Thanks, fiction. I appreciatye the feedback. Most of my dialogue is a lot snappier, but there’s a lot of exposition in this part. Had to go somewhere. :)
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Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Hush, Little Baby - Part 2
We took a booth at the Runcible, a greasy spoon that specialized in runny eggs and burnt toast. I ordered coffee; Dolly had porridge with a Drury Lane muffin on the side. She tucked into the food while I smoked, waiting for the story.
She used the last bite of the muffin to clean the remains of the porridge from the bowl, then bummed my last cigarette. She didn’t say anything for a minute, just sat and looked out at the rain sweeping the streets.
“He was a good guy, Chesh,” she said with no preamble. I made a non-committal sound.
“You don’t have to snort like that.”
Okay – maybe it wasn’t so non-committal. “Sorry, Doll. Go on.”
“Oh I know he wasn’t technically a ‘good guy,’ but he could be real sweet sometimes.”
“Tell that to the Pigs.” A while back, the Weasel had gotten into the Union business. The Pig brothers tried to get the other contractors to resist, so the Weasel sent in a “negotiator” to “reason with them.” Two of their jobs were destroyed, and the spiraling cost of materials bankrupted them by the time the next one was finished.
She arched an eyebrow at me. “You gonna let me finish? Or are you gonna do exposition all night?”
“Sorry.” I motioned to the waiter for a refill.
“Anyways. That was business. He was different after hours. He’d take me dancing; bought me presents. Said I was his girl. It was real good for a while.”
“So what happened?” I sipped my coffee, ignoring my assistant, who was waving happily at me from across the street.
“He got real edgy – short-tempered, suspicious. He started staying at home more, and wouldn’t let me come over. We didn’t go out much then, but even when we did, he spent most of the time looking over his shoulder and not talking to me.”
“He ever say anything specific about it?”
“Not really. I got the impression that he got something in the mail that set him off.”
“Do you have a key to his place?”
“Yes.” Her eyes widened a little bit. “You’re not going over there, are you?”
My tail twitched. “It would be hard to solve the case from this booth, Doll.”
“But I can’t show up there! They’ll be looking for me!”
“Why are you so certain that you’re a suspect?” Sure, I knew she was, but I wanted to hear her reasoning.
She looked down at her empty bowl and took a shuddering breath. She spoke in a small voice. “It was me that brought him out, Chesh. He didn’t wanna leave, but I made him. I told him that if he didn’t take me out, I wasn’t gonna be his girl any more.’ She twisted her napkin around her fingers, and when she looked up again, tears spilled down her cheeks. “It’s my fault. If I hadn’t of insisted, he’d still be alive. Now everyone’s gonna think I set him up.”
She was right, they would. “That’s nonsense,” I said. “Anyone can see that you were crazy about him. How did it happen?”
“He said that if we went out, it’d haveta be the Mulberry Bush. I guess he felt safest there since he owned the place.”
“Makes sense,” I said. “On the other hand, whoever was after him would know that, too.”
“Yeah. I know that…now.” She wiped away a tear or two. “I didn’t even think of that. I was just being selfish.”
“It’s okay, kid. So you two got there, then what?”
“No.”
“No?”
“We didn’t get there together. He told me to meet him there. At his office.”
“Okay. What time did you talk to him?”
“One o’clock.”
“You sound pretty certain of that.”
“While I was on the phone, the exterminator knocked over my clock. It struck one right before the crash, and hasn’t worked sense. Stupid mouse ran down and got away, too.”
“All right. What time did you get to the club?”
“Around six-thirty.”
“And then what?”
“I walked into his office, and…he was…he…” she dissolved again.
“On the floor?” I suggested. She shook her head. “On the chaise? Out the window? Gasping and choking from a poisoned martini? Suspended from a noose tied to the ceiling fan? Dismembered with pieces sticking out of the filing cabinet?” She was really bawling now. Geez. Ask a simple question. Dames. Go figure.
While she tried to get herself under control again, I stepped out to a newsstand to get another pack of cigarettes. I looked around for my assistant, but didn’t see him. By the time I reentered the diner, Dolly had composed herself once more.
“He was sitting at his desk,” she said. “He looked perfectly normal, not counting the bullet hole in his suit jacket and, I’m assuming, his heart.”
I refrained from the obvious crack about the Weasel not having a heart because I’m sensitive. “What did you do?”
“I tried to wake him up. It was stupid, I know, but I wasn’t thinking. He had a piece of paper in his hand. I grabbed it and got out of there. I went home and started packing, but then I remembered you.”
“You still have the paper?” She nodded. “Let’s see it.” She dug the scrap out of her purse and handed it over. It appeared to be a list, but it was pretty badly smudged from where it had been gripped so tightly. I could only make out the first item:
horse and cart
“Does this mean anything to you?”
“No. I have no idea.”
“Then it looks like I’ll be making that house call after all. Come on, Doll. I’ll get you back to my office, and you can try and get some rest.”
“Thanks.”
“Sure thing, kid. Oh. If my assistant shows up, ignore him.”
“You still hanging around with that rabbit?”
“Or he’s hanging around with me. If you don’t answer the door, he’ll eventually go away.”
“Okay.” She shivered in her coat. “Thanks again, Chesh.”
“You bet.”
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hellbunny reviewed Version 2 -
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I just read the reviewer’s notes, and if the story is half as good, I’m in for a real treat.
I was right. The story is half as good. I like twisted tales because they are fun, as was this one. The dialogue was witty, but I think you could have beefed up the farce a bit more without getting excessive. Also, the narration was weak; you need more of it to break up the dialogue a little more.
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fiction84 reviewed Version 2 -
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i like the way you open with it
the specifics of the food and whatnot
gives great picture to the mind
the conversation piece was good
but i think that it would have made for something really interesting
if you kept it short and snippy
most conversation seems just
COOLER
that way
does that make any sense? feel free to take these credits back
it seems like a lot of people are doing that these days to me
i just love the holiday season
Lena17 reviewed Version 2 -
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Judging by version 1 and version 2, I didn’t really see any changes; why’d you post two? Also, I completely loved your witty ‘critics say’ in your author’s note! Shows that you yourself are a pretty witty, imaginative guy!
Well, what to say for chapter two: I notice your chapters are pretty short, more like scenes out of a movie, rather, than chapters. The dialogue does flow really quickly, making it all seem even shorter.
But the story as a whole is delightful either way! _
I especially loved the scene after Cheshire goes on with the many different ways Weasel could’ve been popped and Dolly just breaks down. I know that wasn’t meant to be funny, but your tone is so classically sarcastic, I can’t surpass a snicker!
Also, something about the way you had Cheshire ignoring his assistant out the window of the diner put a very vivid image in my head of a happy little bunny walking down the street, waving, completely devoid of any sense there’s been a murder; it’s a moment of sheer yet random giddyness amongst the dark mood you’ve set.
Also, I have to say this: the whole time I’m reading this, I keep hearing jazz music typical to old cheesy B&W murder mysteries serenading me through!! I really don’t know why, it’s just there!! I thought you’d find that funny!
Well, moving onto the next chapter; can’t wait to see how the story unfolds!
~JMB
MrBillShow reviewed Version 2 -
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I, too, found the “are you gonna do exposition all night” line a bit jarring. It sounded like something from a Zucker brothers film. While it did make me chuckle, it did seem out of place.
It seems to me that the humor in stories of this type lies in remaining as true to the crime thriller/private investigator genre as possible. Remain true to its conventions and people will unavoidably find the story amusing.
I would have liked to have seen a little more description of the scene to break up some of the dialog. I’m no fiction writer but perhaps balancing dialog with desriptive passage lends more suspense to each?
I’m liking this. I’m on to part 3.
AmyWalker reviewed Version 2 -
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I pick silly fun-ness lol. Oh and I gave you a 10 for that by the way lol
It was very cool stuff well I liked it anyways, it definitely held my interest all the way, just keep up the great work and keep writing.
You have awesome talent mate.
Amy
Evilfashionista reviewed Version 2 -
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I love the world you made in the piece. I love when an author takes charaters we already know and maybe love and change them completely. I also like how they have the whole 1950’s kind of speak it makes it all the more easier to really fall in love with this story. I recommend and one who loves fairy tales to read this story. I was laughing almost the whole time.
FreewordX reviewed Version 2 -
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I really enjoyed reading this story…Does this relate to a real life experience or is it all fiction?I am trying to write a short story myself and I would love for you to read it and give me your opinion. Please come check out some of my writtings Www.myspace.com/santaino. Thanks and please share more.
southernbaroque reviewed Version 2 -
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I found this story to be very entertaining and amusing, if not a little perverse. In a couple of places the dialgue was a little confusing because it lacked line breaks when a new character was speaking. Also, I would suggest doing the exposition in a new paragraph with italics, to make it more plain to the reader that the narrator is addressing him/her.
JF reviewed Version 2 -
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This was quite enjoyable to read. I felt like I was back in NY at a diner when I read the piece. Although it also reminded me of an old “Columbo” episode.
I’m not sure what your goals truly are, but this could be a good playright in my opinion because of the fun-silliness of the presentation. As well, the names you give your characters and the verbiage used in some of the descriptive copy, I definately get the “old mob” feel so I’m picturing fedora hats and double breasted blazers and the likes in a smoke filled diner where poor lighting and nickel table top juke boxes are the norm. Ah! the good old days!
Like I said, enjoyed it and see it as great stage material as opposed to a good read. A little too light to me for that but I think you are quite talented!
mr_grace reviewed Version 2 -
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Very silly but very cool. It’s like a behind-the fairy-tale peek at what really goes on in wonderland when nobody is looking. Very creative as well an clever. I like the little aside about the mouse getting away after the clock is knocked over. I think Dolly knows more than she’s saying.
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