Poetry / Death By Hiccups

Well…

I read each of your mini stories twice.  I’m sorry to say it but I didn’t find a single one that reached out and grabbed me.  They all read like a couple of random thoughts.  Here’s an example:

THE COMPUTER

A screen in front of me.
A bucket of bolts down below.
My fingers type
with quick speed.
I find myself thirsty.
Should I go downstairs to get
a Diet Coke?

I mean, it makes sense.  You get a visual, but it doesn’t go anywhere.  Like the HEIRLOOM.  A razor that you clean the gunk out, then put it on your neck and keep using it?  What’s that?

I’m sorry it’s not more positive.  You could write anything about anything I guess.

Good luck.

What a beautiful elegy! It is times llike these when you wonder how close the speaker is to the writer.  To the speaker of the poem one wants to offer consolation, to the writer one wants to offer kudos.  The narrative is concise without being sparse and it is filled with emotion.

This is very moving. The imagery is vivid. The word choice is excellent and your style is easy to read and understand. I couldn’t quite feel that the heirloom part flowed naturally following the rest. It almost stands alone as its own poem. That alone gives me the saddened feeling that a boy has lost his father.

a simple desrcription about the loss of a loved one is depicted well here .
it flowed well and handled the subject with tact and grace.it was an interesting way of separating some of the symbols that the death brought.
perhaps it could have gone a bit deeper .death is such a monumental feeling.

This is the third “story” I’ve read tonight on URBIS on the subject of death. I like the way you said what you wanted to say then didn’t go any farther. You started a new phrase. Each phrase was interesting and conjured up vivid images. I like the way you ended this poem with the heirloom. When my mother died, I inherited several things but the one thing that remains the most important to me is her hairbrush. Keep writing.

A nice way to put someone’s life into different sections of poems. I liked the way this went, although its sad that someone died. The sentiment is melancholy and it’s very factual, so we know what’s going on. I liked this. Nice creativity.

This sir is brilliant, your scenes in here really are unique, and a well your imagery is effective.  Simply put this is a fun read.

You use strong visual images in this poem, and your comparison to audible sounds works well. The line about the hiccups being as loud as an animal bark is vivid.  The image of the ash wisps and how you mix it with soil to make it heavier paints a clear picture. Also, the two lines “I ask how he feels. Not like dying” are succint and incredibly powerful. On line 10, I would write out the word “too” instead of using the numeral 2. On line 18, I would also spell out “second” instead of 2nd. Also would replace “4” with “for” in the stanza titled Ashes. Although the content is heavy, I enjoyed reading your poem.

The poem was very collective and well thoughout. I like the set of how you introduced the theme before you made the quote. Sometimes in poetry it is almost forgotten how the author sets the tone and not the reader. Even though you want to keep your fan base, you did a nice job on setting the tone.

didn’t really understand if these are parts of one big whole, or they are actuall different little poems, sketches or whatever you like, just put together in the same page for some reason. if the first was the case, it would be a step more interesting, still i’d have to figure out the connection between the parts. but in that case, you’d probably know that, so..thats fine eheh. as for the separate composition themselves, i quite like the, they’re kinda abstract, to my senses anyway, not meaningless, but somewhere near there, but still they kinda sound like some western rendition of haikus. or something like that. good effort all together.