It’s about a breast reduction surgery, if I’m not mistaken.
Poetry / Half (Analysis)
Like the groove in a pulley her shoulders are worn,
She wants to be noticed for her granite eyes,
her Maui smile, and her ability to laugh.
She desires to reduce what others increase
her fears of disappointment by taking away his trophy
are climbing like the profit on an Exxon graph
she enters the white room in nothing but a cloth
a cold chill makes the headlights shine bright
the butcher is wearing a grin as he tends to his staff
he shows up late worried and full of love
the words he constructs are full of fear and excitement
she says don’t worry they will feel just the same, well maybe half
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KatieDub226 reviewed Version 1 -
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willowscry reviewed Version 1 -
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now that is beautiful….I like it and your wife is very lucky.
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Faryn reviewed Version 1 -
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puresteel reviewed Version 1 -
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this is on the right track towards becoming a solid poem. the issues i have with it in its current form are that the lines are a little too statement-y…you need to work on making the lines flow together so that there is a continuous theme--at this point its a bit on the choppy side. i enjoy the first line immensely, although i would prefer that you not begin the poem with a simile…try “her shoulders are worn like a…” or “the groove in her shoulders is worn…” i think it would be great to see all the ideas of this poem--some of which are quite artistic—get flayed open a little bit so that the real meat and marrow of what you’re trying to say is exposed. you’ve got a butcher; don’t be afraid to hack into it.:) cheers.
LadyMactans reviewed Version 1 -
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Haha! Nice. Definitely an original subject matter. There are some issues with punctuation, especially in the second stanza. It was awkward to read and I wasn’t sure exactly where the pauses were until I read it a couple times. The wording of line 5 on its own is awkward in itself, too. I’m not sure how I feel about the Exxon graph part, it seems to be addressing something completely unrelated-I realize it’s a metaphor but it still seems unnecessary, I may suggest something more simple. I love the last line, it’s very nicely put and I like the tone and the characterization of the “she.” My only suggestion there is, again, more organized punctuation. This does need some cleaning up, but as a whole I very much enjoyed it. Good draft.
kelliott reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a grand use of metaphor, I really like this poem, the title is very fitting yet still gives very little away as to the context. I am still trying to figure out the real context though I believe it to be sexual in nature. If so I think you really have a masters talent in poetry writing.
Keep it going.
linzhitchens reviewed Version 1 -
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i really enjoyed the style of writting you have here, i have no sense for periods or commas and tend to leave them out. hahah. your poem was good and i like the vibe i got from it. The way she feels, it makes me relate
GraceWithInk reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice! Sexy and subtle, and very loving. Wonderful imagery, clever wordplay…
I hope she knows how much you love her.
jayne reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was well writen, would like to read more.
originofshowbiz reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem sounds nice and reads well…I just don’t really understand what it’s about, but maybe that’s my fault!
I think going over it again with proper punctuation would help. The first stanza is great, but then you let it slip with the others.
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