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Romance / Timetravel Romance (Untitled) Prologue
Prologue
“How are you enjoying your birthday celebration?” Gannon Marsdon asked his little sister as he escorted her through the ballroom doors that led out onto the moon-and-lantern-lit gardens outside their home. Most of the guests had already begun to filter outside in anticipation of the last entertainment of the evening, which now remained secret only to the guest of honor.
“There are a lot of people I do not know,” Bella whispered uneasily as she was wont to do on such occasions. “But it is a lovely party. Thank you, Gannon.”
He flashed his sister a sympathetic glance. It was all a little too much. There had to be more than a hundred people stuffed into their garden, the gentlemen in their black evening attire and the women in brightly colored evening gowns that mimicked the colors of the lanterns strung all through the grounds. “I tried to tell aunt Lucretia that you would prefer something more intimate, but she insisted that a sixteenth birthday required something more ‘befitting of a well-bred young lady’.”
Bella giggled at her brother’s impression of their aunt’s nasally warble. “I believe she is using the occasion for your benefit rather than mine. Every marriageable young woman in town is here this evening.”
“No doubt about it.” Gannon said dryly as he led her to a stone bench near the statue of Athena. Once she and her voluminous skirts were arranged comfortably on the bench, he signaled to their butler, Waldorf, who was stationed nearby, to begin.
Bella did not fail to notice the exchange. “What are you two about?” she asked suspiciously when Waldorf ambled off through the floral arch marking the entrance into the maze at the rear of the garden and disappeared.
“Shh.” Gannon said, putting a finger to his lips. “’Tis a surprise. You will have to wait and see.”
“Another surprise?” Bella breathed in disbelieving delight. “But you already surprised me with this lovely necklace!” Her hand came to her throat to toy with the bow shaped pendant she had just received no more than an hour before, encrusted with tiny, sparkling diamonds.
“I wanted to be sure there would be something about this atrocity of a party that you would truly enjoy.” Gannon said as he sat down beside her, keeping his voice low for the benefit of Lucretia, who stood nearby chattering with a swarm of other ladies of advanced age.
Beaming, Bella squeezed his arm as her eyes darted about the grounds, clearly trying to figure out what he was up to.
Suddenly, a deafening boom sounded, causing Bella to gasp along with many of the other guests as a bright beam of gold streaked up into the sky. It soon exploded into a shower of color and sparkle. The crowd murmured their approval with murmurs of awe.
“Firecrackers!” she squealed in delight, squeezing her brother’s arm just as another streamed into the sky, this time exploding into a star of green and violet. “Oh, thank you!”
Gannon grinned, pleased with himself for the idea. A footman approached with a tray of champagne. He took two glasses of the bubbling liquid and offered one to his sister, but she was too enraptured by the entertainment to notice. He shrugged and set the extra glass onto the bench next to him, settling in to watch the festivities.
“Waldorf is setting all of these off?” she asked during a lull.
“No. I hired two men from the city. Wouldn’t want to risk old Wally blowing his arm off.”
Bella wrinkled her nose. “What a dreadful thing to say!”
Three more of explosions went off in rapid succession.
“Ooh, pink!” she cried her approval, clapping her hands.
“I’m glad you are enjoying yourself.” Gannon commented, over the rim of his glass.
Suddenly, she turned away from the display for the first time to look at him. A worrisome look came over her pretty features. She opened her mouth to speak, but had to wait when another boom sounded. “The men you hired, they are setting off the fireworks from the back of the maze, are they not?”
“Yes. What of it?”
“What if they find the little door? You know people cannot resist trying to open it once discovered.”
Gannon laid a reassuring hand on her arm. “Waldorf oversaw them as they set up this afternoon and they are far too busy now to be bothered with anything else,” he said, pausing as another rocket popped off, “Our secret is safe. Besides, I have the key,” he added, tapping his pocket.
She seemed put to ease by that, and once again turned her attention back to the entertainment, which was now building toward its conclusion. Four more streams shot up into the sky almost instantaneously, and just as they burst into showers of red, three more came up to join them, this time in shades of blue. One after another, they continued to go off in a relentless barrage of color and light, the likes of which Gannon, and likely none of the other guests had ever seen.
Money well spent, he thought as his ears and eyes were overtaken with the spectacle.
The sky was now so bright it could have been daytime, the faces of the awed guests illuminated with an otherworldly and ever-changing glow. Surely the party would be the talk of the town in the morning. Something that would please even Lucretia, he thought, who was now standing smugly among several of the partygoers near the entrance to the maze as if it had been her own idea. But Gannon could hardly care if their aunt took all the credit. This evening had not been planned to impress their new neighbors, but as the celebration of a milestone, a milestone that many had thought his beloved sister would never reach.
Bella’s fingers tightened on his arm as another group of fireworks shot toward the sky. Thinking she had been startled, he patted her hand reassuringly. But when her grip tightened further, her little fingers digging into his forearm painfully, he frowned. “Bella, that…” whatever words he had intended to say died on his lips when he looked at her and saw the strange expression on her face, her mouth agape and her eyes seeming to roll back in her head just as she began to slump off the side of the bench.
Gannon reached for her, but it was too late. She fell to the grass in a puddle of silk and lace.
But the worst was yet to come. By the time he had dropped to his knees beside her, she had begun convulsing.
“Bella!” he bellowed, his words lost to the thunder of the fireworks as he scooped her into his arms.
She began to shudder more violently now, causing the pins in her honey-blonde hair to loosen. Her blue eyes were half open and glazed, unseeing. His heart began to pound in his chest, helpless to stop whatever had taken over her little body.
What was happening to her?
“Waldorf!” he bellowed, his eyes darting wildly through the crowd who seemed oblivious to the even more unbelievable spectacle going on behind them. “Waldorf!”
Just then, one more enormous blast lit the sky in shades of gold and silver, illuminating his sister’s now deathly pale face.
Then silence.
“Somebody help!” Gannon shouted at the top if his voice, but his words were lost among the applause that began to erupt around them. He pulled Bella tightly to his chest, as if his strength and will alone had the power to stop the violent shudders. Her head lolled back on his shoulder. “Help us!”
Someone appeared at his side, though Gannon could not say who. The man knelt beside them. “Good god! What is happening to her?”
“Summon the doctor!” Gannon barked. When the man did not move quickly enough for his liking, he reached out and shoved the man away. “Go!”
By now, the rest of the crowd had found their way over, the women gasping in horror and the men murmuring their curiosity, but to Gannon, it might have just the two of them, for there was no help in their presence.
He was losing her. He could feel it, could feel her slipping away. Though he was not a religious man, he found himself murmuring a prayer.
Her young life could not end this way, not on this day, for if it did, he knew in his very marrow that it would be the end of him as well.
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I’m champing at the bit!! Does she die? Does he save her? Humph!
I really liked your story and I love the way you told it. I love the dialogue between the brother and sister. You have managed to portray the two of them in such a loving way that it’s almost unbelieveable. My 18 year old son would NEVER be that nice to my 16 year old daughter. Nor would he buy her a necklace and fireworks for her birthday. More like a card that he forgets to sign and not much else!
I found some grammar issues. I saw that you made the same mistake (in my opinion) many times throughout the story. Maybe it’s your writing style and it’s actually my mistake. I’ll point out a few and you be the judge:
”...hundred people stuffed into their garden, the gentlemen in their black…” I think that should be a semicolon instead of a comma, or, better yet, a new sentence altogether. ”...into their garden. The gentlemen…” I’m not sure, I just don’t like the comma.
““No doubt about it.” Gannon said dryly as he led her to a stone bench…” I think, “No doubt about it,” Gannon said dryly and led her…” is better. There should be a comma after “it”. This is the ‘mistake’ I spoke of earlier that I saw several times throughout.
”...party that you would truly enjoy.” Gannon said” Again, a comma after ‘enjoy’.
These next two sentences are a little unnatural to me. Too much repition within the sentence:
”...celebration of a milestone, a milestone that many…”
I think it should read, ”...celebration of a milestone tht many…”
”...He could feel it, could feel her slipping away…”
I think it should read, “He could feel her slipping…”
And last but not least…
“Her young life could not end this way, not on this day, for if it did, he knew…” Too many commas and the subject changes too much. It’s saying, “She can’t die like this… not today… cuz if she does… he knows…” I’d suggest breaking that in to two sentences somehow.
OK then. Now that I’ve butchered it totally…
I’m not an English major (or minor for that fact). Never been published and never edited a thing. I’m just a reader with some ideas. Take them or leave them.
The story is great though! I can’t wait to read the next installment to see if she dies and what that little door hides. Let me know when you post it!
Keep it up. You’ve got great writing potential!
Sharon
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• “How are you enjoying your birthday celebration?” Gannon Marsdon asked his little sister as he escorted her through the ballroom doors that led out onto the moon-and-lantern-lit gardens outside their home.
So, you have seven words spoken by the character and twenty-six from the author. What’s wrong with this picture?
The dialog asks a simple question, but the line after it concerns the protagonist’s name, his relationship to the one being addressed, where they are, what they’re doing, what time of day it is, and the source of illumination.
That’s not a sentence, it’s a fruitcake. ;-)
• Most of the guests had already begun to filter outside in anticipation of the last entertainment of the evening, which now remained secret only to the guest of honor.
And now, with the question abut enjoying the party still unanswered, you shout, “Cut,” freeze the poor actors in place with the girl’s response on her lips, and run, as yourself, onto the stage to say, “Okay, hold everything. I need to tell the audience a little about the situation, so they’ll understand the story.”
Were you to watch a play in which this happened—and keeps happening—would you be able to make the leap of logic that allows you to accept the play as real? Or would you be shouting, “Shut the hell up and let the damn actors show me all that through conversation and behavior?”
I’m sure you’re going to, at least, get complaints from the actors union.
In your life you have no explainer who can read your mind, and who knows your life’s history. Certainly, were such a person to appear and begin to address an invisible audience, you would ask them what’s going on. The fact that your characters dutifully shut up and wait, then go on as if nothing happened will kill all feeling of realism. Obviously, they’re reading from a script, not reacting to real-world happenings as their personality and the situation dictate.
So how do you make your story real to the reader? You first abandon the fact-based techniques of the non-fiction writer that you were taught in school, and replace them with the emotion-based storytelling of the fiction writer. That’s going to require some significant study, because writing professionally isn’t something you can do simply because you’ve taken twelve years of English classes and a freshman creative writing course. It’s a profession, as complex as any other, and just as filled with specialized—and necessary—technique.
There are many sources of the information you need, from courses and workshops to books written by teachers and authors. My personal recommendation is that you visit Amazon.com and do a search for Dwight Swain’s Techniques of the Selling Author. Swain was both a highly popular author and, arguably, the best writing teacher of his generation. His approach, that of isolating the elements of well written fiction and explaining both the necessity and means of achieving each element, is easy to follow and will have you wondering why you didn’t see it for yourself.
You may also want to make a stop in the Urbis forum, under tips and tricks, where I have an article that explains why you can’t use the techniques you learned in school, plus one which gives some generalized hints for the new fiction writer.
Hope this helps.
Jay
At first it had the sense of being set around the time of ‘The Age Of Innocence’, but then as I read on it had more of the feel of a ‘Great Gatsby’ era piece. Once this era was settled in my head it was much easier to picture the images. You managed to great some lovely pictures, with the descriptions of clothing and setting, but I would have liked a little more work on the character of Gannon. I found it a little harder to imagine him, as your descriptions were a little vague in comparison to Bella.
A good prologue that made me want to read more, just needs a little more fleshing out if you’re intending it as a larger piece.
This flows really well and I like the characterisation, not only of the two central to your main theme but of Waldorf the Butler as well.
I also liked the way you painted the scene through the fireworks illumination and the cutting between Gannon’s words and toughts.
As you have said I think it needs to be clearer which time period we are observing, but you already know all that. So with that in mind I think this is really solid, and a good start to a novel.
cheers,
Andrew
there is a lot i liked reading about this. you always accompanied the dialogue with an action which makes the dialogue more believable and created a better picture in my mind. in the middle of the chapter, you slipped in a mention about the door, just brief enough to whet the readers appetite and make them curious. the ending was also quite unexpected and moving.
all in all it was very good to read and i look forward to the next chapter.
I absolutely loved this. You made the characters believable. I love the fact that the main character isn’t a woman like most romance novels do and it is taking it from the man’s perspective, or so far it seems. This blew me away and I can’t wait to see what else you have waiting to be written down. What is behind the door that Bella was so worried about no one entering? What is going to happen to Bella? What kind of sickness does she have? Is their aunt cruel or just an old bitty? You left me with a lot of questions but I think that is a good thing to do in your Prologue. The was remarkable and I can’t wait to read more. I know this will get published and I am definitely going to buy the book. Good luck and keep up the good work.
This is absolutely amazing. I think that you have something really good going here and you totally have to show some more. I will become forevered devoted to the makings of this book if you plan on continuing. I really want to know what happens now. And the prolouge was amazing. I seriously loved it. My boyfriend would appreciate this too, and he’s all about the romance novels. Anyway, please continue writing and let me know when you get some more going. Have a great day!! Oh, and I think that the Victorian age is perfect for this, since you said something about well-to-do families and ball gowns. _
Overall, I think this is a very well written piece. But as a stand alone piece, it leaves me feeling like there is something missing… especially after your brief mention of the small door at the back of the maze. Perhaps more time could be spent on this aspect of the story… or maybe not even mention it at all if there is nothing more to it. You definitely have a talent that is worth shaping.
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