Poetry / Leaving Bris-vegas

So you’re flying out of Brisbane peering out the window with the river on the left & some appartments on the right & you have wonderful thoughts about a beautiful babe. How ‘explodingly lucky, indeed! Not sure if the babe is 18 or you both are but you ‘will remember & respect [her] to the day that you die. But you never remembered to mention her name. Was that not for publication?

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May 08, 2008

by StormRyda

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25	M	Australia	September 14

Hey thanks for the nice words… and hey well picked up about the plane  ^{^,  Yeh I was eighteen when I met her, she was 17 and had 3 good years together but then yeh, blew up… that was years ago now everyhting cool now, no regrets, was the right thing but at the time didnt seem like it.  The last few lines and especially the ‘goodbye’ still stand.  Thanks again for the input, and the girls name was Donella.}  ^,

May 08, 2008

by Lin

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68	M	Australia	September 29

I live in Rocky & fly to Brisbane once in a while.

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Aww.. that was really sweet.  A wonderful reflection.  

I could see this published in a book of a single poets poems. The structure is unusual and effective. I liked it… your discriptions of things you will never own or sleep with was wonderful. Keep it up.

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May 05, 2008

by StormRyda

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25	M	Australia	September 14

Thanx alot mate, :)

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dont know if your trying to be rhymey but look over  ”been and eighteen” swim and whirlwind are close.

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May 02, 2008

by StormRyda

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25	M	Australia	September 14

yeh bro was tryin to be rhymy it rhymes fine for me, i have a bit of a pause before i read the
‘at eighteen, like a small sigh or contemplation moment. thanx for the input. :)

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True feelings are difficult to find fault with and to critically pull apart something for critical analysis is to pass judgement on your ideal. if i should make a judgement it is of the second line ending running smak against a wall which makes me wonder at the beginning of the third line Apartment?
difficult to make the connection here.

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May 02, 2008

by StormRyda

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25	M	Australia	September 14

thanx for the input buddy, uh i guess i read this poem to myself at a different rythym to every1 else seems to be reading it, with a couple of little pauses.  I understand what you mean about commenting on someones ideals.  thanx again mate.

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What a terribly sad poem! It is well done though. I love the fact that it doesn’t drone on to much and it doesn’t delve to deeply into self pity which many of this nature can.

On a technical level there is only one line that doesn’t work so well for me.

“As my memories of you constantly everlast” I am not conivinced by the word “everlast”. Maybe something like “will forever last” would have the same meaning but sound a bit more correct.

I enjoyed this – thanks!