I think “suffer from climate change.” is the funniest phrase to come out of this century. Read the last line again for my take on it.
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Journal, Diary, & Blogging / The Time to Act is Now!
The Time to Act is Now!
There is no more important cause than the call to action to save our planet. This is a movement about change, as individuals, as a country, and as a global community. We are all contributors to this phenomenon, and we all need to be part of the solution. Join our supporters, and become part of the movement to demand our leaders freeze and reduce Continental Drift now.
If you’re not already convinced that Continental Drift is an issue that you need to care about, consider this:
200 million years ago, all land area on the planet was concentrated into one massive continent called Pangaea, surrounded by a pristine ocean named Panthalassa. There was no hunger, no want, no human rights violations, no domestic violence, no hate crimes, no pollution, no animal cruelty. No wars were fought by greedy and oppressive governments. Hypocrisy, spin, and junk science didn’t exist.
Over the next 190 million years, this Edenic land slowly broke apart into individual continents, eventually assuming their current positions, with all their concomitant problems and strife. Our selfish short-sightedness has generally assumed that these are stationary positions, but Continental Drift is still ongoing today.
100% of the scientific community agrees, Continental Drift is a fact. Even those whose disciplines and specialties have nothing to do with geophysical forces, and wouldn’t know a karst characterization if it bit them on the ass, eagerly parrot the party line, -if only to preserve their grant funding-. {color:red} I’d remove this part before posting. Editor
If the opinions of people with letters after their names don’t sway you, take a look at the nearest world map and follow along. It will be every bit as convincing as cherry-picked data displayed on graphs engineered to exacerbate y-axis disparity.
As you can see, if Continental Drift were to be allowed to continue, the Westernmost tip of Alaska will crash into the Easternmost edge of Russia. The momentum of the collision will push the prevailing mass of the American continental plate around in a clockwise fashion until Mexico slams into China. You think the US has a problem keeping a lousy 20 million Mexicans out of their country? Wait until they have to try and stop a billion Chinese. Japan will end up being a suburb of Los Angeles, and North Korea will be close enough to North America that even its crappy little missiles will constitute a threat.
Canada will find itself in a temperate zone once again, and will sue for the return of their topsoil, crashing the US agricultural industry and judicial system at the same time.
Cambodia will see its economy explode as it imports drugs from Colombia and whores from Thailand. Shortly after, it will be obliterated by armed pimps from Las Vegas, who don’t like competition.
Australia will be scooped up by the lacrosse-stick pocket that is Argentina, and lateraled up to be impaled by India’s southern tip, wedged between Peru and Madagascar. Kangaroos will be integrated into the Hindu system, and koala bears will migrate into Brazil, destroying the coffee crops.
These are just a random sampling of the catastrophic effects that will occur if we continue to ignore this problem.
Simple steps you can take to help:
Change your driving habits
If you are traveling West on the North or South American continents, take great care not to brake too hard; this adds momentum to Drift. Similarly, those traveling East should drive faster and brake harder, offsetting the Western thrust. Opposite directions apply to those traveling across Eurasia.
Lose Weight
The classic formula P=mv means that momentum (P) is a function of mass (m) times velocity (v). Every pound you lose dramatically decreases the total momentum of Drift.
Purchase Drift Offsets
If you are unable (or unwilling) to significantly decrease your own personal consumption, you need not feel guilty. For a small fee, you can arrange for an equivalent mass of biomatter to be destroyed. It may be one old-growth tree in the rainforest, or several children starving to death in Africa, but however it works out, you can sleep soundly, knowing that you did your part and are safe from charges of being hypocritical.
Blame the United States of America
Despite not having the largest population, or the biggest land area, or the most natural resources, the USA still has the most money of any other country in the world. Saving the planet isn’t going to be cheap, and by blaming the USA, you can use the resulting guilt as a lever into its collective checkbook. Insisting that this remaining superpower take the lead in crippling its economy to try and fix a naturally-occurring process, while not producing any measurable effect on the nominative issue, will at least take it down a few pegs and be good for some laughs.
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EES reviewed Version 1 -
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For starters I like the title. You are right, it is always time to act! Let’s go!!!
The first paragraph made me pause as a hard core conservative I expected to hear a ton of liberal bullshit about how we are destoying the earth, but I kept going and I actually dug what you were saying!! You make some really interesting points and conclusions. I love it! Surely you are right. it is continetal drift that is the problem.
Cute. Good job.
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Nolina reviewed Version 1 -
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You have some witty solutions to the “crisis” you have described here, as in the suggested change in driving habits and the equivalent biomatter idea. The funniest stuff is the predicted migration of whores and koala bears and invasion of those bad ass Las Vegans. However funny this stuff is, it can’t transcend the subject matter however, because your satire is at the expense of something serious and worrisome and part of everyday life for those of us in certain parts of the world. Maybe you could try a satire of those who whistle and make jokes while many species and humans suffer from climate change.
Keep up the good writing!
nolina
sione reviewed Version 1 -
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I started reading this and I was already turned off by the first sentence. I despise calls to save our planet, especially when they pop up in blog format. Don’t get my wrong, saving the planet is good but there surely is a better way to go about raising awareness.
And then I realised you were being funny and I pretty much fell in love with this piece. I especially liked the part where you detail the effects of continental drift; I didn’t know koalas ate coffee beans but hey.
My only criticism is that you shouldn’t have brought up the p=mv formula because it reminds me of the physics study that I’m neglecting by reading your funniness. Good job man, you rule.
Amrita reviewed Version 1 -
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An interesting idea. I liked the way you used something we can’t do anything about to highlight the issues that we can have an impact on, but I think you could have developed these ideas a bit more to provoke more thought. As an inhabitant of the southern hemisphere I also appreciate the effort you made to include us in the analysis of the effects of continental drift – I didn’t know koalas drank coffee, but now I know. Your final suggestion to blame the USA has some amusement value but could be funnier if you suggest how the money might be spent to alleviate the problem – just an idea.
Otherwise well done.
PurlDruid reviewed Version 1 -
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I think I love you. 10! I really don’t have anything else to say except maybe that this is sarcastic gold, not fools gold ;} I have been working within the Earth’s limits for a loooong time now, I’m glad that people are joining up.
ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 1 -
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You think continental drift is bad… China is planning moon missions! Since none of the nations which engage in manned space exploration have yet signed the Moon Treaty (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon_Treaty), imagine what will happen when China gets up there! They’ll stop building toys out of lead and start making them out of MOON ROCKS!! Of course, we can still blame the U.S. for buying all of those moon rock toys and thus encouraging China’s growing cheap child moon labor force.
itacaregaucho reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this text because you writing about one thing really important for all. and you don’t talk about the problems, you write about solutions and this is very good principle now, not the religions man, but the scientist saying:”The end is near” I’m sorry because my poor English (I’m rookie in English, but I’m understand and like a lot your text) keep writing!
PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 1 -
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I must say this is the zaniest blog I’ve ever read. It was well written. Though I am no grammar teacher, student or good at it at all, I didn’t see any obvious errors.
Well thought out piece. Keep em coming!
Smile,
Princess
remaerd_rising reviewed Version 1 -
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Having the kangaroos integrated into the Hindu system will definitely threaten the lifestyles of cows. Continental Drift, a very slow moving phenomenon to mock the latest trend in weather.
reluctantgeisha reviewed Version 1 -
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I’d say as satiric and dry as this writing is [and you’ve done very well with it], I’d make sure to take out any of the profanity.
I like it though, and I love the “equivalent mass of matter to be destroyed.”
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