Oh yeah. Big noir fan. Once I heard Cheshire say “Hiya, Doll” in my head, it had to be done. ;)
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Hush, Little Baby - Chapter 1
It was raining outside. A cold wind sent newspapers leaping out of trash bins to chase each other around lampposts and under cars. I was in my office. It made as much sense as staying at home alone, and I could always entertain the notion that a case might come my way. Failing that, maybe some dame would drop off a bottle of scotch. Failing that, at least I’d be avoiding the bill collectors that seemed to be the only people interested in finding me lately. Incidentally, that’s why I don’t put my business address on my cards. Come to think of it, that’d explain the lack of business.
I was staring at my office door – erihsehC, it read. The phone rang, and I was momentarily startled, having been sure that it had been disconnected by now.
“He ain’t here,” I answered.
“That’s too bad,” came a silken voice, “‘cause I got a present for him.”
“If it doesn’t say ‘Single Malt’ on it, forget it.”
“Guess I’ll find someone else to solve the case, then. Goodbye, Cat.”
“Hang on, Doll. What’s the angle?”
“So you’re interested now?” I could hear her smile.
“Maybe,” I purred, playing it cool. “Why don’t you come up and tell me about it?”
“See you in ten.”
“Later, Doll.” I hung up the phone. Me and Dolly go way back, ever since I helped her out with that peeper, Young Roger. Good kid, just needed some guidance. He’s a cobbler in the housing business, now.
Ten minutes went by, and a familiar silhouette darkened the frosted glass of my office door.
“You in dere, Boss?”
“No, I’m picking the daily double down at Preakness.”
“Dat’s funny, cuz you sho’ sounds like you in dere. I guess I be seein’ you when you be gettin’ back, den.”
My assistant. Mind as sharp as a bowl of curds and whey. Still, he was useful on occasion. His silhouette shrank, to be replaced by one more to my liking a few minutes later.
“Come on in, Doll,” I called out to her knock. Dolly came in, my two favorite things jutting out of her jacket: a bottle and a money envelope. “What’s the dish?” I asked.
“I am,” she said. An old gag, but good enough to keep me behind my smile for a change. She set the items on my desk and tossed her raincoat to me. I dropped it where I stood and made my way to my chair.
“Buy a lady a drink?” she asked in a low contralto, and I pulled a couple of souvenir bucket glasses from The Well out of my filing cabinet. We toasted each other and drank, the liquor evaporating on our tongues like a smoky remembrance of better meals had during better times.
I ran a paw over my whiskers. “So what’s a place like this doing around a girl like you?” She looked up at me then, and I saw not the confident woman that had entered my door a few minutes ago, but the scared young girl with a stalker problem I’d met so long ago.
“You know the Weasel, Chesh?”
That was an obvious question. Everyone knew the Weasel. If there was money to be made outside the law, the Weasel had his paws all over it.
“Not socially, but yeah, I’ve seen him around, sure. Why do you ask?”
“He’s been popped.”
That made me sit up straight. “What’re you saying, Doll?”
“Someone popped the Weasel, Chesh. Over at the Mulberry Bush.”
The Mulberry Bush. If there was a worse dive in town, I didn’t know about it, and I’m SCUBA certified. I looked at Dolly. “I haven’t heard anything on the street about this, Doll. Are you sure?” She nodded slowly.
“I was there, Chesh. I found him.”
This surprised me. “What were you doing at the Bush, Doll? That’s no place for a good kid like you.”
“The Weasel and me, we sorta been…seein’ each other.”
I sat back heavily and didn’t say anything for a bit. Dolly wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Well,” I finally said, “it’s your life, kid.”
“Please, Cheshire, you don’t understand.”
“You’re right, Doll; I don’t. But that’s not my business.”
“It is if you take the case. Please, Chesh. I got no one else to turn to. You gotta help me.”
“Why is that? What kind of trouble are you in?”
“They’re gonna think I did it, Chesh. I’m gonna be sent up the River Dee if you don’t clear me.”
“Did you?”
She looked startled, then offended. “No! Of course not!” Her angry look melted into tears, and she pulled a handkerchief out of her purse.
I struck a match on the desk, lit a cigarette, and tossed the match into the corner, where it joined hundreds of others. The little match girl was supposed to come by every couple of weeks to pick them up for recycling, but I hadn’t seen her since the previous winter. “Sorry, Doll,” I said. “I had to ask.”
She pulled herself back together and nodded. “I know, Chesh. It’s okay. So will you help me?”
“I guess I could, for old time’s sake. Well, that and the cash. I’ve got bills to pay, you know.”
“But you don’t pay your bills,” she reminded me.
“That doesn’t mean they go away.” I stood up. “Come on. You hungry? I’ll buy you an early breakfast.”
“Thank you, Chesh.” She sniffled and smiled.
“Sure thing, Doll. Grab your coat off the floor and we’ll get out of here.”
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Lena17 reviewed Version 1 -
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YAY! I finally get to read the first chapter! I had originally found this story with chapter six, I believe, in the review section. I loved your tone and storytelling ability, as well as the classic crime thriller style that just yanked me right into the piece. Very few writers have that ability of grace; it’s something many struggling and failing yearn for. Don’t take it for granted.
This was a nice opening to this saga. I have to say, it was a bit cliche, just as every crime novel seems to open with something along the lines of: “It was raining…”, “It was cold…”, “It was dark…” (but that’s fine!! It means you really know what you’re writing about!)
I really have no objections with this bit. All I can really say is phenonmenal work, and I can’t read the rest!
~JMB
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MrBillShow reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, damn, I guess now I’ll have to read all of the other parts to this story, seeing as how I’m hooked now.
I could hear a saxaphone wailing in the background. This absolutely felt like one of those old film noir detective thrillers. I’m guessing you’ve seen a lot of those?
I’m loving the descriptive yet terse nature of the dialog.
Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the ‘fairy-tale noir’ style of this. Your narrative voice is perfect for this story, and you maintain it seamlessly throughout. Nor does the writing come across as that of an author ‘laughing at his own jokes.’
Someone popped the Weasel… (shakes head) Yeah, we shoulda all seen that coming.
“If there was a worse dive in town, I didn’t know about it, and I’m SCUBA certified.” Great line!
Needless to say, I’ll be reading the next part of this, too.
Sharon reviewed Version 1 -
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Good bye Matlock, hello Dick Tracy!!
I loved, loved, loved it. It’s a classic. I have the visual in my head. It’s all black, white and dusty. A cluttered office, a guy with suspenders maybe. A woman with perfect, curly hair and red lipstick in the middle of all the black and white. Really cool.
I love the way you use the dialogue, describing what they’re doing, how they’re feeling in between quotes. I was brought in after the first paragraph. I eagerly read the rest of the chapter with no thoughts of skimming.
I’ll be looking for the next part. You definitely have a way with words. You’re very creative. Good luck!
kendallina reviewed Version 1 -
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This was fun to read and I was sorry that the chapter is over… I’d like to see what happens next. At first, I was put off by the tone, the names and how cliche it is for this type of character to say, ‘kid’ and call the woman ‘doll’ and drink scotch. But, it was fun nonetheless. One thing, I was a little confused about whether he knew the woman that was calling him- I think the revelation that he knew her came too late in the story, because I was surprised to find out that he knew her. I like the humor about his business cards not having his address on it and that he’s avoiding calls from bill collectors. Nice touches. I’d love to see when you come out with the second chapter… feel free to leave me a message when you do. Have fun with it!
Bronwyn reviewed Version 1 -
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Vivid and brisk, it pulled me in.
The opening of this set piece was quite clever: you’ve started with the well-worn idea of the financially strapped PI, sitting alone in his office waiting for clients, avoiding bill collectors, etc. But then you give a fresh twist by stating that he doesn’t put his address on business cards for fear of bill collectors. Then bit of being surprised by the phone actually ringing when he thought it was disconnected -- really nice touch! I was a bit confused by the odd moniker on the door to his office -- erisehC. Made me read twice . . . and I still don’t get it.
I liked most of the dialogue, even if did seem a wee bit of contrived cool.
I liked “minds as sharp as curds and whey” and “my two favorite things . . . a bottle and a money envelope.”
Popped the weasel was cute. Maybe too cute. But it works.
You’ve got talent. And the markets favor your clipped style and humor.
Good luck!
Redrum reviewed Version 1 -
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Why do I feel as if I just read an exerpt of a black and white Humphrey Bogart movie? Oh, wait a second, I think I did.
This is good stuff and very well written. If you are writing simply for fun, you may want to rethink your thinking. You have a talent that needs to be explored. I could not find one thing out of place and your descrptions and characters are well thought out. Whatever you do, KEEP WRITING, you’re good at it.
Waterlily reviewed Version 1 -
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Your technique is fun and one that I don’t see very often. It has a very rustic feel, which makes the piece very inviting. I love the empowerment you give your leads. I plan to keep an eye on your work for the following chapters.
gnightmoon reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well done. Perfect noir tone and rhythm, and I love the originality of the idea. For the most part, this first chapter feels very polished, with nary a typo to nitpick at. A couple of the sentences seemed a little wordy – ”...bill collectors that seemed like the only people interested in finding me…” could be shortened, as could ”...having been sure that it had been disconnected by now.” Those were really the most that I could find, though. I loved finding the references to the different characters – you have enough of them to keep the reader chuckling, without going over the top with it. I’m really looking forward to seeing where you go with this in future chapters. Nice work!
EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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Right from the opening paragraph you have my attention.
“I could hear her smile.” – very nice. :)
“Me and Dolly go way back” – “Dolly and I” is gramatically correct, though dialect-wise, I hesitate to correct you. It’s up to you.
This is very humourous and entertaining – very well-written.
I must say it is a pleasure to read something that isn’t heavily ridden with grammar/spelling mistakes.
It could be longer, though. The humour is great, but you might consider adding more descriptive passages.
Excellent opening – I hope to read more of this!
Keep writing – I am very impressed with this so far.
I love Lewis Carroll – the Cheshire Cat is one of literature’s most interesting characters. This reminds me of Jasper Fforde, Roger Rabbit, or even the old (Mark Rogers) Samurai Cat stories. Keep writing – this is wonderful! :) Let me know when you post more of it!
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