Thanks for the nits, Stephan. I’ll be editing this for submission soon, and every little bit helps. Glad you liked the jockey scene. It was inspired by some of Mike Resnick’s stuff.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Hush, Little Baby - Part 4
“ Cheshire!”
I shot straight up into the air, looking around frantically. Dolly was standing beside the tub, looking exasperated but smug. I dug the cotton out of my ears.
“Morning, Doll.”
“I’ve been calling you for ten minutes. What’s with the cotton?”
“Are you kidding? You were sawing wood like Paul Bunyan last night.”
“Oh. I wondered where the plaster came from. How did it go?”
“I solved the case.”
“Really?” She beamed at me.
“No. Not really. But I did find some information I need to follow up on.”
She made a face. “That wasn’t nice.”
“Well, now we’re even for you scaring the pease porridge out of me.”
“I guess. So what happens today?”
“I’ve got to head over to Banbury Cross, see a guy named Pete. The Weasel ever mention him?”
She drew her brows together. “I think so…maybe. I can’t remember why, though.”
“Guess I’ll find out. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll take care of some morning things and be on my way.”
“Okay, Chesh.” She let herself out of the bathroom, and I let go of the ceiling, dropping lightly to the floor.
A few minutes later, I walked back into the office, where Dolly was sweeping up the plaster dust.
“Now you’ve done it,” I said.
“What’s that?”
“Made a clean spot. You’ll have to do the whole place now.”
“Well if I gotta be stuck here, I might as well be useful. I won’t even charge you.”
“Thanks, Doll. You’re all right.”
“No more than I would anyone else, anyways.”
“Hmph.” I retrieved my hat from the stand next to the desk. “You need anything before I take off?”
“No. I just want this over with.”
“Don’t worry. Lock the door behind me, and remember, if my assistant shows up…”
“I know, don’t let him in.”
“Right. That goes for anyone else, too. Seems I’m not the only one curious about the Weasel’s business. Ran into a fan club last night.”
Dolly’s eyes widened in alarm. “Who was it? Are you okay? Were you followed?” She ran to the blinds and scanned the street below.
“Hansel and Gretel, I think so, and I don’t think so. Doesn’t hurt to be careful, though. I’m sure your place is being watched by now. The cops, at least. Maybe others.”
She sat down in my chair heavily. “What is it with people wanting to look in my windows?” she asked tiredly.
“Maybe they’re admiring your Margery Daw painting.”
“How do you know I have a Margery Daw painting?”
“I’d best get going. See ya ‘round the mountain, Doll.”
“Be careful, Chesh.”
“Always.”
I tripped down the stairs, but landed on all fours. I got lucky, and was able to hail a Cock Horse cab right away. The drive out to Banbury Cross was uneventful, and I made my way through the turnstiles and into the stands. There weren’t any races scheduled for today, so I thought I’d have a good chance to talk to Pete. One of the jockeys was training, and I watched him circle the track with his blue and maroon cart. He approached where I was leaning against the rail, and I waved to catch his attention. He stopped beside me.
“Yeah?” he panted.
“I’m looking for Pete. He around?”
“Try the jockeys’ lounge. It’s in that building to the left of the stables.” The jockey wiped sweat from his forehead with a polka dotted handkerchief.
“Thanks.”
“My pleasure.”
“Um…”
“Yes?”
“Where’s your horse?”
“Oh. He threw a shoe, but it’s so hard to reschedule track time, so…” he picked up the cart poles again, “…if you’ll excuse me.”
“By all means.” The jockey puffed away, and I headed to the jockeys’ lounge.
The lounge door was open, and I stepped inside. The wall next to it was filled with photographs of champion jockeys and framed newspaper clippings highlighting their careers. Most of them were given over to hometown hero Tom Thumb. There wasn’t a Pete listed in any of them, so I made my way further into the building.
The smell of fresh-baked pumpkin pie greeted me as I stepped into the dining room. It sat on a table covered with white linen. The pie, not the smell. And the pie wasn’t covered with white linen, the table was. A bud vase in the center of the table held a perfect carnation, which was the twin of the one in the lapel of the man sitting there. He was a big man, fleshy but not fat. His dark suit was crisply pressed, the pinstripes glinting like piano wires in the early morning sun. A bone white china plate held the remains of a slice of the pie, and he shoved another forkful into his mouth as I approached. He looked like a tough customer, and I figured I’d get more if he thought we were on the same team.
“You must be Pete.”
Dark eyes glittered under a pronounced brow as he stared at me. “I must? Well if you say so, pal.” He shrugged and cut another slice of pie.
“The Weasel told me you were a wiseacre.”
His eyes darted around the room, though we were the only occupants. “I don’t know any Weasel.”
“Come off it, Thumbkin. We don’t have time to dance.”
“Why?” he asked around a mouthful of pie, “What’s the problem?”
Apparently Pete didn’t get the early morning paper. “Things have gotten complicated.”
He put his fork down. “Whattaya mean?”
And no one called him, either. Pete wasn’t as connected as I thought. I could turn that to my advantage. Hopefully. “Someone’s been talking, and the pressure’s on. You ought to lay low for a while.”
His unibrow creased. “Someone’s been blabbin’?” he asked dangerously. “Who was it?”
“We don’t know yet. But the Weasel wanted you to take precautions.”
“Yeah. I gotta place I can hole up at.” He looked out at the track, thinking. “I bet it was the Rover. That dog.”
“Well the Weasel doesn’t think so. In fact, I’m heading to warn him next. Only the Weasel didn’t know where he was. He said you would, though.” This part was tricky. I was improvising, and never knew when I might give the game away.
“Yeah. He’s in St. Ives. Got a flat over the Cart and Bull.”
I nodded in supposed recognition. “Yeah. That was one of the places the Weasel mentioned. Okay, I’ll head out there.” I started to walk away, but was interrupted by Pete’s deep voice.
“Hey. What about the fix? You want I should let it ride or what? If it’ll bring down the heat…” He shrugged.
“When is it?”
“Tomorrow. The fifth race.”
“Who’s going to win?”
“Hobby.”
“The dapple gray? What are the odds?” He told me, and I made a show of thinking about it. “No,” I finally said. “I think we can let it stand. But it’ll be the last until you hear from the Weasel again.”
“Okay,” Pete said. “See ya.” He reached for the last of the pie.
“Be careful.”
I left the dining room and made my way out of the lounge. I made a quick stop by the betting window, and then grabbed a cab to St. Ives.
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Sharon reviewed Version 1 -
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Yes, I know you wrote this 100 years ago, and I’m sure you have to dust cobwebs off the screen just to see this review, but better late than never, right?
I read the first three chapters right as you posted them, then took a few months breather from this mysterious writing room. I was only on this site for about ten minutes when I found chapter 4 and began to read. I remembered the first three chapters were among my favorite pieces on this site (not that I hate Haikus and all other syrupy, lovesick poems bombarding us here).
OK. Loved chapter 4 too. I love the friendly, sarcastic banter between your characters. Cheshire is always on his game, and Dolly, though maybe portrayed as a not-so-smart broad, has her share of witty comebacks as well.
Pete is a bit of an idiot. I liked the part where you described him wearing the twin carnation to the one in the vase. I picture him as unattractive, not too sensible and plenty cheesy. Only an idiot would stay at the table with the carnations twin, clearly pointing out the fact that he’s cheap and not too savvy.
The story has a great flow. I think I would have liked a little more suspicion from Pete’s point of view before he blabbed about the guy’s whereabouts. He seems almost TOO stupid to give out such vital information.
Good ending. It left me wanting to see chapter 5 (unlike many stories on this site).
Are you as slick as your characters? Does this cool kind of writing come easy for you or are you up all night scratching your head putting words together trying to APPEAR cool? Either way, it works! :)
Sharon
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stephanloy reviewed Version 1 -
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The dialogue was as snappy and directed as in the last excerpt I reviewed. The jokes were perhaps a little thinner, but not so much that the narrative lagged. The jockey hauling around the cart was telegraphed (mainly by the character of humor of the piece) but was nonetheless funny, as you handled it with such deadpan matter-of-factness. Good job.
A few nits (and there were darned few:
There weren’t any races scheduled for today
There weren’t any races scheduled for the day
The above is an issue of temporal distance. The narrator can’t be talking about today because that could preclude his finishing the story (assuming the story goes into the NEXT day).
“Why?” he asked around a mouthful of pie, “What’s the problem?”
“Why?” he asked around a mouthful of pie. “What’s the problem?”
scaredloner reviewed Version 1 -
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wow this is good. I praticulary like the world you create, you really suck me into it, Like I am part of it. your character development is also like this… you have a real gift for bringing me into your story… Good work keep on writing never stop… I truely mean that
Lena17 reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, I must say, I was disappointed with this one; not nearly as good as the last three chapters. Something about the dialogue seemed really slow.
The chemistry between Dolly & Cheshire was, as always, hilerious and quite loverly to watch unfold. Also, the whole bit with the “smell of the pumpkin pie on the linen tablecloth,” and then, how you corrected yourself, took me out of the story a little. But I suppose since this is playing out like a classic narrated crime thriller (with jazz music playing in the backround LOL!), that sort of ‘rounding back on your words’ is necessary.
Don’t worry, I’m still going to finish the story, as I’m still wild about your concept with all your geniusly-placed fairytale references!
Keep writing, and best of luck with your future projects!
~JMB
leighahh reviewed Version 1 -
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ok i am not sure what the idea was behind this but it definetly had fun-ness and silliness i laughed through the entire thing, i couldnt believe what i was reading and how it sounded. i read it out loud to my hubby and we both agree that you are good at creating stories that will make someone smile and laugh. Although i do not believe that this is a story that someone younger will be able to grasp or follow but for adults a great get away
Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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“It sat on a table covered with white linen. The pie, not the smell. And the pie wasn’t covered with white linen, the table was.” (shakes head) We only have Chesh’s word for that, though, don’t we? Maybe it wasn’t linen; maybe it was… a polyester tablecloth.
“the pinstripes glinting like piano wires” I like this phrase…
The humor in this part is more subtle. I like that. You can’t keep the laughs going all-out for the entire story without wearing down the reader, and this way there’s more reward for people who pay attention. I admire how you make the fairy-tale/nursery rhyme referrences fit so seamlessly into this detective story without it sounding contrived or forced.
EAnonymous reviewed Version 1 -
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I love the exchange between Chesh and Dolly in this – they’re great together. She really keeps up with him! I also like how you tell us only afterward that Chesh had been hanging from the ceiling.
My favourite part – the Jockey with no horse – it reminded me of Monty Python (always a good thing). Is this Pete (eating pumpkin pie) a reference to Peter Pumpkin Eater? I thought so, but I’m not sure.
Nice touch with Chesh taking advantage of the fixed race. He’s a clever cat!
I’m glad you are able to keep us supplied regularly with our humour fixes!
Jacquie reviewed Version 1 -
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His unibrow crease? It made me laugh out loud st the image – love it. There are only a few minor tings I found wrong with this, and that is my somehwat nit-picky grammatical stuff – ending sentences with prepositions, ”...I can whole up at”. But it is a delightful tale and I’m off to read part 5. I love your imagination
Mario007 reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice.
The dialogue is once again the high point of your story, but it is different to the dilagues in chapters two or three. You brought something new into it, by making this into a serious conversation where Chesh was actually under more pressure than before.
Got nothing more to write than that I’m afraid, you story is certainly attention grabbing and quite fresh. I remember you calling Chesh an anti-hero, but I find myself liking him and the way he acts. It would certainly be nice to see how he would react in a situation where he’s under a lot of pressure(more than in chapter three) just to know how long would it take until he’d crack.
Great job and I must say that you’re very good to us on urbis and are very quick suply us wiht the new chapters.
OldShepster reviewed Version 1 -
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What I liked:
You’re good…very good. I could blow all of your review credits quoting the lines I like. We’ll save your credits for other stuff. I love your writing because it is funny, the dialog is excellent, you’re funny and the characters are pretty well drawn. Plotting and pace are solid too.
What would have made me like it even more:
Ok, I’m being really picky, but it’s your fault for writing so well. I’m looking for the element of subtlety in your humor. I want the reader to feel as smart as possible when reading your novel. I’m thinking along the lines of Douglas Adams’ “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” series. Adams’ humor was just as in your face as yours, but delivered with of slyness that makes the reader flatter themselves for being in on the joke. The jokes aren’t explained, but hinted at. For example, rather than stating, “Oh. I wondered where the plaster came from. How did it go?” Maybe Dolly could just brush some ceiling plaster from her nightie.
Not everyone will get it, but for those that do, there are two rewards instead of one. In both cases you are funny, but in the more subtle version, the reader is also smart. I want this book to be good, even after the clever idea wears off. You are a funny guy, no doubt about it. I’m going to keep pushing reader response, so readers get more out of this than a few laughs. I have a close friend who has similarly inspired humor. He also has three unpublished novels floating around the literary ether.
Some of the dialog was a little hard to follow. Clarity is good when you are dealing with complicated humor (complicated humor = jokes requiring more than one line).
Most of your humor is dialog or action based. Other than pulling in the nursery rhyme references, you seem to have neglected setting. Take the race track…All I know is that it has turnstiles and stands. Give me a little more, even if you can’t find the humor in it…but I’m pretty sure you will ;-)
Hope this helps. Love the story!
Shep
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