Hey thanx alot dude, glad ya liked it. If you into some meloncholy shit sometimes theres a good song on the moby album 18, bout song 11 or 12 and thats where i lifted the last 3 lines and also above, its a part of the chorus, but i mixed around a little bit and that song was kinda the inspiration for the poem. Glad you liked it mate.
Poetry / XXIII 23 two three
I’m standing here alone
In a dark and empty space
Waiting for my future
To ignite a smile on my face.
At least we were together
For a while
Flying through the sky.
Why can’t my heart
Let memories stay in my head
And be content with times gone by.
I walk in this dark,
And get nowhere.
I run in this dark,
And get nowhere.
I wish there was some sunshine somewhere
Somewhere that I was or was going.
When I scream there is no sound seconds later
When I hit my head it doesn’t hurt minutes later
When I sleep I am awake hours later.
I wish I could see myself or be knowing
But there is no light in this flat black place
No bumps, no hills, no tests, no turns
Days turn into weeks and I don’t know
If my eyes are opened or closed.
I can hear the demons pushing me
But I don’t know from which side.
I jump on my head but my neck doesn’t break
I hold my breath but keep waking up still blinded by this darkness.
“Where is the way out?”
But I get no answer back.
“Please let me out!”
But I get no answer back.
I turn around and walk away
Another illusion of another day
This dark place is dead silent as my heart doth say:
At least we were together
For a while
Flying through the sky.
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Deadsage reviewed Version 1 -
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I think some pruning would greatly improve this, and some focus. The first stanza doesn’t match the rest of the poem, this is an existential angst poem, let it be dark and put the future smiles somewhere else.
“Days turn into weeks and I don’t know
If my eyes are [open] or closed.” -great line, but grammar
“I opened my eyes and now they are open”
The theme of being in the darkness is effective, but also cliche, you have to set yourself apart either by style (profound word choice, skillful meter, etc.) or by content (creating a new way of expressing this existential crisis).
weak lines:
“Somewhere that I was or was going.” -why the “or” option?
“When I hit my head it doesn’t hurt minutes later” -I know what you are saying, but the image is cartoonish. Find a better way to express pain being only a temporary expression of your suffering.
“I wish I could see myself or be knowing ” -again why the “or”
“no tests, no turns ” -“twists” would fit the content better than “tests” it sounds like this whole experience is a test that you must endure.
“I can hear the demons pushing me ” -you can hear them but not feel them? what kind of sound do pushing demons make? reword.
“I jump on my head but my neck doesn’t break ” -again, Wiley Coyote comes to mind, find a better expression for this.
“my heart doth say” – remove the “doth say” archaic speech is out of place with the rest of the language.
“Amuse / Entertain / Warm a few hearts” -remove this criteria, it doesn’t match.
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HMStocker reviewed Version 1 -
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weirdishfriend reviewed Version 1 -
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Yeah I can see the emotion!
Loved it-especially the way you wrote it!
Kudos!
quetita reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! I thought that was awesome! I really enjoyed reading it. I like the title to be honest with you. I mean, I’m not big on catchy titles. I dig the significance behind it. It helps capture the moment in which you wrote it and all these emotions that poured out of you. That’s what makes “23rd March” significant. Anyhow, I really liked it a lot. I’m sorry about what you went through. Hope things get better.
youngjed reviewed Version 1 -
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I quite liked this, though i expected it to be terrble (another poem about someone breaking up with their girlfriend). it was clear and nicely put. the languge could be rendered more unusual but i thik the simplicity of the imagery works quite well. One concrete suggestion
doth say change to . It says?
CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
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Its fairly publishable, it might need a little clarifycation in some of the stansa. Your emotions, although prevelent, I feel you could better express in this piece.
I liked the strucutre you chose and it really helped with the flow and rhythm of the poem. Excellent job!
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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Your first stanza is very weak, its imagery and rhyme are all super-conventional to the point of being cliche. This in turn makes the rest of the poem slightly weaker as you continually reference back to the “dark place.”
“When I scream there is no sound seconds later
When I hit my head it doesn’t hurt minutes later
When I sleep I am awake hours later.”
I really liked this segment. The way you used a logical progression towards saying that eventually you’ll be over the relationship, but without actually saying it, was very creative and imaginative.
imnoromeo reviewed Version 1 -
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you shorter stanzas are absolutly excellent and carry a great deal of the piece the two larger stazas however I think need refinement they lose any type of rhyme and they feel forced for instance “I wish I could see myself or be knowing” this line seems confusing keep working on it though like i said this piece has some great high points just needs some more clarity and improved flow for perfection
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