Thanls for the review!!!
Poetry / Travelling my heart
The road to my heart is
long, cold, dark and silent
filled with so much un-
shed tears and heartbreaks
Travelling it may cost it your life
or the rusty key
that is polluting my heart
The silence- the worst part
will lead you astray
and you’ll be lost forever
what would it take to bring me back to the sunlight
and bring joy back to my eyes?
Such an answer even I cannot find…
but there is still hope.
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Poetiquette101 reviewed Version 2 -
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this gives an imagery of a lovesick vagabond in search of meaning, very much appreciated
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ThomasAlan reviewed Version 2 -
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You definitely capture a sense of sadness here.
I liked the phrase “rusty key/that is polluting my heart” because it conveyed danger, illness, disuse.
Quibbles: Might it be better to say “so many unshed tears” (instead of “much”)?
And, what about deleting the second “it” and making it “traveling it may cost your life”? Just thought I’d mention those.
Keep working on this or other things.
southernbaroque reviewed Version 2 -
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The lack of punctuation makes the piece hard to follow. Without punctuation there is no way to understand what thoughts are related to what, nothing is hinged together. The line, “Travelling it may cost it your life” may cost what your life?
Butterflyzoo reviewed Version 2 -
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“the rusty key that is polluting my heart”....... great line!
For me, I had to read and reread the poem to get the full deepth of what you were feeling. But that one line can make this poem great…. I would like to read something that ellaborates on that one line.
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Version 2
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| Version 2 | Version 1 (Deleted) |