Romance / Mr. Right - Part 4
Almost a month had passed and still no word from “Mr. Right”, known to his friends as Thomas. I resolved to settle back into my quiet and uneventful life. I enjoyed my quiet time alone, I was not by any means co-dependant, but still hoped to someday become part of what I believed would be a great relationship with the right person. I decided a nice bottle of wine, good music, some candlelight, and a good book would make for a nice escape. I settled on a Beringer 2003 Private Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon; I purchased while touring the Beringer Winery in the Napa Valley with my best friend Debbie, it was one of the many business trips she accompanied me. I poured a glass of wine and carried the bottle with me to the den; I set the bottle on the table next my reading chair; my reading chair seemed to be hundred years old and maybe a little worn, but it was now a part of me and I could not bare to part with it; my cousin had urged me to toss it when I was moving to my new place, but I had refused and stood my ground. The chair’s rich, chocolate, leather was beginning to show some wears and creases where I had sat so many years reading my collection of many books. The glove leather was now softer than it was when I purchased the chair twenty years ago at a garage sale; the chair now melded to my body when I fell into it, cradling me in its seat and carrying me away to my own private world in my mind.
I lit the candles in the fireplace that was rarely used, living in Florida there was not much use for a fireplace, except for the fact it made for a great fire-proof candle holder. I turned on the stereo and selected a Linda Eder CD, her voice and choices of songs were always so soothing and relaxing. I settled into my chair and picked up the book lying on the antique drum table next to the chair. The drum table was a purchase I had found on Craig’s List a few months prior, it had taken me months to finally find one under fifteen-hundred dollars, but after a lot of patience and searching I found one not far from where I lived and it was only one-hundred dollars, a real bargain, even though it had been neglected and needed a lot of work to bring it back to life.
A few glasses of wine later I was halfway through Linda Eder, a chapter into my book and the aroma of Asian spice candles filling the room; the phone rang, it was “Mr. Right”, he was downstairs and wanted me to buzz him in. My first thought was to hang-up and leave him standing there, but my heart string tugged deep and I could not bring myself to just ignore him, I had to hear whatever it was he had to say. I hung-up the phone without a word and pressed the buzzer that would once again allow him access to my heart. Living in the penthouse on the seventeenth floor of my building meant I had ten minutes to rid myself of whatever glee was leaping inside of me and prepare myself for the long overdue face-to-face meeting with “Mr. Right”. I quickly turned off the stereo and turned on the light switch that quickly illuminated the living room; I didn’t want him to think that I was sitting here in the dark feeling sorry for myself. I started to blow-out the candles in the den, but decided to leave them; their aroma was much too relaxing and I thought it would help me to remain calm.
The doorbell rang, I walked to the door and peered through the peephole, more out of habit than necessity, I knew it would be him. Through the peephole I could see it deep blue eyes peering back at me, as if he knew I was looking at him, a huge smile spread across his face, he did know I was peering at him through the peep hole. I opened the door and did my best to muster a smile for him. He quickly pulled me into his arms, squeezing me hard and gave me a light kiss on the lips. I kept my cool and pretended as though all of my houseguests exhibited such delight in seeing me. When he stepped into the apartment he looked around as if he were returning home from an extended absence. He commented on how great the place looked and told me what I great job I had done decorating the place since he last visited me; I smiled and thanked him as I offered him a seat in the chair across from the loveseat where I was sitting, he chose instead to bend down and give me a kiss then sit next to me, putting his one armed around me and taking my hand in his free hand, I blushed like a small school girl. I jumped up from my seat, freeing my hand and offering him something to drink; I had to do something to get myself out of this awkward moment. He declined anything to drink; I announced I was going to have another glass of wine, I wished I left off the plurality by announcing I was having “another” glass of wine. I looked back at him, expecting disapproval, but instead he was smiling as if I just said or did something that amused him. I poured myself a glass of wine and returned to the couch next to him, he did feel good, I loved feeling his warmth next to me, I truly missed him, but I did not want to seem too eager and frighten him away. In my mind I kept telling myself to remain calm, do not get excited, do not be aloof, but do not just fall back into his arms.
After what seemed like an hour sitting in silence I decided to break the silence and offered him a tour of the apartment newly redecorated apartment as I rose from the couch. I turned to face him and he was holding out his hand for me to pull him up from the couch. I took his hand and gently tugged it, little did I know he was merely trying to tug at my heart strings with this cute gesture that mimicked an old married couple assisting each other as they rose or sat. I took his hand in mind, feigning a tug he rose from the couch with great ease, I smirked as he did the same, then he kissed me again, only this time it was much deeper and he pulled me tight against him, even tighter than he had earlier when I opened the door. I felt my senses were leaving me as mind and legs quickly turned to mush; I was not going to just shake this one off and ignore it like the small affections he displayed earlier. I thought maybe it was the wine going to my head, once he released me I placed the empty wine glass on the end table next to loveseat where we had been sitting. He asked if I was ok, I nodded and mustered a smile, quickly changing his look of concern into a devilish smile I quickly recognized.
As I showed him through the apartment, avoiding the bedroom, very few words were exchanged. Once I showed him the last room on my itinerary he asked about the master bedroom, I quickly told him there had been no changes to the master bedroom since he last visited it. He assured me he needed to see for himself and said he felt I was holding out on him. I knew it was a game, a silly game that adolescents and gay men play to get where they want to be, but against my better judgment or perhaps because I was hoping I was right, I directed him to the master bedroom. He pushed open the door and threw me onto the bed, falling on top of me. I could feel the weight of body on top of me, almost crushing me, his hot breath on my neck as he nibbled on my neck and shoulder exposed through my t-shirt. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed him, pulling his body closer to me and crushing myself even more under what had now become his full body weight. His face found mine and we kissed deep and passionately. No attempts were made to remove any articles of clothing and no words were spoken. After what turned into more than an hour of kissing, coddling, groping he rolled over onto his side, I could feel my lips were chapped, but I could taste his sweetness on my lips so it did not seem to matter. He looked at me with his deep blue eyes focusing on me, as if he were seeing my soul deep inside of me, discovering who I was for the first time. I blushed and tried to look away, turning my head to face the wall, his gently guided my face back to his as kissed me softly on my lips, forehead, nose, cheeks, and finally my lips again. He took a deep breath, and then took my hand in his as he buried his face in my neck.
This time there was no nibbling, no caressing, he just lay there with his arm lying lifelessly across my chest. I softly rubbed his back and petted him as he just lay there, like a small child ready to drift off to sleep, I assumed he was just exhausted and wanted to just rest there with me for a while. I pulled him to the top of the bed, away from the foot of the bed where we collapsed earlier as we made-out like young teenagers in-love or lust, I’m not sure which it was. He cuddled up against me, laying his face on my chest, his arms wrapping loosely around me. I immediately flashed back to Brandon, my first and last real boyfriend and relationship that ended tragically with him cheating. Thomas did not speak for a long time, he just laid there without saying a word, I stared up at the ceiling, my thoughts drifting away to Brandon, as I analyzed the situation and compared it with Brandon I began to realize the two of them were a lot alike, and it frightened me. I must have shivered at the thoughts I was having because it seemed to jolt Thomas’ head from my chest, he looked at like a small puppy and asked what was wrong, I managed a smile and just said “Nothing is wrong.” I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled him close to my face, lightly kissing him and again whispered “Nothing is wrong, nothing at all.”
We lay in bed for the next five hours, I drifted in and out of consciousness, waking every once in a while to be sure this was not some sort of strange dream I was in. I would wake to find Thomas still curled up next to me with his head resting on my chest, it warmed my heart each time, the thoughts of Brandon had vanished the second time I woke to check-on Thomas. I lay there rubbing his back and running my fingers through his hair; I could smell him and found comfort in it. He finally awoke, his hand began rubbing my chest, but he did not look up at me. He reached out to find my hand and squeezed it in his. Then finally looking at me he smiled, his eyes dancing, but looking sad at the same time. I decided to throw any caution to the wind and ask him what was going on and why he had decided to resurface after disappearing for so long. I prepared myself for an answer I did not want to hear, but knew I was about to hear. Thomas took a deep breath and squeezed my hand tighter as he buried his face in my neck, I could feel what I thought were tears, but was not sure. Then I felt the rise and fall of his back as he made a few gasps for air and the tears began to flow freely, running down my neck and soaking my t-shirt where he his head laid still buried in my neck. I was at a loss for words and not sure what to do so I just held him and continued petting him.
When he had finally released whatever emotion he had pent-up inside of him he did not look at me as he began to tell me the long story about his ex-boyfriend who had moved to New York almost a year earlier. He told me the home Thomas currently lived in was owned by the two of them, they had other property and assets together as well. He proceeded to tell me how Nick, moved to New York with his job temporarily and was planning to move back, at first I thought he meant he was going to have a new roommate, but that was not what he meant at all. Thomas and Nick never broke-up or ended their relationship, they were still a couple and were about to be living together once again as a couple when Nick returned from New York in a few days. I stood strong and pretended as though none of this affected me, but it was affecting me, in a very big way, my heart was close to collapsing. Thomas finally lifted his head from my neck and looked at me, his blue eyes were now red and swollen, and his face looked weary and tired. I held strong and refused to show any emotion one way or the other, but he continued to look at me in expectation, I did not feel I owed him any sort of reaction and became almost irritated and what seemed to be expectation that I would break-down and cry with him. I announced I had to pee and quickly rose from the bed.
Once I was in the bathroom I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath. I stared at myself in the mirror, chastising myself for allowing this news to affect me as much as it did, much less crush my heart. My eyes were turning red and begging to look puffy, I flushed the toilet to complete the rouge of peeing and splashed cold water on my face. I dried my face, careful not to touch my eye area and make it any more puffy or red. When I returned to the room he was sitting at the foot of the bed, he did not look at me this time, he just held his head down. I was not sure if I should comfort him or just let him sit there in silence. Who was going to comfort me? He had just walked back into my life with fireworks and I assumed was about to abandon me again with yet another dramatic boom that had hit me like a brick before it had even completely fallen. I decided to do what I thought would be the right thing. I sat next to him with my hands in my lap, he took my hand in his, rubbing it over his face then holding it against his lips. Still not looking at me he began to speak again, apologizing for everything he put me through. I told him it was okay, I was a big boy, I lied. He continued to tell me he felt the two of us belonged together and he wished he had met me long before a month ago because we might have been able to form more of a relationship. I joked that if he were not partnered that might be true, but given the circumstances I felt his partner might frown upon him developing a relationship with someone else. He did not respond with any sort of amusement at my comment.
As we sat there on the foot of the bed he continued to tell me the ups and downs of his relationship with Nick that had lasted for six years, I must have flinched because he mumbled again that he was sorry. I feigned acceptance of the situation and told him I was a big boy, I had lied again, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, this was the second time this had happened to me and he was only the second guy I had ever fallen for in my life. I continued to focus on my anger to keep from crying as he continued to pour out his heart and truth to me. I did not respond anymore, I just sat there, afraid that if I spoke a flood of emotions would pour out of me causing me to collapse into tears in front of him. The parts of the story my ears would let into my head basically told the story of a relationship that had a lot of turmoil, but they were trying to work through it, although Thomas did not feel confident it would work, it was too little effort too late on his partners part. I knew from past experience and stories I had heard they would stay in the relationship until someone better came along, Thomas had hoped I would be his someone better, but he was not ready to take the chance at this point.
Thomas rose from the bed and extended his hand to me, I took his hand and he yanked me from the bed with what felt like every bit of strength he had. I lunged forward crashing into him, he grabbed me and pulled me close to him, holding me tight in his arms for a while. He kissed me softly on the lips and once again apologized for everything. I watched as he walked to the door, I was not going to follow another door about to shut in my face as my hopes came crashing down around me. When he reached the door he turned and said “I love you, I really do, I just wish I had more time to get to know you and see where it goes.” The knife in my heart twisted and turned, sending me reeling, the tears began to flow down my cheek as he turned to open the door. Before stepping through the door and out of my life forever he turned to me once more as if to take it all in. As he turned to leave he mumbled “You really are a great guy, you deserve someone who can be with you completely and honestly, not some loser like myself.” With that he closed the door to my heart, my life, and what might have been a great relationship under different circumstances.
I went back to the bed, collapsing where he had been lying earlier. I buried my face in the comforter, his smell and warmth still lingering. I let out all of the emotions I had kept bottled-up inside of me until my head was throbbing like it would explode. I drifted off to sleep at some point, when I awoke the sun was creeping through the window behind me. I would never hear from Thomas again, our paths would not cross in any common social circles. When he closed the door to my apartment he also closed the door to my heart. I would never see Thomas again, our paths would never cross because we did not have any commons social circles, I was grateful for that, but at the same time saddened. In time my heart would heal, I was at least grateful it had ended after only a few months instead of the years I had wasted with Brandon only to discover that he was also partnered in a troubled relationship of five years. Maybe I fell to easily in love with a stranger that I did not really know or maybe I was not really in love with him at all, maybe I was just lonely and he filled my need to be held. I would someday open my heart again, but for now I would practice self-control and learn to tread more carefully into my emotions. What had started as a fun game at Park Place had become a serious heartbreak at my place.
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Oh..Oh…OH!!!! Okay, I seriously hate how this supercedes gay and heterosexual! WHATS WITH PEOPLE STEPPING OUTSIDE RELATIONSHIPS? Woody, your writing has gone from good, to great…to REALLY packing a punch! For fun, take a look at your first chapter of this…and then read this again!
Okay, I have one complaint..and it’s one you do repeatedly (but I do it also…so I’ll just pretend I know better as I give you this lecture). HAD HAD! You use “had” entirely too much. Take two paragraphs, count the number of times you use it. Now try each of those sentences with and without the word. I believe you’ll find it’s stronger without in more cases than with.
In all, awesome..awesome read. (Like my choice of unique and stimulating vocabulary this time?) Can’t wait to read MORE!
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