Poetry / Number 1

Very good. The rhyme scheme and rhythm seem off here and there, like conch vs. 1 and “be a number 1”, better phrased w/o ‘a’. All in all, though, the rhythm and imagery remind me of an island beach scene with the drums, conchs, and rhythmic dancing. Kudos.

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August 07, 2008

by solo

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28	M	Silver Spring, MD	November 22

I liked your review!!!  I’m going to follow it!!!

cheers!!!

August 09, 2008

by trouten_m

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24	F	Greenville, SC	November 29

Thanks. :D

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I like your piece, and although there was overall good flow, i did have to pause at some stages, especially when it gets to :

“They have called me a top-notch
At the beating of the drums
Get out, be loud, enjoy the sun
At the cry of the conch
Jump up, dont stop, be a number 1”

There is a little bit of loss of flow in here, and the combination of words you have used here got me a little halted. rhyming of sun and number 1? i guess it works.

All I could say is that possibly, your poem could be a little easier to read if you maybe broke up the text a little. i.e. break the text into bunches of a few lines.

But it was good. Cheerz :)

the rythm is good and i like the overall message, its sounds a little campy with the simplistic rhyming but it suits it well for the propose of song and would probably sound wonderful if sung. i liked it cause when its all over you feel special. thanks.

It does sound like you had fun writing this one. I can really sense what you are trying to create. I wish I could hear it from your point of view though. It reads as though it resonates some sort of group chant and it vaguely reminds me of old prose. I would say try and stay away from keeping the rhyming so strict and let the piece breath a little more. Thanks for sharing!

I have to say this seems like it would make a great song. Right now you have a pretty good poem, that is more entertaining than artistic. I can easily see this as a ska or reggae song or even pop-punk.

Very uplifting and encouraging, warm and fuzzy. ;)  Even before I read your note, I felt the PI and Christian influences.  Definately evoked images of tiki torchs, grass skirts, and steady drums.  Cool.

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August 27, 2007

by solo

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28	M	Silver Spring, MD	November 22

Very thankful for your review!!!  I am glad that you noticed those influences because that is exactly how I wanted the readers to perceive Number 1 as.  God is number 1 and so are you!!!  Thank you.

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I thought that this was amusing and entertaining. It was very playful which I am sure a lot of people won’t understand unless they have an appreciation for life.

“All the fish and spirits they watch
All the birds and beasts and such
All the trees that I have touched
They have called me a top-notch”

I think that this verse is unique in the whole peice because it refers to the whole world noticing the special person that you are. Good luck with poetry and don’t be afraid to not rhyme now and again. Peaceful writings are good for the soul.

It is a lyric for a song of course. Funk & punk indicate the influence of Amerikan kulture on island kommunities. Number One dates back a bit further to pidgin ‘You number one,’ which is widespread in Asia & Pacific probably since WW2, maybe much earlier. I often sit around home in a sarong, stitched up the side, a tube as it’s worn in India. Tonight I’m wearing veshti. I can imagine your song played & sung on a beach by a campfire with drums,  percussion, ukeleles & guitars backing the singers. This afternoon I gave an introductory talk on song writing at the Art Gallery. Three poets are  coming around home next Saturday to hum or play what they’ve got so I can show them how to notate & find the chords. A couple of them are keen have some singing lessons too.

It feels more like song lyrics than a poem. The punctuation needs work. Some of the rhyme feels forced (what do sarongs have to do with anything else?). I do like the upbeat rhythm and the feel-good attempt. I feel a little odd about the third stanza… “acting like a punk but you’re not even drunk”? I didn’t know acting like a punk usually meant you had to be drunk, and conch seems out of the place with all the exact rhymes in that stanza. I think most of it is pretty good, maybe just some tuning. The end is a good inspiration if you’re religious.

I enjoyed this – I think you generally did a good job of creating and staying within a rhythm. The ending is sort of a nice twist that makes readers look back at the rest of it in a new way.

To be nitpicky, I noticed a number of places that should have had apostrophes and didn’t. It’s possible that this is just a typographical issue, and you actually meant to include the apostrophes. But just in case, make sure that contractions like “you’re” and “don’t” have their apostrophes.

Good luck!