Stage Play / Sir Edwin and the Quest for Avalon Act II

Act II
Scene One
The next day, outside. Robin and Edwin are about to leave. They have a bag each and are in traveling clothes. Friar Tuck and Merlin are waiting with them.

Edwin: We are going on a quest! We are about the leave all the lands we have ever known to seek glory!

Robin: Because that worked out so well the first time that I did that.
        
Tuck: Brother, you are such unlike yourself today. What is wrong?

Robin: It is nothin’ Tuck. Might be a little sick to my stomach, you know- from excitement.

Merlin: And what else are you going to tell us next, that one day men will fly with steel wings?

Edwin: Why would he say that?

Robin: Have you never heard of sarcasm?

Merlin: Look deeper than the surface, young knight. To understand you must first see.

Edwin: (backs away slightly from Merlin) So Robin, I think the sun is high enough in the sky. Shall we start our journey?

Robin: You’re in charge of this adventure, whatever you say goes, oh mighty Sir Edwin.

Tuck: I wish you well, and may God bless you on your holiest of quests.

Merlin: (Arguing with Tuck) Here I am remembering you saying that such quest is poppycock and heresy.
        
Tuck: Is it not holy to seek peace?

Merlin: Though is it holy to seek a peace that some may attribute to neomancy?

Tuck: It is only through Arthur’s return that peace will return and Britain will be a wholly Christian nation once again?

Merlin: Once again? It was never a Christian nation! The lady of the lake! That white stag that had something to do with something! Witchcraft! With the lone exception with that Holy Grail mania, when has Camelot even cared about your little Jewish sect?

Edwin: (Changes subject quickly) Well, good day gentlemen!

Merlin: Wait just a minute; I have a feeling that you may have more companions coming than you thought.

Guinevere: (off stage, screaming) What do you mean that you are going with them? What about me? Did you even think for a moment what I am going to do?

Lancelot: (off stage, also screaming) What about you? Mayhap this country needs Arthur back more than you want him gone.

Guinevere: Then what about us? You expect me to wait here, alone to wait for you to come back with that awful man?  

Lancelot: Unlike someone, I feel more loyalty to mine lord than to my desire. (Enters right running. Stops dignifiedly. Guinevere is close behind.) Sir Edwin, I have spent this past night thinking. May I accompany you on your quest?

Guinevere: Lancelot du Loc, you are not being serious!

Lancelot: Yes I am being serious, what of it Sir Edwin?

Edwin: I would be delighted to have you, don’t you agree Robin?

Robin: hmph

Edwin: I take it that means yes?

Robin: bah humbug

Edwin: Robin is not feeling well today. Now may we leave, Master Merlin?

Merlin: One more. (Bridgette, dressed up like a man with a helmet on, enters left) and he is right on cue.

Bridgette: (in a gruff voice) Greetings Sir Edwin, Sir Lancelot, Brother Robert. May I also have the opportunity to go with you?

Lancelot: Who… are you?

Bridgette: I am Bridge- uh- Sir Bridge of- uh- Bordeaux, not been to court much you see.

Edwin: You are more then welcome to come with us Sir Bridge.  Now we will go, to the unexplored abyss and seek the shining light of peace! (Exits left)

Lancelot: (unsure) Is he okay-?

Robin: (no one pays attention to) Has he ever been okay?

Guinevere: (stomps foot) Lancie-lot, I am giving you one more chance to stay here.

Lancelot: Let’s go. (Quickly exits right)

Tuck: May the lord bless you all.

Merlin: And may the wind be at your back. (Edwin exits right. Merlin and Tuck exit, arguing, left.)

Robin: (laughing) ‘Sir Bridge’, exactly who are you trying to fool?

Bridgette: Edwin (head high, exits right)

Robin: Bridgette, Bridgette, Bridgette. (Shakes head) Women, can’t live with ‘em-, well- (thinks) need ‘em to cook for ye. (Exits right)

Scene Two. Outside. Bridgette and Lancelot are leading horses.

Bridgette: So, Sir Lancelot, I must know. What caused something so horrible as the battle at Camelot that where the king was killed?

Lancelot: First, Sir Bridge, I would like to ask you a few questions.

Bridgette: (squeaks) Me? Questions?

Lancelot: One, for instance, Paris is in France.

Bridgette: Yes, there is a Paris  in France, but I am from the Paris  in England; very small fief you see, not many have heard of it, quite close to the Welsh border actually.

Lancelot: Paris is next to Wales?

Bridgette: Yes, quite close. We trade mainly in imports; cloth and such.

Lancelot: Ah, I have not heard of your fief, but that is very understandable, there are many small places that I have not heard of. But why, may I ask have I not heard of you?

Bridgette: Well, I have been away from court for a long time. To tell you the truth; this was only my second stay at Camelot. You see, being quite close to Wales, we have to deal with the Welsh, which means that I am almost constantly called on to defend my people.

Lancelot: What kind of name is Bridge?

Bridgette: It is- Welsh; means ‘one who was born on structure that crosses water’

Lancelot: You were born on a bridge?

Bridgette: No, mummy just liked the name.

Lancelot: (suspicious) I see then; just one more question though-

Bridgette: Yes?

Lancelot: Why have you been lying to us?

Bridgette: (Nervously) Lying, why would you think that I am lying? (giggles)

Lancelot: I think you are lying because Robin told me you were lying. When I asked him what about he just laughed and laughed and told me to ask you.

Bridgette: Robin told you this? I can’t see how you could think that I was even telling the faintest part-truth. I can guarantee you; I’m honest to the core. (Still laughing, with a overly big smile, trying to act casual)

Lancelot: Sir Bridge, I can promise you that if you have pure and honest intentions for going on this quest I will see to it that you will continue with this, as long as you tell Sir Edwin, and it’s not something too serious, like you’re a commoner or something.

Bridgette: No, no, please don’t make me tell Edwin!

Lancelot: (Raises one eyebrow) Robin was right.

Bridgette: I’ll tell you, just promise that you won’t make me tell Edwin until he thinks something is awry.

Lancelot: Good sir, I have known Edwin for but a day and already I know that if you were nine feet tall, green, and spoke only in mermish he would most likely never notice that anything was awry in the least.

Bridgette: Please, Lancelot, you are a wise man, so please listen to what I have to say. My offer is that I’ll tell you, I’ll go back if you want me to, but you don’t make me tell Edwin.

Lancelot: We have an accord. You will tell me and Edwin will not need to know.

Bridgette: We have an accord.

Lancelot: Now, what is this that you so desperately do not want Sir Edwin to hear?

Bridgette: My name is not really Sir Bridge, I’m not really knighted, and I’m not really from Paris-next-to-Wales, which I completely made up.

Lancelot: I figured that much.

Bridgette: The reason I’ve been lying is because (switches to normal voice) is because my name is really Bridgette de Merieanne, and I am from Glastonbury. Sir Edwin is my brother. (Getting quicker) I didn’t want to be left alone because I wanted adventure, and if I stayed at court then everyone would expect me to act like a normal lady and I couldn’t practice with my sword and I couldn’t ride by myself and knights might try to get me to fall in love with them and I was afraid I would and then I thought that maybe I already have and I don’t want to get married and trapped for the rest of my life and and and…

Lancelot: Slow down, just breathe.

Bridgette: (takes big breath, lets it out) Thank you. Can you find it in your heart to let me stay with you on this quest?

Lancelot: I think that I like your spirit Lady, even if you are but a woman and will impede our progress. You may stay.

Bridgette: (Jumps up and down, hugs Lancelot) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Lancelot: (Perplexed) You are welcome, I think.

Bridgette: (Happily) I am off to kill Robin, any suggestions?

Lancelot: (seriously) If you want to make it quick, take an ax to his head, but if you don’t want to be discovered and make it look natural some hemlock will do very well in his tea.

Bridgette: I was kidding.

Lancelot: (taken aback) And so was I (fake laughs).

Bridgette: Thank you again Sir Lancelot, I owe you one. (Exits right, leaving horse with Lancelot, then enters right) Wait a minute, I never asked you anything.

Lancelot: If you must, then ask away, milady.

Bridgette: First what happened?

Lancelot: What do you mean?

Bridgette: How did he die?

Lancelot: (sighs) I assume you mean Arthur? (Bridgette nods) How to begin, how to begin?

Bridgette: Is it not best to begin at the beginning?

Lancelot: The beginning, yes, that would be the best place to start my tale. (Solemnly) After Tristan, Bors, Galahad, and Percival’s grail quest was over Arthur knew that the golden age of Camelot was about to come to an end. Knights had been killed and there were none to replace them; prophesies were coming true left and right.

Bridgette: Didn’t you go on the grail quest also?

Lancelot: Yes I did; the keepers of the grail would permit only those with a pure heart and souls see the grail and drink from it. I was judged to be unworthy.

Bridgette: You were Arthur’s best knight you have healed two mortally wounded men with your bare hands! How could you be found wanting?

Lancelot: Simple, I as a man have achieved much in my time, but my soul is not clear. I had loved my lord’s wife, but I was not true to her, nor would I ever be, I had sinned. And I was never Arthur’s best knight, valiant Percival was beyond compare, and Galahad was the most holy of us all, may his soul rest in peace. Now interestingly Guinevere brings us to our next point in our story. (Robin sneaks in unnoticed right) After our return from the quest I stayed away from Camelot because I was too ashamed to gaze upon my lady love-

Bridgette: Didn’t you just say-

Lancelot: Hush; but when I came back Guinevere found me alone one midsummer’s night in the courtyard. I told her what happened and somehow she got me so twisted that at the beginning I was just mad at myself, at the end of our conversation, all I could think of was her. Let’s just say that we thought we were alone, and we let our guard down. Then that snake of a human being, Mordred, found us. We didn’t know it at the time, so we gave him plenty of evidence of infidelity. He told Arthur and the next night Mordred and a band of fourteen armed nights were sent to catch me alone with Gwen in her rooms. I was there, and unarmed. By the grace of God I was able to escape and somehow bring all that came to capture me but Sir Mordred and Sir Gawain down. I escaped (sits) but Gwen was convicted of high treason. (Bridgette sits) She was to be burned at the stake at dawn. I couldn’t let that happen could I? After all, I was as much to blame as she was. (Bridgette nods head) I rescued her. Already half of Arthur’s knights were on my side. Guinevere, Mordred and I had started a civil war. I ran to France and Arthur followed me. By that time Mordred had declared that Arthur had died in France at my hand, and he declared himself king.

Bridgette: But he couldn’t-

Lancelot: Didn’t I tell you to hush? When Arthur returned to Britain Mordred had gathered a force against him. Arthur was weak and Mordred was newly strong, they fought and in the last battle Arthur was slain by Mordred. And that is the tale of how Arthur died and Mordred became king.

Robin: That’s a very nice story, any of it true? (Lancelot throws something at him) Okay, okay, I get the hint! (Exits right)

Bridgette: He is a very evil man isn’t he? Maybe killing him was a good idea.

Lancelot: Maybe so; is that everything that you wanted to know, milady?

Bridgette: What about Avalon?

Lancelot: I have no proof for it nor do I have proof against it. So I put my faith in Merlin; he has been right enough times about such that I can’t help but go on his word. Besides, I caused Arty’s downfall. My guilt will not let me keep on living if there is something I could do to bring him back and I didn’t do it.

Bridgette: You called him Arty.

Lancelot: King Arthur of Camelot was my lord and king; Arty was my single truest friend.

Bridgette: I have just one more question? (Robin sneaks in unnoticed right again)

Lancelot: I promised, go ahead.

Bridgette: What did you ever see in Guinevere to begin with?

Lancelot: When she was young her hair was as red as wine and skin paler then fresh winter snow. She was as patient as an oak. She was on my mind, the perfect woman.

Bridgette: I figured it as such.

Lancelot: She was young then, but you must remember so was I, and since then I have learned that wine red hair and snow white skin are not signs of character. Now I know it is by character that you must pick the one that you vow to love until your dying day, and that Guinevere does not have the character that I should have picked.  Gawain, on the other hand, married the ugliest woman I have ever seen, but he is the happiest man alive when it comes to matters of the heart.

Bridgette: You are a truly wise man, Sir Lancelot, but for your past actions.

Lancelot: Age does that to a man, you just wait until Edwin and Robin are my age. Then they might start to make sense.

Robin: I should think not. Me make sense? why, such an atrocity shall never occur if I have anything to do with it.

Lancelot: Have you always been a very slow learner?

Robin: What do you mean? (Lancelot catches Bridgette’s eye. They nod and smile at each other, then subtly pick up something and throw it at him. Robin holds up arms and tries to dodge) Ah! Ow! Violence against a monk is a sin! (Runs off stage right)

Lancelot: (to Robin) You are as much a monk as I am! (Both laugh) I think it is time that I go off to tent to my horses, milady.

Bridgette: Very well, Lancelot, and thank you for being brave enough to tell me your story. (Lancelot exits, Bridgette rests against tree and pretends to be asleep when Robin and Edwin enter)

Edwin: Where did Lancelot go?

Robin: To the river to let his horse drink.

Edwin: oh. (Long pause) And why are we here?

Robin: We are resting.

Edwin: (another pause) Do you know what?

Robin: (uninterested) What Edwin?

Edwin: I think we should think up a name for ourselves.

Robin: That’s already done. Your name is Edwin. Mine is Robert.

Edwin: No, not like that, a name for all of us.

Robin: Done also, the word is insane.

Edwin: A name for our group; something like the Fellowship of the Return of the King.

Robin: (Sarcastic, still uninterested) I told you; Inter-kingdom Gnomes Searching for Avalon which is Non- Existent.  I-N-S-A-N-E, insane.

Edwin: That makes no sense.

Robin: Why? I think it’s clever.

Edwin: We aren’t gnomes and it starts with a G anyway.

Robin: So I can’t spell.

Edwin: What about the Society of Avalon-Seekers?  

Robin: Nope, sounds like a cult.

Edwin: Questers of Avalon?

Robin: Sounds he could be related to Bridge of Paris.

Edwin: I got one: Cerebral Ingrates’ Assumption, the C.I.A.?

Robin: The single most stupid thing I have ever heard.

Bridgette: (in Sir Bridge voice, without opening eyes) I thought his first one was decent enough. Why not the Fellowship of the King? Nice and ambiguous in case Mordred finds out what we’re up to.

Edwin: I like it.

Robin: Have fun with that (closes eyes, tries to sleep)

Edwin: The Fellowship of the King. Wow. Should we have a ritual or a symbol or something? (no one responds) I agree, not right now. So any objections (no sound) And so is born the Fellowship of the King.

Robin: (is disturbed) Can I sleep now?

Edwin: Yes, sure, don’t mind me, go to sleep.

Robin: Thanks a lot.

Edwin: You’re welcome. Now what was I saying before that?

Robin: That you were planning to shut up. (Lancelot enters left with horse)

Edwin: Lancelot, guess what?

Robin: Ugh (tried to sleep again)

Lancelot: What?

Edwin: I came up with a name for us!

Lancelot: You mean like insane?

Edwin: No, no, we’re the Fellowship of the King, catchy, isn’t it?

Lancelot: (not caring, fake sincerity) Oh yes, very catchy name. Also ominous sounding, don’t you think?

Edwin: Yes, yes. What’s om-i-nous?

Lancelot: It’s uh- uh- (Tristan enters right) Sir Tristan!

Edwin: ohm-knee-ness is Sir Tristan?

Lancelot: No, look over there. Sir Tristan! Sir Tristan! (Tristan notices them and shuffles very mournfully over to them) I thought you were supposed to be in Cornwall.

Tristan: (very depressed) I was.

Lancelot: But Cornwall is the other way (points).

Tristan: I know.

Edwin: So why aren’t you there now?

Tristan: Mark told me to leave and never come back.

Bridgette: (waking up) Gees, can a man get some sleep around here? (angrily exits right)

Robin: (yawns, stretches arms) So the king found out ‘bout ye and ‘is wife, eh?

Tristan: How did you know about that?

Robin: Lucky guess mate, ye hid it so well it was hard to tell if ye even knew ‘er name.

Tristan: Her name is Iseult. Of course I knew her name, it is the lone speck of light in this dark world. She is a ray of sunshine on a cold winter’s say. She is-
Queen of the heavens
Queen of my heart
I am your servant
‘Til time runs old
My fair Iseult

My fair Iseult

Lancelot: We get the point lad. So now what are you going to do?

Tristan: I am going to be a wandering bard going from the top of Scotland to the tip of Spain to tell stories of my fair Iseult and the Knights of the Round Table.

Lancelot: You are still a good knight, why not come with us on our quest? We are crossing the Channel at least, so that should help with your travels. Maybe by then Mark will cool down and you can see her.

Tristan: Maybe; You know, it is all so unfair. She was put up as a prize for a tournament. She is a woman, not a sack of gold, and… and… then I had to go and win the tournament. But oh, not for me, no, I won in Mark’s name- course I didn’t know that it was her then and and (blows nose on Lancelot’s shirt, starts crying dramaticly) Lord, I miss her so much already.

Lancelot: There, there; it will be alright. Everything will turn out fine.

Tristan: How can it? She’s married to him! Nothing can solve that.

Robin: Don’t get too worked up, women, all of ‘em, (Locks eyes with Bridgette) do incredibly horrible things to men concerning love. You can’t trust the creatures. (Lancelot sees them looking at each other, begins to wonder)

Tristan: But not Iseult, it is not her fault she would never do anything bad to me, never. It’s all Mark’s fault; he was like a… a… father to me, and then he married the woman I love. Then of course he never knew I loved, I didn’t even know that she was who she was until after they were married. Oh, help me, I have sworn fealty to mine sworn enemy. (Cries more)

Edwin: Yeah, Lancelot is right. Come with us, maybe by the time you come back Mark will be dead, or you could kill him in a duel or something.

Tristan: I don’t want Mark to die! (Collapses into Lancelot)

Robin: Edwin, just a hint, don’t say anything.

Edwin: How about I go make some tea?

Robin: Do you know how to make tea?

Edwin: No

Robin: Then by all means go ahead.

Tristan: (to Lancelot) I can’t handle life without her! (pulls out sword, raises toward own chest)

Lancelot: Oh yes you can! (Grabs sword, Robin grabs Tristan, who falls in to his arms, Robin drops him to floor)

Tristan: (Sitting on ground) This is cruel to deny a grieving man the freedom to end his life. To what extent would it hurt you to let me end my suffering? Nothing will bring me out of the dark void that imprisons my soul. With each day that passes the prospect for ever seeing the light of her eyes grows dimmer and dimmer and I sink deeper into the bleak oblivion.  So why not allow me to go forth valiantly to explore the ever undiscovered country? I have not sinned in this life, so God will grant me happiness in the next. Certainly the cold grasp of death would allow more hope for me than I have whilst my heart is still beating, beating, forever beating, longer to hear the sound of my name in her whisper.  

Lancelot: Calm down, buddy, everything will clear up soon. Right now you feel like you don’t have any options, right? (Tristan nods) Well as soon as you can think clearly then you and me, Bridge and Edw- well, you, me, and Bridge will put our heads together and we will find some way for you to see Iseult again. (Tristan nods) But you need to not scare us like that again. No more suicide attempts, okay? (Tristan nods. Lancelot helps him up and starts to walk out. Tristan exits left.) Robin, could you make sure to go though his things and take away anything that could possibly kill him?

Robin: Whilst do. (Lancelot worriedly follows Tristan, Robin picks up Tristan’s bag. Pulls out various and ever increasing in lethalness knives, poison etc show no reaction. He throws them aside. Bridgette enters left)

Bridgette: (Sir Bridge voice) What was all the noise about? (sees Robin, normal voice) Oh, it’s just you (eyes pile that Robin is still pulling out of Tristan’s bag. There is a pause when he pulls out the last thing, a teddy bear and places it aside as if it was the worst thing pulled from the bag.)

Robin: Yep, milady, it’s just me, just poor old illegitimate commoner Robin here.

Bridgette: Listen, about last night-

Robin: Yes…?

Bridgette: We said a lot of things to each other that shouldn’t have been said and I-

Robin: Is this an apology from a noblewoman to a little peasant like me?

Bridgette: (sighs) and I was up to far on my pedestal.

Robin: Ah, so it is that you are lowering yourself to my level. What has causes you to require my assistance so badly that you had to commit the flagrancy of not holding the pride of the goddess of all of Glastonbury?

Bridgette: Robin, I just wanted to apologize. I have no ulterior motive; all I want is the likewise, and for you to forgive me.

Robin: What did you say?

Bridgette: I want nothing but to apologize and be forgiven, and I only ask that you seek the same.

Robin: No, what was the first thing you said just then?

Bridgette: Robin?

Robin: I thought so, milady.

Bridgette: Does that mean that you forgive me?

Robin: Not necessarily, oh exulted one.

Bridgette: Then what is it that you want me to do?

Robin: Milady, all I wish is that you never speak to me like that again and for you to realize that we are all human beings, we all come into this world with nothing and we don’t take anything with us. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, milady. No man is created better than ‘is neighbor.

Bridgette: You are a son of nobility, and you are a good man, you have a noble mind and blood; but that- that goes against everything. It goes against the church and the monarchy and everything. It may not be wrong, but if it is true, then the rest of the world sure is.

Robin: What does any of this matter to you, your worship?

Bridgette: I love you, Robin, god damn you to bloody hell for it, I love you.

Robin: I know, milady.

Bridgette: ‘You know’? Is that all you have to say to me?

Robin: At this moment-, yes, milady, it is.

Bridgette: I hate you! (Storms off stage right)

Robin: I know. (Lights fade out)

Scene Three
On a road near Dover. Tristan, Lancelot, Bridgette, and Edwin are on stage.

Lancelot: So Edwin, do you tire of your quest yet?  

Edwin: No, I’m just getting started. However, I do tire of being tired. (yawns)

Lancelot: We have traveled a long distance since we have left Camelot though, haven’t we? I’m starting to like this traveling life. Tristan, maybe I’ll go with you and be a wandering bard. It seems kind of romantic, don’t you think? Always being wayworn and having no way to feed yourself except though the tales that you tell.

Tristan: (Has not been paying attention) What, did someone say my name?

Lancelot: Never you mind.

Bridgette: Now that you mention it we have traveled a long way. As soon as we get on that ship, if Robin can ever barter passage, then we won’t even be in Britain any more.

Edwin: You know, I’ve never been off this isle before.

Tristan: I’ve been to Ireland. It was after the Irish had attacked and everyone thought I was dead. So they put me in my little funeral boat and I drifted into Ireland and then, then, she –

Lancelot: No, no, no! You are not going to get started on that again. Do not even say her name-

Tristan: You mean my fair Ise-

Lancelot: Do not even think that name.

Bridgette: You know what? This trip is my first out of Glaston- Paris. So where are we landing?

Lancelot: We’ll go from Dover, which is this port to, I think its Calais, which is the channel crossing on the-

Bridgette: (Makes slashing motion across neck) Ixnay on the renchfay (Points to Edwin) I’ll explain later. (Robin enters left, Bridgette makes point of not being close to him or making eye contact)

Edwin: Bridge? You can speak Latin?

Robin: We got on a ship!

Tristan: Good, right now I just want to get as much distance as I can between myself and Mark and Is-(Lancelot claps his had over Tristan’s mouth. Tristan sighs.)

Edwin: Which ship? Did you get on the really big one that said they could get us across the big water in less than a day?

Robin: Actually no, but not for lack of trying.

Bridgette: Ha, I bet you could have tried harder if someone wouldn’t have robbed Edwin and given all his and Bridgette’s stuff to the poor.

Edwin: What about the one with the funny name, what was it, the Dolphin?

Tristan: How is the Dolphin a funny name?

Lancelot: Well spit it out, which was it?

Robin: It was the little yellow one in the corner, called the Aquamarine, the only one we could afford. Crew looked a little funny, but I guess it was safe- enough. Figured we are supposed to be going on a quest and this might liven up our sense of adventure.

Bridgette: The Aquamarine? Are you serious?

Robin: Unfortunately; the captain said that he would be sending a few people up to get our stuff. We’ll be leaving a little sooner than you wanted to.

Edwin: Meaning?

Robin: What time is it?

Tristan: (Looks up at sky) I’d have to guess about 3:29 p.m. this side of Greenwich.

Robin:  About twenty nine minutes ago. (Enter Sailor 1)

Sailor 1: (Salutes, stands straight at attention) Greetings milords, I am Sailor 1. (Sailor A enters, stands at attention next to Sailor 1)

Sailor A: (Salutes) I am Sailor A. We are here to

Sailor 1: pick up your effects. Captain

Sailor A: Wants to leave as soon

Sailor 1: As possible. Now if you would be

Sailor A: So kind as to give us

Sailor 1: your effects so that we

Sailor A: can take them to the ship?

Bridgette: Yeah sure. (Everyone hands over stuff, gives a couple coins) Take this sailor… ummm…

Sailor 1: One, he’s A, and

Sailor A: Thank you milord. I think that it is

Sailor 1: Time for our marketing bit? I quite agree.

Sailor A: Ready? (Two extra people enter two extra people with instruments)

Sailor 1: Ready.

Sailor A: One… Two… Three…

All sailors: (look at each all then starts to sing VERY loudly)
In the town, where I was born
Lived a man, who sailed to sea,
And he told us of his life, in the land of the Marine,
So we went to the ship, till we found,
What we were looking for,
And we lived above the waves on your Aquamarine
We all live in the Aquamarine, the Aquamarine, the Aquamarine
We all live in the Aquamarine, Aquamarine, the Aquamarine, (Bow together, exits left)

Tristan: You were right about the crew.

Robin: Yep.

Edwin: (Looks to sky, hands in air) Lord, please let me survive this crossing! (exits left)

Lancelot: Who knows, the ship might be okay, even if the sailors are little… off their rocker. I call top bunk! (Runs off left)

Tristan: Not if I get there first! (Follows, Lights fade)

Scene Four
In Calais, France, outside, on a road. Lancelot, Tristan, Bridgette, Edwin, and Robin enter left wearily carrying bags and guiding horses.

Tristan: I don’t care if I have to sell the shirt off my back to pay for it; I am not going on the ship again.

Bridgette: Ugh, I can’t get that stupid song out of my head (hums)

Robin: Why does a ship need a marketing song anyway?

Lancelot: Because that is all the ruddy thing has going for it. (All except for Robin and Bridgette exit right)

Robin: How come me they always run off and leave me alone with you?

Bridgette: Lord only knows (starts towards exit)

Robin: Wait-, (Robin rushes behind her and grabs her arm and turns her toward him.) Do you still feel the same way about your dear old Robin Hood?

Bridgette:  Now you don’t hate me for what I said back at Camelot?

Robin: conversation did turn a little quickly, didn’t? I just couldn’t accept that what you were saying was true, even if I didn’t like the facts of life. The way society has taught us to live is just a little different than how I choose to be. What I thought was that you, being so different in other ways would be quicker to accept things the way I saw them. I hate society and the feudal system, never you. I got so attached to you so quickly. I fell in love. I never thought that a cold man like me could ever feel like this towards anyone else, but it ahs happened. I love you, come what may, I will still love you.

Bridgette: (smiles) I know (exits right)

Robin: Why you slimy rogue! (enter Sailor 1, A, and their extras)

Band: Yesterday all your troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks like she’s here to stay
Oh, we believe, in yesterday.
Suddenly you’re not half the man you used to be-

Robin: What are you doing here?!

Band: She loves you ya ya ya
She loves you ya ya ya
And with a love like that you know you should be glad

Robin: But Bridgette says that she wants to love me but she feels like she can’t because I am not a stupid noble. It would take so much money to buy a title, I know I will never be able to afford it, and she can’t marry me because of her family. Even when I poured my heart out to her she didn’t say anything about the future, or even us. I need a title and money before she would even consider marrying me.

Band: All you need is love
All you need is love
All you need is love, love,
Love is all you need.

Robin: Why am I even talking to you anyway? This is none of your business. Get out! (They don’t, he holds up his like he is going to punch them.)

Band: Help! We need somebody
Help! Not just anybody,
Oh we need some one to help! (exit, Bridgette, Lancelot, Tristan, Edwin enter)

Lancelot: Oh, I thought we left you here.

Edwin: So where do we go now? Normandy?

Tristan: Yes, onward to Normandy!

Lancelot: It’s best if we follow the Pilgrim’s Highway to Rouen and take the exit before it turns toward Spain then we will go on the route towards Normandy.

Edwin: Isn’t there a big cathedral in the Rouen in France?

Lancelot: On another subject, I think that since it is very much impossible that any of us turn back now that it is time for our Sir Bridge to confess.

Bridgette: You promised!

Lancelot: You are coming with us, guaranteed.

Tristan: What is this all about Sir Bridge?

Edwin: What indeed?

Robin: Oh come on, you two honestly believed that there was a person named Sir Bridge among us?

Tristan: Wasn’t paying too much attention really; I have been grieving over the loss of my fair-

Edwin: I honestly have noticed nothing out of the ordinary.

Bridgette: Fine, fine, let’s just get this over with (takes off helmet, revealing hair, switches to normal voice) Edwin, I’m sorry, I wanted to come, and if I would have asked you, you would have said absolutely no. Sir Tristan, my name is Bridgette, I am Edwin’s sister.

Tristan: (bows, kisses hand) How could you stand to let such beauty be hidden away from the world for so long, milady?

Robin: Watch out, she’s taken!

Bridgette: Says who?

Robin: But you… you…

Bridgette: (eyes Tristan) I have not been promised, my noble Sir Tristan, if you think that’s what he’s implying.

Tristan: I could not, fair Bridgette, for my heart longs for another.

Edwin: Bridgette! What are you doing here?

Lancelot: Have you not been listening?

Bridgette: (to Edwin) Why not?

Edwin: You’re weak! You’re female!

Bridgette: Who saved us from the visible thieves at the inn? Not brave Sir Edwin.

Edwin: Oh, oh. (Angry) You are staying at the convent when we get to Rouen! And you will stay there. I am your lord and you protector and you will do what I say!

Robin: Sir Edwin, may I have your sister’s hand in marriage?

Edwin: Yes, but that doesn’t change anything, Bridgette, you are staying at the convent and I – what did you say?

Robin: I asked you if I could marry Bridgette, and you said yes, so that makes her my responsibility, which means she is not staying at a convent!

Edwin: Oh yes she is!

Robin: But I am her lord.

Edwin: You are not married yet.

Bridgette: Do I even get a say in this?

Robin and Edwin: NO!

Robin: Why don’t we get married in Rouen and then that would solve the problem?

Edwin: Then she could come with us, which is not happening.

Robin: She is coming with us; I am not leaving my betrothed in some French convent while I go and quest for something that doesn’t even exist.  

Edwin: Fine then, I retract my permission; you can’t marry her.

Robin: But you are a nobleman and you are going against your word by retracting your permission.

Edwin: You’re right; she’ll be your betrothed, but you are not marrying in Rouen.

Robin: She can come along too.

Edwin: No she can’t, she’s too weak.

Robin: She’s kept up with us so far, what is going to change?

Edwin: Fine! She can come.  

Robin: Fine! (To Bridgette) There sweets, you can come with us now.

Bridgette: Who says I want to marry you?  

Robin: You did.

Bridgette: I did not!

Robin: You implied it.

Bridgette: Implying something is much different that actually saying it.

Robin: So you are admitting that you did imply it.

Bridgette: No, I am admitting that you think I implied it.

Lancelot: Can we just stop it with the bickering please? Lady Bridgette, it is wrong for women to argue with their loves in public. I don’t want to hear it from you again.

Bridgette: But I… he-

Lancelot: No more of this. We best get going along.

Bridgette: But- he started it!

Tristan: Tisk, tisk, Lady Bridgette, how dishonorable of you. (He and Lancelot ride off left. Everyone follows, Bridgette staying well away from Robin)

Scene Five
At Rouen, outside, at a tournament. King Louis and Nostradamus are arguing upstage left. They both have heavy French accents)  

Nostradamus: Vive le vent!

Louis: Vive le vent? (Edwin, Bridgette (dressed as Bridgette), and Lancelot enter. They watch)

Nostradamus: Vive le vent d’hiver!

Louis: Qe san vas

Nostradamus: Touilbiant!

Louis: Don le grande sapien verte! (Nostradamus is taken aback)

Nostradamus: Ta mere est fromage mal! (Edwin realizes that they are French, he pushes Nostradamus back)

Louis: Exusez- moi monsieur (pushes Edwin back and faces Nostradamus)

Edwin: I don’t know who you are or what you are saying, but I know that you are French. And I know that that is just wrong. It goes against nature.

Louis: What?

Edwin: Oh now you’re pretending to be English now aren’t ye Frenchy? Well I had French lessons every day for (counts on fingers) 10 years, and all I know is this, and this is what I should say to all you and your fellow freaks: (pause) Tu (points to Louis) et tu (points to Nostradamus) meres sont un soir bon! (Nostradamus and Louis look at each other for a moment.  Then they both punch Edwin in the face. He falls)

Louis: I am king of all France, monsieur, and you shall pay for your words and your ignorance.

Bridgette: (curtsies) Please forgive him, your majesty. Edwin is well, a wee bit touched in the head. He did not mean such a thing. My poor, simple, brother meant you no harm.

Edwin: (still on floor) Oh yes I did!

Nostradamus: I would be wary, mon roi.

Louis: Oh, I can take care of myself. I challenge you to a joust to prove in trial by combat who is right by God, and I say it is moi.

Edwin: You are on!

Louis: Nostradamus, go fetch my steed and armor, lance, you know the jousting stuff.

Nostradamus: I shall fetch your squire instead, for such is neither my job nor expertise.

Louis: Assez bien! (Both exit left)

Lancelot: (Stands over Edwin) Could you have possibly been more of a pompous idiot?

Edwin: Easily

Bridgette: No, trust me that would be hard, even for your high ability.

Lancelot: Do you even know how to joust?

Edwin: No (not concerned)

Lancelot: You don’t know how to joust and you are a knight? How stupid are you?

Bridgette: Pretty stupid.

Edwin: Can you teach me how to joust, Sir Lancelot?

Lancelot: Not in this amount of time!

Edwin: Then what am I supposed to do?

Lancelot: Take the big stick, get on your horse, aim it at the king, and hope you don’t kill yourself that’s what you’ll do!

Edwin: Sounds easy enough.

Lancelot: Ugh! I am going to get my spares.

Edwin: I’ll stay here! (Lancelot exits right, just as Robin and Tristan are entering right)

Robin: What’s all this commotion about?

Bridgette: Edwin, would you care to explain?

Edwin: No, go right ahead.

Bridgette: Edwin just insulted the king of France and his astrologer, and now the idiot accepted a challenge to joust!
        
Tristan: What did they do to you?

Edwin: They were speaking in French.

Tristan: Do you realize that we are in France?

Edwin: Still it’s unnatural.

Robin: And why are you laying on the floor?

Edwin: I’m tired.

Bridgette: They punched him.

Tristan: Let’s get you up and see Lancelot before you get yourself into more trouble. He looked flustered when we left, maybe he’ll be ready to help now. (Pulls Edwin up, Queen, Nostradamus enter left)

Edwin: That’s one of them!

Robin: Let’s go Edwin (Robin, Bridgette, Tristan, and Edwin exit right)

Nostradamus: Ma reine, you must convince Louis not to joust.

Queen: Why, do you see something?

Nostradamus: That man- he has been touched by fate. Even though he would lose an intelligence contest to a rock, I personally think that many things will be set in motion because of him.

Queen: What sort of things, oh great Nostradamus?

Nostradamus: Many things, my queen. The world will not be the same after he has gone though it.

Queen: But he is an untested knight, I was eavesdropping on them. He does not even know how to joust. What is the worst that could happen?

Nostradamus: Edwin’s name and his deeds will be forgotten, but even something as harmless as two men riding at each other at full speed trying unhorse each other with sticks will leave a lasting impression on France.

Queen: Oh, you are just being silly.

Nostradamus: No, I am not. You must heed my warning, and tell the king he needs not to not do this, because I have told him and he will not listen to me!

Queen: No, this will be fine, I know it will.

Nostradamus: I have predicted many things, parachute pants, Hitler, the rise of the robot overlords! In the future the History Channel will have five hour specials on me and my work will be sold in the magazine racks that grocery stores, I will make the front page of the great paper, the National Inquirer, one hundred and six times! When the end of the world comes, I will be the one who will be credited with predicting it! I will be the only one who could have predicted Lupin and Dobby dying! Why can’t you trust my very wise judgment? I have seen. Nothing good will come of this!

Queen: Then what will happen, if you are so sure?

Nostradamus: DOOM

Queen: Uh-huh. Doom? Any more specific?

Nostradamus: MORTAL PERIL

Queen: Sounds innocent enough. Let the tournament commence! (All enter. Lancelot and Edwin (In armor, with lance and horse) are downstage right. King (same as Edwin) and Nostradamus are downstage left. Tristan, Bridgette, and Robin are lined up behind Lancelot and Edwin, next to them on the king’s side is Queen. Extras may be scattered.)

Nostradamus: No, sire you must not!

Louis: For the last time, I am. My honor is at stake.

Nostradamus: Bon.

Lancelot: Do you have the basic idea?

Edwin: Hold stick up, ride horse, point at his shield. Try not to get killed. (Tristan runs up to them)

Tristan: Hey, Edwin, I need some practice if I am going to be a bard. Will you let me introduce you?

Edwin: Introduce me?

Lancelot: Yes (he checks Edwin’s armor one more time and stands behind).

Tristan: Your majesty, are you ready?

Louis: Ready?

Tristan: Yes, are you ready to commence the joust?

Louis: I am always ready. Who do you think I am? A weakling anglais?

Tristan: I, as representing the challenger, will use my right to introduce first.

Louis: Get on with it.

Tristan: (To audience) Milords, miladies, all you peasant type people things, today you have the privilege of seeing Sir Edwin de Merieanne of Glastonbury in his first ever joust. Behold his glory! For you will always remember this as the day that you, and you, and you, saw Sir Edwin triumph over the very king of France! (Bows, stands back with others)

Louis: Oh dang, don’t I have a squire or herald or something?  

Nostradamus: You sent your thirteen year old quire to lead an army in Spain and your herald kidnapped your daughter three months ago and hasn’t been seen since.

Louis: Oh, you’re here, you introduce me.

Nostradamus: Not my job, but okay. (To audience, uninterested) King Louis the 19th or something like that. Don’t stand too close or you will get blood on your clothes. Let the joust begin! (Stands by Queen. Louis and Edwin mount their horses. Everyone watching starts a stomp, stomp, clap rhythm. Louis and Edwin spend a long time getting ready and then start running at each other, lances up in slow motion)

Robin: Oh, will you just get on with it will you? (Everyone stops and looks at him. Then Louis and Edwin run at each other at full speed. Edwin’s lance completely misses Louis’ shield and stabs him. He falls.)

Queen: Louis! (Runs to him, Nostradamus slowly walks over and give him a passing glance.)

Nostradamus: Oui, he’s dead.

Queen: NOOOOOOOOOOO! (Walks over to Edwin) Tu! (points) You killed him! You will pay for your ignorance!

Edwin: No, no, it was a jousting accident, an accident.

Queen: My three year old is king so that means I have control over everything. I will attack your precious England and I will make sure that it all become French I don’t care how many lives are lost, I don’t care if this lasts a hundred years-

Nostradamus: One hundred and sixteen actually.

Queen: I will have my revenge! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Bridgette: Let’s run

Robin: I’m with you.

Tristan: And me (they run out right)

Lancelot: Don’t leave me! (Follows)

Edwin: What are we doing? (Looks at Louis, queen, then door. Exits left, comes back in and exits right. Lights fade. End Act II)

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