Poetry / THREE YEARS, TWO HOMES, AND A FRIEND

ther are a few spelling errors and grammatical mistakes. What exactly does desiredes mean? is it a spelling error? otherwise I felt you really capture the randomness of mania and the contrast between that and the low points.

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November 20, 2007

by neverisapromise

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
161	90.9% (44 votes)	27.0%

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16	F	Palm Desert, CA	November 29

Every time I look at this poem, I can never remember my logic when I wrote “desiredes” instead of “desires”. I remember that I wanted the concrete form of “desire”, but then why not just use “desires”? I’m still trying to figure this out.

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Well, you are definately talented for one so young.

“A sliver of me
All that is left
of my eleven year old self.
For Good Or Bad?-I don’t know.”
This is fantastic. Concise and visceral.

“I poured salt on the simmering battle
Fighting for everything-
nothing at all.
Am I Stripping Off The Layers?-Packing More On?”
Wonderful. Lyrical. All this in three years…? That’s a lot of growth.

“Either way
is self destructing.
Tick Tock-goes the boMB!
It’s so dark inside.
The Claustrophobia Is Suffocating Me (Drowning Me Out!)
But I was bleeding from my missing pores.”
You will cetainly get published if you keep this up.

“That sliver is decaying now,
but forrevver half way…
When there’s a fork in the road I can’t just walk strait
I’m not properly equipped in heels.”
This is a little awkward and I am not quite sure what you’re going for here.

“I never allowed my beliefs to be queried or trampled
Arguing my way
for the desiredes I do and don’t want.
I Just Couldn’t Watch My Mouth!
Thunder-Stricken!
It came to an end.”
This ending is a bit abrupt and I am unsure as to what came to an end…? Your childhood? Your feelings of youth and curiosity..?
This is truly a great piece, it does need a tiny bit more polishing though. Good luck! You deserve it.

I crept by unnoticed
then settled on the blue sash.
BIPOLAR
I am silenced
and this time uncontrollably.
calm-mellowed out
It’s what they wanted.
They Act As If It’s Worse-
It Seems To Be Worse!

I am lower than I have ever been,
but shall change with the bare trees
and falling leaves.
Questioning
it all
over
again.

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August 29, 2007

by neverisapromise

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161	90.9% (44 votes)	27.0%

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16	F	Palm Desert, CA	November 29

Thank you for at least not taking every line so literally. Some girl thought I had like lukemia or something, but you seemed to grasp most of the poem. Typing the last two paragraphs into your review, since you didn’t review those, was a little unnecessary though. It set me back on a lot of credits. But thanks for your review :D

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Good style, use of words. I don’t know if you’re fifteen, but if you are that age – keep writing. Mastering the use the the language is key, I’d say you’re on your merry way. This could be a test to see how someone would review this thinking it was scripted by a teenager. That right there shows you enough. Missing pores.

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August 28, 2007

by neverisapromise

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161	90.9% (44 votes)	27.0%

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16	F	Palm Desert, CA	November 29

No, I really am fifteen. I promise.

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There is something unexplicably sad about your work. And it’s really hard to trace it. Who is it acting as if it was worse? I couldn’t understand your point on this piece.

This poem is energetic, but watch cliches and -ing endings. I felt a movement when reading it. But then I realized that you are only 15. I loved the line “I’m not equipped to walk in high heels” great line! keep writing!

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August 28, 2007

by neverisapromise

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
161	90.9% (44 votes)	27.0%

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16	F	Palm Desert, CA	November 29

Umm…would you mind pointing out my supposed “cliches.” And what exactly do you mean by “-ing endings?”

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what insight you have into this awful illness and so very young but i have to say very poetically written nice job.
this line brought tears to my eyes.
But I was bleeding from my missing pores
one thing what is desiredes i looked this word up in the dictionary and could not find it.  

...darnies. That poem is pretty deep. I say that the poem’s message applies to many people around the world by reinforcing what they do, and since it’s easy to understand, it’s a really good poem made for all ages. Well done.
(Is this you Jade?)