Jaquie – thanks for the review. I guess word choice is very subjective – I find “come in” far easier to read and less formal than “enter” – maybe it Brit vs American?
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Legends of Old Karel Chapter 13
The wet afternoon was turning into a damp and chill early winter’s evening and the darkening streets of Old Karel were thronged. The cobbles and pavements were wet and slippery as Adyan shouldered blindly past the man, barging him away. His mind was in turmoil, replaying the discussion that had just finished, and trying to come to terms with the news he had received. Preoccupied, he failed to register the sharp cry of protest, but was suddenly aware of a hand seizing his cape, pulling him back and forcing him to turn round. A man’s face, plump and sulky looking, floated into view mouthing protests. Without thought, Adyan brought up a fist and drove it hard against the pouting lips, feeling them crush against his knuckles as the figure fell away. It was the sight of blood, bright drops of scarlet dripping onto the dark, slick cobbles of the narrow street that brought him sharply to his senses. With a muttered apology to the sprawling stranger, he turned and hurried away towards his lodgings with Gannet and Maria.
The light drizzle dampened his cloak and boots and he walked quickly to keep the cold at bay. In a few minutes, he arrived at their large and comfortable townhouse. It lay only a few streets away from the Old Palace where the Prince’s Watch was quartered, and where he had just finished a long interview with Colonel Pen. When they had reached the city, just less than a fortnight since, the old couple had insisted that he stay with them. “Plenty of room; and plenty of food,” Maria had said firmly, and brushed away his feeble protests.
Now, he was glad to get back there. He made his way directly up to his room and dropped heavily onto the bed, still wearing his cloak and boots. He lay quiet for a long time, the evening growing darker and the gloom in the unlit room matching his mood, until a gentle knock sounded at his door. He ignored it. After a short pause, it sounded again. When he still did not answer, the door handle turned and light footsteps came across the wooden floor followed by a weight that settled onto the edge of the bed. He felt a hand rest lightly on his arm and heard Maria’s voice say, “Adyan, please, let us help.”
Keeping his eyes closed, he turned his head away; but allowed the hand to stay resting on his arm. “You can’t help, Maria. You and Gannet have been good to me, but this is different.”
“Adyan, we owe you our lives. If you hadn’t been there in the forest, those bandits would’ve killed us. It was only their greed that kept us alive in the first place. They would soon have realised they couldn’t safely ransom us, and at that point we would have died. You being there, and your courage in not simply hiding away and leaving us to them, saved us. We’ll never forget that, Adyan. You’re a good person.”
“Hah!” The laugh was humourless and forced out of him like an explosion. “Good person! Ask my brother if I’m a good person. Ask my mother. But you can’t.”
He turned his head to face her, and his eyes locked on to hers, his voice full of pain. “D’you want to know why you can’t ask them? I’ll tell you. It’s because my brother is crippled and lost, and my mother is dead, and I’m the reason why. So don’t tell me I’m a good person.” His voice cracked with suppressed rage and hatred, but Maria did not flinch. She looked at him calmly, and it was only when he saw bright, unshed tears cloud her vivid blue eyes that he broke into hoarse, uncontrollable sobs. As the spasms twisted his body, and he curled into a tight ball against the grief and loathing he felt, she sat quietly by his side.
Eventually, exhausted, he could sob no more and lay still. Even then, she said no word but simply stayed in place, her hand a gentle comfort, stroking softly over his hair and shoulder.
For a long time he remained silent, and then gathering himself said, “Thank you, Maria. I’ll be all right now. I think.”
“I know you will, Adyan. You are made of stern stuff, you know? There are few who could have made the journey you did. Balten Dun came round a little while ago; he was concerned for you. He knows the news that the Colonel told you and he has told us what was said. Not because we want to pry into your life, but because he knows we care for you, and because you’ve earned his respect.” She paused and slapped him lightly on the arm, “And there are not too many who get that! So don’t tell me how bad you are, we all know different.”
The room was in full darkness, now, save for a glimmer through the window. Maria stood up from the bed and moved over to the fireplace, drawing a small tinderbox from a pocket in her apron. Deftly, she set light to the kindling sticks that lay ready in the grate, and blew softly on them in encouragement. In a few moments flames began to lick upwards, their flickering orange and yellow glow setting her shadow dancing about the room. Then, taking a taper, she lit the oil lamps on the wall and moved over to the window to draw the heavy drapes against the night.
“Adyan,” she said, returning to stand near him, “Balten told us about your mother and brother. We’re all so sorry to hear of it. But if there’s one lesson I’ve learned in the last sixty years it’s that we must always start from where we are now. We cannot remake the past. Our mistakes cannot rule us, Adyan. We must face them, learn from them, accept them and move forward.”
“Maria, are you saying I should return to the Abbey?”
“No! No, Adyan, I’m not suggesting that at all. There are charges against you in the Tribelands; it would be dangerous to return. Even though they are false, I would not have you go back. You have a good offer here. You have won respect from Balten, and his sponsorship has weighed well with the Colonel. It seems you even have the blessing of the Three. Lord Tollyd has decreed that any request for your return to the Tribelands will be refused. Gods alone know how he got involved, though he keeps a close eye on the Prince’s Watch; he was Colonel there himself ten years or so back. And, they have said that you can join the Watch as a Cadet. Not just Recruit; Cadet, with the chance to become an officer. If anything shows you how well you are regarded then that must, surely. It is not an easy thing, you know?
He rolled over, and then sat up on the edge of the bed looking up at Maria, hands thrust deep into the pockets of his cloak and shoulders hunched. He was quiet for a moment and then said, “I know. I think that’s part of what scares me. Everything has moved so fast, it’s unbelievable. Why should everyone be so good to me? Even with you and Gannet helping, even with Sergeant Dun. I cannot understand why the Watch should think so much of me. I don’t want to let people down, but you all expect so much…”
“We expect no more than you have within you, Adyan. Anyway,” She broke off and giggled, “Maybe that ugly old face you’ve taken to hanging round your neck is a luck charm, after all.”
She moved towards the door, then turned to face him again. “Adyan, will you bathe and dress and come down to eat with Gannet and me? You may talk or not as you wish, but I won’t let you stay here alone.” She looked at his wet boots and cloak, and then smiled. ”If you come, I promise not to tell Jenner how the coverlets got soiled.”
Adyan smiled in turn, though without enthusiasm. “Now that’s an offer I can’t say no to, Maria. You know, that woman scares me; she makes Sergeant Dun look like some wilting fop. If you promise not tell her it was my fault then -“
“Good!” Maria laughed, “Be swift. Jenner’s making a soufflé and if it drops then nothing I can say will save you.”
*
The following two days passed in a swirl of activity as Gannet and Maria ran him ragged around the merchants and tailors of Old Karel. Adyan felt helpless in the face of their boundless energy and knowledge. They knew everyone, they knew everything he would need, and they insisted on buying all of it. As a Cadet, not a mere Recruit, he was expected to provide his own uniform and equipment, and the old couple made sure he had the best of everything. He protested that he had got funds, and could buy his own kit. There had been a substantial bounty on Kennet Jak’s head, and the Imperial Treasury had paid up gladly at Gannet and Maria’s sworn testimony.
At the last, on the day set for him to join the Watch, they insisted on taking him to the Old Palace in their carriage, all of his new possessions piled high on top. After the short trip, bumping over the cobbled streets, they had delivered him to the gates and into the care of a tall, stout corporal with a red face and a bristling moustache.
An hour later, formalities complete, he found himself standing in front of a bare straw mattress that lay on a small iron bedstead, bags and baggage spread around his feet and left entirely to his own devices. On top of the mattress was a pile of neatly folded sheets and blankets. He looked round. There were a dozen other beds in the room, all made in identical copies of each other. The tops of crisp sheets showed, folded down over tightly tucked, grey blankets. The air smelt slightly musty, and he could see the windows high on the wall opposite were all tight shut. Dust motes danced in the weak sun that crept through them.
As he stood there, unsure of what he was expected to do, a sudden clamour of voices came from the corridor outside. He turned to see a group of youths in Cadet uniform come in through the door. They stopped short as they caught sight of him, and he was conscious of several pairs of curious eyes looking at him, and then voices rose in question.
After a few minutes exchange he began to feel in good company. The others were all fairly new Cadets. The eldest, a cheerful youth with a freckles and a mop of curly brown hair and emerald green eyes, seemed to be the unofficial leader of the group who had all joined only a fortnight since. He introduced himself to Adyan as Benj Hessop, and started to explain what was to be done, “Make your bed’s a good first move,” he said. “Then you need to stow your kit in the locker beside it. It’s got be done just so, I’ll show you, if you like? If you foul up then Old Fizz’ll have you doing punishment drill till you drop. “
“Old Fizz?” Queried Adyan.
“The tall, fat Corporal with the fizzy moustache, he’s in charge of Cadets. And he wants stuff done just so; to the hairsbreadth is only just good enough for him. He’ll want to be able to bounce a silver piece on your blanket, and if he can’t he’ll make you strip the bed and start again. If you get one bit of kit in the wrong place in your locker then he’ll just tip the lot on the floor and blame you for the mess!”
Just as Adyan was about to respond another voice broke in, loud and brusque, “Room! Room, stand still!”
Immediately all of the Cadets stood absolutely still and their eyes flicked to the open doorway. For a moment Adyan was at a loss, but swiftly decided that his best option was simply to follow suit, and he straightened up and copied the others.
Another group of Cadets, led by a large, bullet-headed young man with heavy shoulders walked through door, broad grins on their faces. A chorus of groans and curses came from those already in the room. “Flay!” Benj exclaimed, “Gods above, will you stop doing that? You’re not an officer yet.”
The large Cadet tipped his head to one side and looked scornful, ”Yeah, well, I’ll be one before you are, Hessop. So shut up, if you know what’s good for you.” He looked at Adyan, “You must the great big Tribelander hero we’ve all heard about. Don’t look like much to me,” He glanced around, “Any of you lot impressed with the new hero?” The newcomers all grinned, and began to look interested in the sport.
“My name’s Adyan. I just got here. I’m from Marus Abbey, Benj was just …”
The other interrupted, a broad smirk on his face as he turned to the others, “Adyan! Gods above can you believe that! Adyan! Bloody Tribe-boy here thinks he’s Royalty.” He turned back to Adyan, “Listen Tribe-boy, we’ve heard how you’re a great hero, but we ain’t as easily impressed as you think. So you keep quiet, do what I tell you, and we’ll get on fine.”
“Now look, Flay,” broke in Benj. “He doesn’t have to obey you, you’ve no more right to give orders…”
Flay moved swiftly, and shoved Benj hard in the chest sending him sprawling. “Never mind who’s an officer or not. You do what I say or I’ll damn well thrash the skin off you, Hessop.” He turned to Adyan, “And you, Tribe-boy, you remember your place. Any stupid ideas from you and I’ll have your skin as well.”
He reached up and seized Adyan by the front of his shirt, “Do I need to show you what I…Ow! Shit!” He pulled his hand back and looked at the bright droplets of blood that suddenly welled in a narrow line across his fingers. “What’ve you got in your damn shirt?”
Adyan frowned, “Nothing sharp.” He pulled out the smooth flat stone on its new leather cord, the ugly, tusked face showing to the front. “Only this old stone charm.”
“Yeah? Well give the damn thing to me. I don’t like it. Go on, take it off! You hear me Tribe-boy? Hand it over, right now.”
“Look, I don’t want any trouble. I’ve just got here. But it’s mine, so lets just forget it, eh?”
“Forget it?” Flay’s voice sounded incredulous. “No. We don’t forget things. You bloody well do what I say, or I’ll lay you out and use your arse as a sword stand.”
Adyan could feel the tension in the room begin to build swiftly. He knew he faced a choice, back down and forever obey this Flay, or stand up to him. “No.” he said. “If you want it then you better come and take it!”
Flay stood still, for moment, then launched himself, fists flailing. Adyan simply twisted, swaying to the side and allowing Flay to drift past him. Then he swiftly pushed out a knee, forcing the older Cadet’s front leg to tangle with the other, and sending him flying to the floor. Flay sprang up and regained his feet, glaring at Adyan. “That was the biggest mistake of your life, Tribe-boy!”
He moved towards Adyan again, more cautiously this time, and pulled a small dagger from his belt. “Now, Tribe-boy. Now I really am going to skin you.” Flay held the blade low in front of him, and then stepped forward whipping the point towards Adyan’s belly, driving it straight and hard.
Adyan danced to the side again, then straightened his left arm and swung it across the line of the blow. The edge of his clenched hand struck Flay on the wrist, deflecting the blade. He felt Flay’s forearm begin to brush past him, and he seized hold of the Cadet’s sleeve, continuing the spinning momentum and twisting the arm up and behind Flay’s shoulder, forcing tendons to pop and strain. As the knife dropped from the larger boy’s grasp Adyan kicked it away, then released Flay and stepped back, waiting.
“Room! Room, stand still!” This time the voice from the doorway was deeper, and with a rasping authority that brooked no possibility of doubt. Steps sounded on the stone floor, loud in the sudden stillness.
“Well done, Flay. I like keen students. You’ve clearly passed your combat skills on to our new Cadet. Very kind of you. However, there will be no more impromptu lessons. None. Is that understood?” Old Fizz stood, moustache bristling and face redder than ever.
Flay nodded sullenly, holding his twisted shoulder with his left hand, and wincing in pain, “Yes, Corporal.”
“What about you, Adyan?”
“Yes, Sir.”
“I’m not a damned Sir; I haven’t had the operation to remove all brains. I’m a damned Corporal. Now, get that damned bed made, and get your damned kit stowed. You’ve been here half the damned morning already and not done a damned thing!”
“Yes, Corporal. Sorry.”
As Old Fizz stalked out Flay looked at Adyan, “I’ll see you in hell, Tribe-boy.”
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PeterPrince reviewed Version 1 -
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I was intirgued by this chapetr. The language was more than ok and the narration as well as the descriptions were satisfactory. I was really drawn into the story due to your lively style. In my opinion there is only one downfall: The analogy between your dialogue and description is 10000000 to 1. My adcice is to increase the second in order to be even more believable. Overall however your characters are well-developed and authentic as well as independant true.
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Irvingk57 reviewed Version 1 -
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A good solid story, and well written, though the adventures and drama have been done many times over in other books. There is nothing new here to attract the interest of a publisher or agent except for the young adult category, although the violence may be too much for that category. That said, I liked the story and it kept me reading throughout. I look forward to more of it :)
Jacquie reviewed Version 1 -
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This is not a genre I would normally read but having said that I will tell that I enjoyed this and think you have done a nice job of developing your characters and the story flows nicely. You have several minor grammatical errors to correct. For example, “He turned to see a group of youths in Cadet uniform come in through the door.” Why use come in instead of enter. You have beautiful prose for the most part but there is a spattering of sentences like that, that sound amateurish.l I think they are easily corrected and would make your story read more smoothly. Good Luck in reaching your goals.
FALLENANGEL reviewed Version 1 -
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I believe that I have read a previous chapter in this ongoing work, but can’t be certain, it has been a while since I have last logged in to urbis. Now, as far as the plot and story-line go I believe that there is room for a great book here. the chapter started out a little slow, for my taste, but then picked up the pace once Adyan enlisted in the Watch. I like the way there was tension between the two boys from the very beginning. I wish I could read the previous chapters so that I could give your writting a review worthy of your skill. I have no formal writting exp. but love to write prose and poetry and love reading all sorts of sci-fi. Altogether I think you may very well attract a publisher with the finished product. Good luck.
josephjjoyy reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the opening section where the poor sap gets punched in the face, great way to open a story…your dialouge and conversation skills are great, the coversations never seems forced or awkward..it flows very nicely. I just wish that you would deviate a little and add something differnt to the plot…something to distinquish it from other fantasy novels…maybe i just need to read more…overall i thought it was a good peice
NorthWriter reviewed Version 1 -
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I haven’t read too much fantasy in my time, save “The Chronicles of Narnia” and Tolkien. But this is enjoyable. You do a good job writing Adyan as a young man not entirely at ease with himself, and conflicted about choices he’s made and knows he will have to make because of it. The dialogue isn’t corny and doesn’t sound forced.
It was good for me to see the notes at the top of the page, because I would have been completely lost without them. It sounds pre-tech, like the author indicated it should, but there are a few places where it’s easy to forget it. Like when Old Fizz tells Adyan he’s a corporal rather than an officer…that sounds really modern. Obviously this is your story, so you can do whatever you want, but in my opinion, such a clearly-defined rank structure seems out of place with this type of story.
That aside, I enjoyed this much more than I expected to. I’d love to read more. The reason I only gave it a 6 for attracting an agent/publisher is purely due to the volume of fantasy I imagine they review in a year. But again, fantasy isn’t really my forte, so it’s entirely possible that I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Well done!
esmaril reviewed Version 1 -
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the thing is i’m new here so don’t get mad if i did something wrong. i kinda sorta liked it but i’ve seen better. if you added a bit of laughs it might be a better peice. everything went a bit fast it went from him soiling his bed to him buying his clothes and then he got into a fight with some guy named flay. i’m sure that if i had read the first 12 chapters i would have been able to understand the characters a bit better.
Tabris reviewed Version 1 -
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i. Check your grammar.
“barging him away” was, for instance, caught within the first paragraph.
ii. Stop trying to overflow your work with detail. For nearly every single sentence, I’m getting two, or three pieces of the stuff. There’s no simple movement, and it kills the flow.
Good job, irregardless.
despondentgnome reviewed Version 1 -
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This is absolutely amazing. YOur language and method truly draw you into this realm. The images are frequent, luscious and compelling. You sir are a wordsmith. Sometimes this genre can be overdone, but you really added a sense of realism to this world, there wasn’t a single point in this chapter where you doubted the validity of the world you provided. Also what is nice is this piece stands on its own well, as every chapter in any novel should. Look forward to more from you.
ldeniseb reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the way the story is progressing. You are showing Aydan’s strength is in his brain not just his body. The quick thinking is nice. I get the impression Aydan is a reluctant hero. You do a good job with description of the surroundings and the environment. The only thing I noticed is the a few grammar errors, but I’m not even sure they are. A couple were done on purpose and I could tell. The only other thing you seemed to be in past tense then in present tense, that could be me, but I did notice it in several places. Not distracting but if you want to be published… Well you understand.
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