Young Adult / Memoirs of a Black Mumba - Chapter 1 - First Blood
I was in my kitchen when the call came through. An underground mob was ready to make a drop off in Melbourne. Well known to many, the Romanos instilled fear in the hearts of those who crossed their path.
An agent, one of our own, had infiltrated their command and was working her way to the drop off meeting. Agent Alpha Kilo was well versed in the art of search and destroy, a stunning fashionista who feared nothing, although we all knew she had a soft spot for Mickey Romano, the youngest of the mob bosses. She was my bestfriend and partner and i knew men were her biggest weakness. Everything was going according to plan in Melbourne for Alpha and i had the night off in Sydney so I called my new love interest, Arthur, and arranged a relaxing night of latte’s and chit chat.
Although he was initially mesmerised by me, Arthur seemed to be growing more and more distant as the weeks passed. I must admit he wasn’t the best conversationalist, as his favorite topic was himself and the latest episode of Footballers Wives. But he was the type of guy who could carry a relationship quite easily on his own – as long as you gave him sultry eyes and agreed with everything he said – which i was happy to do. Unfortunately i hadn’t given him enough time lately and my long work hours had left me a bit emotional so i was really looking forward to making it up to him tonight.
I put on my favorite black suit, jumped in my car and headed for the best coffee spot known to agents – any place in the Italian Forum. Not only do they serve coffee outdoors but the unique architecture if the building doesn’t allow for even the most hi-tech tracking and monitoring devices to zero in on you once you’re in the piazza. An open air coffee was a luxury i couldn’t afford but here i could have as many as i wanted.
Out of habit i counted the vehicles in my rearview by colour. Black, red, red white, blue. I was ten minutes away and right on schedule. Black, red, white. And i looked good. Blue, red, silver, silver. I turned off the main road. Red, silver. I was being tracked by an agency vehicle. I knew the car well having driven it myself a number of times. Why was i the one being tracked when all eyes should have been in Melbourne? I didn’t have the time or the patience to deal with work tonight. Arthur would be waiting. Tonight was our kiss-and-make-up night and i didn’t want anything to spoil it. Arthur didn’t know what i did for work and i was happy to keep it that way. He was easily bored by anything that didn’t directly involve himself so it wasn’t a big deal and besides it was organisation policy that they would decide when and if i should tell him.
The two figures in the red VW behind me slowed down to widen their distance from my car. They were up to something but i wasn’t worried. I knew who they were. I called in Agent Delta Bravo and requested my radio equipment and a driver for my car. I didn’t want to come back to it tonight. They knew exactly where i was going and i didn’t like the thought of leaving them around my unattended vehicle. You never can tell when this organisation will turn on you – and i won’t take any chances – or prisoners for that matter.
I dropped my car off a block away and headed in the direction of the Forum. Sure enough Arthur was anxiously waiting so i smoothed the mood with a little smile and shy kiss on the cheek. Arthur was happy to see me but i could sense he was still quite stand off-ish and a little irritated by the simple decision of whether we should sit inside or outside the cafe. I steered him to the outdoor section taking a seat facing the piazza.
As i was placing my order i noticed Agent Lima Tango and Agent Lima Golf in the distance. If there was a chance my cover would be blown tonight, i would prefer if Arthur at least had some idea of what was going on. So if i had to move, i could move fast without him hanging around. I explained to him that i thought i was being followed by two women and pointed them out across the courtyard. Arthur scoffed and didn’t ask many questions. I could tell he thought i was Miss Ditzy with a vivid imagination. “Why would they want to follow you?” he asked rolling his eyes. God he could ask some ridiculous questions sometimes. “I don’t really know Arthur, all i know is that i’ve seen them before and I think they’re following me for some reason” I knew I was starting to sound silly but the less he knew, the better. He changed the topic to the weather.
The mood changed ten minutes later when the same two agents took a table adjacent to ours. Arthur suddenly became agitated as he was the first to spot them. “Those girls are sitting behind you!” he choked. Hiding my smirk i remarked “Yes, i thought they’d show up sooner or later”. At least he was starting to catch on. “Just take it easy darling” i continued, “I guess we’ll find out what they want after all”.
I relaxed a little. There’s nothing like a bit of cat and mouse to spice up an evening. The Agents were sipping away at their coffee, not stealing any glaces in our direction. Arthur was quite alert though and his eyes were glued to them. I must admit i did find it all rather amusing. The night was young and i was sure there was going to be a very interesting explanation for this charade. Lima and Lima weren’t my favorite people, in all honesty i couldn’t stand them. Having been on only one job with them, the word discrete wasn’t in their vocabulary and they were reckless as hell.
When Lima Tango approached our table and slipped me a piece of paper, Arthur looked on in stunned disbelief. I was surprised at this new level of bluntness which i didn’t think even they could stoop to. Actually, sending up a flare would probably have been less obvious – but anyhow. Things were starting to get a bit rocky. I read the note impassively “The Romanos are on the move”. It didn’t make sense? The drop off was in Melbourne, everything was going according to plan. I looked at Arthur. His mouth was still hanging open. I think he was still trying to form a word.
“Madeline” he blurted “Your friend Katerina is very jealous of you”. I was stunned by the outburst. Surely his brain hasn’t gone into shock. “What in the world are you saying Arthur and what does she have to do with anything?” I knew he was referring to Alpha Kilo. She had answered my phone once while i was in the bathroom and they spoke briefly. He continued “All i’m saying is maybe she has something to do with those girls because she’s very jealous of you”. It was an interesting concept and it was also quite obvious that Arthur knew more than he was letting on so i took an opposite stance in order to bait him. “My darling you don’t know what you’re talking about, why would Katrina care what i’m doing tonight? She’s in Melbourne right now” He moved uncomfortably in his seat and shrugged. He was definately keeping something from me.
It was then that the British beauty Agent Delta Bravo decided to make her entrance and sat at our table using her usual cheerful greeting ”’Ello Codgers!”. Poor Arthur was incredulous. “What the hell is going on?” squeaked Arthur. I guess the fact that the four of us were in organisation mandatory black attire wasn’t helping the situation. “I’m sorry darling” i said, “I completely forgot to tell you that Maria was coming. She had a couple of things i needed for work tomorrow”. I reached over and grabbed his hand. Smiling sweetly i said “Maria this is my boyfriend Arthur”. At this, a look of pleasant surprise spread across his face and Maria took this opportunity to distract him with a bit of conversation while she slipped me a utility pouch under the table. “So this is the famous Arthur i’ve been hearing about? Aren’t you a sporting lad!” purred Maria.
While she chatted to Arthur i discretely checked the pouch. Radio earpiece, Siglite night sight, Sattel phone and a P229 Sig Pistol with lasergrip. Nice. She sure came prepared for some hard work tonight. I put on the earpiece eager to learn the mission status. Listening carefully i discovered “Team Four and Five requested at Sector M private hangar, ETA of Romano One and Two approximately 30 minutes, Alpha Kilo with target and is engaging plan B”. I looked at Delta Bravo and she nodded. As half of the famous Bad Boys duo once said “The shit just got real”. It was time to go.
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I’m uncertain if this premise works for me or not. You have a woman involved as an agent, who is trying to keep her current boyfriend interested. The technical jargon she uses seems like something out of Mission impossible, but perhaps that may be appropriate. I’m going to wait and see how the 2nd chapter goes before I make any real judgement call on this. It’s definetely something different and perhaps originality is something needed once in awhile. I didn’t see any typos or anything that stood out to me being awkward in the text. Let me know when you’ve posted something new.
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• An agent, one of our own, had infiltrated their command and was working her way to the drop off meeting. Katrina, codenamed Agent Alpha Kilo, was well versed in the art of search and destroy.
The first paragraph/page/chapter is the single most important in the story because the reader is with you only because of mild curiousity. So this is where you begin to change curiosity to interest by making the reader feel an emotion connection to the story and the people in it.
So here’s the question: A history book has lots of people and events in it. It has war, passion, murder, etc. In fact it has everything a good novel has. So why aren’t people happy to read biographies and history books? Why don’t they feel a sense of excitement? And how is your story, other then being fiction, any different than a recounting of history, so far as drawing the reader in?
After all, you, like a history book, recount a series of events, speaking as a dispassionate observer (yes, you’re telling in first person, but as an external narrator relating a first person biography. You, like they, detail the happenings without making the reader feel as if they were the character, or with the character.
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
Beginning to see the problem? Your first paragraph, and in fact the entire piece, is a history, not a novel, so it’s not more exciting than a textbook. It presents a list of facts, but not the emotional connection of those facts to the character. It lists the events in the story, but the decision-making process of the character is missing, so we see a synopsis rather then a breathing character. To quote a few perceptive authors:
A character, to be acceptable as more than a chess piece, has to be ignorant of the future, unsure about the past, and not at all sure of what he is supposed to be doing.
-Anthony Burgess
Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader, not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow
In sum, if you want to improve your chances of publication, keep your story visible on stage and yourself mum.
~ Sol Stein
And one final, but critical quote:
There’s no such thing as a born writer. It’s a skill you’ve got to learn, just like learning how to be a bricklayer or a carpenter.
~ Larry Brown
So here’s the problem: They didn’t teach you to write fiction in school, they taught you non-fiction, and that’s what people use to write a history book.
In fact, they never even told you that there’s an entire body of craft dedicated to the emotion-based techniques of writing fiction—mostly because the teachers aren’t aware it exists. It’s not that it’s a secret, it’s that no one ever told them. The people who plan the lessons aren’t fiction writers, in general, but they learned their writing technique in the same place you did.
So what do you do? Well, to find out the whys of your situation jump over to the Urbis forum, and tips and tricks, where I have an article on being ready for publication. There’s also an article of hints for the new writer that people have told me is helpful.
But to cure the problem you need to do some study, to replace your existing techniques with those of the fiction writer. Your library will help, but the best book on it that I’ve found is Techniques of the Selling Writer, by Dwight Swain, which you can find at Amazon.com.
Hope this helps.
i like it. there are a couple of things that i got a bit confused on, particularly the code names. they were all very similar and i had to keep re-reading to remind myself who was who.
i thought that the story ran very smoothly. it gave the reader just a taste of what was actually going on beyond the date.
i hope that you put the second chapter on soon. i would very much like to read it.
I liked a lot of things about this piece. I like your easy way of writing, a style that I am fond of. While I Know this is a first draft, typos abound, things that program like microsoft word with automatic spell-ckeck would have eliminated. As a writer, if you are not using a prgram like this, you need to. Spell-check IS YOUR FRIEND!!!
Here are some specific errors:
She was my bestfriend (best friend)and partner and i (I) knew men were her biggest weakness. (Most of your “I”s are not capitalized)
Everything was going according to plan in Melbourne for Alpha and i had the night off in Sydney so I called my new love interest, Arthur, and arranged a relaxing night of latte’s and chit chat.
He was easily bored by anything that didn’t directly involve himself so it wasn’t a big deal and besides it was organisation policy that they would decide when and if i should tell him.
The previous two sentences are major run-ons. Either add commas, or where that is not appropriate, seperate into two or more sentences. The bast way to know where to use a comma is to SAY the whole sentence aloud to yourself. Wherever you naturally pause, that is a pretty safe bet there should be a comma. And vice versa – no puase, no comma.
Black, red, red (,) white, blue.
And i looked good. Blue, red, silver, silver. I turned off the main road. Red, silver. I was being tracked by an agency vehicle. (I liked this section. It shows that she is always watching her own back, but it is so automatic to her that this flows seamlessly with her regular thoughts. Great job here.)
Arthur was happy to see me but i could sense he was still quite stand off-ish
(Where is the dialogue here? Ther’s gotta be something. Show, not tell. Don’t just skim over here.)
Actually, sending up a flare would probably have been less obvious – but anyhow. (But anyhow is a phrase that you COULD use in dialogue, but I wouldn’t nessicarily advise it. However, I would never use that slang phrase in exposition like you did. It makes for an awkward and incomplete sentence.)
It didn’t make sense? (this is not a question. It is a statement/thought.)
Overall, I thought it was a good read and has major potential. I like that Arthur is in the dark about her profession, and the incorrect conclusion he comes to. My main worries with this is that we do not see the main character’s name until one of the last paragraphs. While I know you mean for things to be a mystery because it fits with the story, some things, like your main character’s names should not be – unless they are a villian or someone the main character does not yet know who it is.)
Also, is there going to be an intro or prologue? If not, you are going to need to add a little more info at the beginning, because right now you just launch right in, and the reader has no idea at all where they are at. Like playing a game without knowing the rules.
All in all, a good read, Keep plugging along. You have tons of potential.
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