogene reviewed Version 3 -
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I knew from the title of this poem that it would be good. I cannot say much about what form you used because I don’t know about it. But I loved the feeling of melancholy. It maybe makes me think of my own situation, but I thought it was lovely.
Woody reviewed Version 3 -
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I do not really understand why angels would be smiling when they are disgraced. I would assume they would hang their head in disgrace or shame. Heat would be drawn away by repenting air, not unrepenting air. I would consider revising “year-sands”, not even sure what it means, but I would assume it is the sands of time. I summise that the poem was written with Purgatory in mind. The poem flows well, but the meaning to me is not exactly clear. Sorry, I tried to read it several times in-case I missed something, but I just could not embrace it completely.
jebozid reviewed Version 3 -
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If it’s a sonnet best divide it in stanzas.
I know sonnets are hard to write, but if you read a lot of them you see that they don’t have perfect rhymes, which you do. It’s important that the sonnet doesn’t suffer because of rhyming.
“What will the covering of the year-sands show?” if you read it as ‘cov’ring’ you write it that way. I don’t know what ‘year-sands show’ is.
“(They dwell amid decaying hours). Pass by!” the fullstop in this line KILLS the rhythm, this is in my opinionthe only bad line.
The last 2 lines are excellent, very refreshing, like it’s supposed to be in the sonnets, so kudos there!
Overall nice work, but I have a slight feeling that the story suffered because of the form, but not much.
shadow_words reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this very much. Not overly wordy or too thought out. There are one or two lines that are a little hard on the reader… that dont seem to fit.
But the overall “sound” of the poem is lovely. Gentle and it flows well.
Good poem.
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 2 -
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Reviews often start with I like this or at the very end the compliment appears. And I will do no different. On the whole I like this and I think it’s a strong piece. The guestions I ask are for your condideration: would angels smile sweetly in disgrace? Perhaps, but ?? not sure I like that yet. And year-sands? Not sure I understand that expression. Beyond those little bumps, I found this piece rich.
sophielouise reviewed Version 2 -
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A heartwarming poem, I especially like the way you wrote “sweetly smiling in disgrace”- it’s such a mixture of senses and it’s certainly thought provoking and interesting. The poem as a whole is indeed emotive which, personally, is key in any writings. Well done.
Ravenn reviewed Version 2 -
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Your writing is beautifully haunting and breathtaking. I have re-read this quite a few times and the imagery and emotions it evokes are very powerful yet sad. I cannot offer anything other than praise. It seems quite perfect to me – it should be in a book of poems.
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