Haiku/Senryu / Hunger
His hungry eyes graze,
and feast upon her body,
a banquet arranged.
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I really like this one. Change the comma to a period on the second line. That will give you a seperation between your fragment and phrase. Very evocative. This conjures many emotions within me, some primal, some guilty. Nicely done.
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Love this. only critique is punctuation.
graze – no comma
body;
My stomach growls yum
She is dressed like a poem
Come and explore me
This is quite fine as it is, but can be finer.
The title pulls us in, and I suspect most readers will NOT first think of the hunger to which you refer: good deal!
Your main image of body as food is gently erotic and also disturbing.
Main crit: I think you’ve got some extra syllables that can go so you can pack more meaning; I’d delete “and” and “a” for sure, and even think about “His”.
If you go for my last suggestion and aren’t totally wedded to the idea of a he/she voyeur/object dichotomy, you could also delete “her”, and substitute “the” plus a one syl.adjective before “body.”
Of course, you’ve got the last call. Just polish it a bit more and you’ve got a keeper.
TA
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