Poetry / My muse, the armed robber rapist

I sit here wiping blood
off my hands, onto the screen.
It was only a dream of faraway lands.
I shudder awake
like someone watching me sleep.
Only the droning on
in tearless monotone,
a toll booth operator for the dead
and I missed my exit
wound through his back.
On my hands
elbow deep in red,
the fear in his eyes
like the crimson sunset before me.
Even this rapist learned to value life
as it pumps and eddies
down the side of the road
in a rattling karmic finality.

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the_girl_in_the_shadows avatar General Friend

November 27, 2007

the_girl_in_the_shadows

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the_girl_in_the_shadows reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Overall I think this is a very strong piece, but it needs some minor editing and polishing.  
Your central metaphor is a strong one, something to which many writers could relate. It is made clear primarily by the title, although there are gestures towards it in the rest of the poem. The rapist-armed robber side of the metaphor is very developed in the poem, but the muse side could stand to be developed a little bit more so that the structure of the comparison becomes more visible.
The strongest part of the poem is your opening 2 lines, an image that could take on a more central role in the poem, but it becomes disconnected when you are suddenly sleeping and shuddering awake. I think I would delete “it was only a dream of faraway lands,” as it is pretty cliche.
The line “like someone watching me sleep” could be rewritten—it is slightly awkward grammatically. It would sound better if you said “as if someone was watching me sleep” or similar—“like” is a little bit awkward because it implies a simile, which this is not. And I would add “was” or “is” because as it is, you are comparing yourself to the person watching you sleep. “I missed my exit” reminds one of driving on the highway, but you switch this to “exit wounds”... clever play, but the line break makes it a little choppy.  Because missing the exit can stand on its own, and because it is so relatable (almost cliche) it would be stronger to move “wounds” to the line with “exit” so the reader does not get stopped up on this.
Overall, it has a lot of potential and I look forward to seeing where you go with it. Good luck!

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mpotavin avatar

mpotavin

Age: 34
Loc: Phoenix, AZ
Gen: M
Last Login: December 31
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