Romance / An Unlikely Father (Scene One)
He hadn’t bothered to leave a note. There was no one to read it except for his cousin, and Christian would understand.
Hunter Caldwell was tired of this miserable, lonely existence otherwise known as his life. It was a chore just to see himself through the day; to wake up in the morning and drag himself out of bed, to ignore people’s gawking as he got his morning coffee at the convenience store, to withstand eight hours of drudgery each and every day with coworkers who wouldn’t look him in the eye. Once that was done all there was to look forward to was another frozen meal and an empty bed before waking up and doing it all over again.
No. He would not miss this life.
What he would miss was this – the damp coolness in the air, the feeling of the sand under his boots, the splash of the waves flooding against rocky shoreline, the dark, glistening pool of the lake at midnight. Hunter stopped at the water’s edge to svaor it all one last time. The stars twinkled, seeming to beckon him to come and join them. He wondered if he could, but pushed the thought away, a thought that only led him to wonder what would become of him once he left it all behind.
I won’t think of that… Just trust that anything is better than this.
A sudden cool rush dampened the toes of his boots and slowly sank down to his socks. He looked to the water to see another swell was coming in. It soon flooded the beach, rippled and ebbed, but ultimately receded; leaving a tiny, conical shaped shell behind. He looked at the tiny thing with interest, not able to remember the last time he had found anything like it on the shores of Lake Erie. He bent to retrieve the tiny item, a hollow place that some equally tiny being had once called home.
An empty shell. Small, forgotten, insignificant.
He rolled it between his thumb and forefinger, memorizing the ribbed texture before slipping it into his pocket.
As he walked along the beach, the wet sand sucked at his boots with each step, trying to pull them off his feet. Now, as he was about to leave it all behind, he found that he would even miss that annoying sensation. An inexplicable urge caused him to look back at that trail of footsteps behind them in the rocky sand. It would be his last mark on the world, a testament to where he had been. But soon enough they would be swept away as well. It would take just one more swell to erase the last shred of his existence.
The wind caught his hair and whipped it about, sending a tingle through his scalp. He closed his eyes and breathed the salt air in greedily as he walked along. His senses heightened, his ears picked up an eerie sound on the wind. He strained to make it out, but then it was gone. He continued along with a shrug, a sudden peace overtaking him.
He was ready.
The he heard it again, this time louder and higher pitched. Then again. An animal, maybe? His eyes darted and his heartbeat quickened as the sound became louder, more desperate. That sound was no animal. His pace hastened in the direction where he thought the screams to be coming from. As if to help him, the moon escaped from behind a cloud to illuminate the beach several yards down. He squinted. There was something by the water. A bundle.
The tide was coming in. Hunter began to jog toward the object, his footfalls slowed in the sand. The shrieking increased as if whatever it was knew the terrible fate that was about to befall it. Just as the water was about to sweep the bundle away, Hunter dove. Like sliding into home plate, in one smooth movement, he slid across the sand and scooped up the screaming bundle with outstretched arms. He hit the sand hard enough to knock the wind out of him just before being blasted by the icy water. Somehow he managed to keep the bundle elevated above the danger until he could get his bearings. He pulled the wriggling mass to his chest and rolled away from the water. The sudden movement only caused the wailing to intensify.
Stunned, it took Hunter a moment before he dared to look down at the scrunched features of the tiny, helpless baby in his arms.
Who could have done such a thing? He wondered as he carefully made it onto his feet. While he knew nothing of babies, it could have been little more than a few months old.
Where was its mother? His eyes darted along the beach and tree line wildly but found not a soul.
“Shhh… It’s okay…” he found himself murmuring. When he dared to touch the baby’s forehead, the cries calmed to whines, and then to hiccups. The child looked up at him with glittering eyes. Strnagely, there was no fear in this eyes, only questions. That was what stunned Hunter most of all.
The child felt like ice in the thin, damp blanket and was likely hungry. There was no way to know how long the baby had been out there, alone and frightened on the beach. Afraid of hurting the fragile being, he awkwardly pulled it more tightly to his chest and arranged his flannel shirt around him or her to block out the wind as he climbed the steep embankment back to his car, all the while expecting the mother to come out of nowhere and snatch the child back.
But no one ever came.
Once he arrived at his beat up old Chevelle, Hunter was unsure what do next. Didn’t babies ride in some sort of special contraption? He could hardly just plop the helpless infant on the seat. He would just have to hold it and drive with one hand. Not the safest way, but under the circumstances would have to do.
Resolved, he gingerly limbed into the car, careful not to bump the baby’s head on the steering wheel. As he did, he looked down to find the child sound asleep, a contented look on its tiny face.
Now what? The police station? The hospital? What if they thought he kidnapped the baby? The idea froze the blood in Hunter’s veins. He had just been trying to die. The prospect of life, let alone life in prison, was beyond unsettling.
Just go.
Panicked, Hunter turned the key in the ignition. The old Chevelle roared to life and and took off slowly under the gentle pressure of his foot on the gas pedal.
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This piece was very interestin, with only minimal ewrrors in my opinion. First off, some of the sentences are awkward. These are very simply caught if you re read paragraph six , twevle and thirteen. They just read odd to me. Next, I like many of your descriptions, but I think you may want to add more. Hook the reader in, showing the sky above the beach, and just pull your other descriptions out a bit more.
Last thing which I noticed wass that you used the word ‘I’ when the rest of the story is in third person. I would personally suggest you either change this so that it is in third person or put in italics. He isn’t saying this outloud, so don’t put it in quotation marks.
Overall, I am fairly intrigued. This is a decent piece, and didn’t cause me to cry out in agony for the teribble use of the english language. I thank you very much.
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I like the way you described beach scene. I actually just wrote a similar scene in my last book and you happened to capture quite a bit of what I tried to get down on paper. The only thing was my character wasn’t trying to end his life. In fact, he was about to discover it. The only thing I noticed in your section of text for review was a few extra words you could do without. Other than that, if you tighten it up (and a good editor can help you with that), you can certainly do well in your writing endeavors…
More! What happens next? The story itself is good, original and convincing. I’m glad you went a different way then the typical boy-meets-girl stories. There are some minor grammatical errors, some sentences that you’ll probably revise a tad, the begining is a little dry but overall a good read, now post more! :)
While you say that we will not see the romance part of it now, I do see a foreshadowing of something that may come. I like the fact that as he thinks of ending his life he finds a baby, who has, of yet not had a chance to live. It’s ironic in a way. However, I would like to know why people don’t look him in the eye, and why people stare when he goes in to get coffee. I would also like to know why only his cousin would care. I hope to see this in another part of this story.
like it – good story but would like to see the writing vocabulary a bit more sophisticated? I don’t know a way to say it. I like the character and appreciate the way you have developed the scenery – I could feel my feet getting cold with the water and you are right – it is reffreshing how he is saved by this little bundle. I DO want to know what happens next – a writer’s goal, I think, to levae them wanting more! Kudo’s for this.
I enjoyed this piece very much. I felt that the grammar was on point and the story line was very readable. I found your descriptions compelling.
“Hunter Caldwell was tired of this miserable, lonely existence otherwise known as his life” Could use a little work. Feels forced. In fact, I would take it out all together. The next sentence would be a better way to start the paragraph.
Also, i have a hard time believing this- “What if they thought he kidnapped the baby? The idea froze the blood in Hunter’s veins. He had just been trying to die. The prospect of life, let alone life in prison, was beyond unsettling.”
Has he been in trouble with the law before? Why would he assume he’d get life in prison?
Other than that, good stuff.
This is an excellent opening! I would definitely keep reading (though I don’t generally read ‘romance’).
Suggestions:
“waves flooding against rocky shoreline” the article (a/the) is missing before ‘shoreline’.
“svaor” – typo
“I won’t think of that…” – why switch to 1st person here?
“conical shaped” – ‘shaped’ isn’t necessary.
“Like sliding into home plate,” – I’d cut that, as it detracts from the otherwise very smooth and ‘natural’ language here.
“Strnagely,” – typo
I never thought I’d say this regarding a work posted under ‘Romance’, but… let me know when you post more of this!
Keep writing – you’ve got a knack!
This is a good start, and it’s very obviously the beginning of something. It has all of the good marks of an introduction. I have no complaints in regard to your grammar, only a couple of typos. Two specific typos I noticed were, “The he heard it again, this time louder and higher pitched.” The should be then, I assume? Also, “Strnagely, there was no fear in this eyes, only questions.” Strangely.
Now, my only real complaint is in regard to one sentence toward the beginning. “No. He would not miss this life.” I read this as a line of defiance, as in he refuses to let his life pass him by, and so for a good part of this I thought he was planning on simply taking off, starting over, rather than killing himself. You do a really good job at capturing the end stages of suicidal feelings, i.e. they are hardly noticeable, and a sense of peace is gained. These two things combined lead me in a different direction than you intended. I would reword “would not miss”.
Otherwise, great job. I would read more, keep writing.
This is terrific writing! Your description of the beach, the setting, and Hunter were very revealing. I could almost imagine feeling the water tug at my feet, and the cold that hit when he dove in for the baby. I could identify with his fears and questions. Now what does he do? Does he take the baby to someone or keep for himself? I can’t wait to read the next part. Excellent and flowing. I found nothing wrong with this submission at all. Job well done.
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