I couldn’t think of a title so I named it after what was on my desk at the time.
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Non-fiction / honey and candles
Darkness is the facade of angels and the divine. Its such an easy mistake to glance and adhere to our own prejudices, never questioning or challenging them, mabe the hardest part about being human is knowing when to.
I came from a place I can not remember, and I find myself plagued by whether or not this is intentional. Life may be some sort of spiritual litmus test, where ignorance exposes character. It might also be an alien game show.
I go to work and I see myself turned off, emotionally isolated, compassionate, understanding, but at arms length. I serve the practical needs of the client. Personality is almost irrelevant here. My job is to ensure the emotional and mental stability of others. Something quite contrary to my social darwinistic principles. Its hard to rationalize what I see sometimes. A kid came onto the unit one day, ankles bound with a white zip tie, arms crossed and cuffed behind his back. He was wearing basketball shorts and I think a white t shirt. Three police officers and 2 techs carried him in, he was screaming and squirming like you might imagine. We carried him into the seclusion room and one limb at a time secured him to the bed. When he wasnt screaming he was asking each of us if we were gay and if we would fuck him. Sometimes hypersexuality accompanies mania in psychotic breaks. After he was restrained and given a cocktail of various sedatives I was assigned to sit at the door of the seclusion room and monitor him as state law mandates you do when someone is in 4 point restraints (2 hands 2 feet). At first he was just screaming and calling out for help from god or for someone to fuck him. His screams soon turned into something that started with a yell but would shift into a shrill scream. In addition to his screaming he would also yell and speak in portugeese. Nothing like bilingual mania. At this point he started to beg for a priest. In trying to establish some sort of contact with him I told him that we could not get a priest, to which he replied “Are you gay? Will you fuck me?”. I ignored his comment and busied myself with close observation paperwork. When someone is in 4 points we document their activity every 15 minutes: peeing, crying, screaming, sleeping etc. He then asked me if I would let him go. I said not until you calm down, not as if I would have let him go even if he had calmed down. He then said ” I’ll give you anything. Anything you want.”. I thought it amazing how lucid a man can be when he wants something. This kid was just screaming in 2 languages and now hes making semi intelligible conversation. Once again I ignored his comment. “Whats your soul worth, will you sell it to me? I can give you anything, just let me go. Anything in the world.”. Now I was quite shaken up by this entire situation, this kind of thing you hear about from people who have worked psych for years, but no amount of training compares to the reality. I told him there was nothing he has that I would ever want. Then he asked me if I would fuck him, and relapsed into laughter.
Several hours passed, the screams stopped and we released him. He had the type of eyes you only see in severe bipolar disorder and the schizo manias. Bold pupils, ferral, disassociated. He behaved for about 30 minutes before throwing a punch at a tech. The tech was about 5 feet from the north wall, the client in between him and the wall, myself to the right of the tech. The tech caught his arm at the bicep and the client grabbed the techs shoulder. He then jumped and placed both feet flat on the wall and ran backwards until he was at a 45 angle from the ceiling.
The client was promptly pulled down and escorted to the seclusion room. After he was restrained, I took my break and went to McDonalds.
I could assume there is life beyond my perceptions. I could create elaborate justifications for my limited knowledge of the fact but this would all be speculation. I could assume that when a man goes mad it is solely his body that makes the reality he experiences, he then becomes a slave to the whims of his biology. I fear this explanation becasue it implies that a false reality can be created that can not be discerned from “true” reality, if there is such a thing. Is a man a fool to believe what he experiences?
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Deadsage reviewed Version 4 -
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The opening and closing paragraph need to be more attached to the story. As it is, they are free standing philosophical ideas which don’t need the story in any way. The story is a good read, but needs some basic editing.
“Darkness is the facade of angels and the divine.” -while poetic, how does this apply to the piece?
”...adhere to our own prejudices…” -why not make this a personal story? “my own prejudices” also, you don’t voice any prejudices in your story to support this observation.
”...them[.] The…” -I took out “maybe”, this is your story, you should be confident in your observations.
“I came from a place…” -you need to expand on this paragraph or lose it. It stands as a nonsequitor right now. It doesn’t expose your character or begin your story.
“Something quite contrary to my social [D]arwinistic principles” -fragment
your story really begins with the kid coming in. Why not begin by telling us what you do, being a touch more detailed, and then jump right into the psychotic kid? you can add your ideas and philosophy throughout by how you tell the story.
“It[‘]s hard to… “
“When he wasn[‘]t screaming “
“Three police officers and 2 techs ” – You have to choose a number format, 3 and 2 or three and two. What are “techs”? By context I’m guessing something like an orderly.
“speak in [Portuguese]”
I don’t have a problem with sentence fragments to establish a fast pace, but I’ve seen this much more in novels, non-fiction is usually more structurally strict.
“Nothing like bilingual mania.” -fragment
“me?”/./”-no need for the period after
“you want.”/./”-no need for the period after
“now he[‘]s making “
“What[‘]s your soul worth”
the world.”/./-no need for the period after
“schi[zoid] manias. Bold pupils, [feral], “
“[I was] to the right “
“this explanation [because] “
“Is a man a fool to believe what he experiences?” -this is a big question, but it’s not like you have many other choices.
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JanetThomas reviewed Version 4 -
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Despite some very interesting insights as well as a varied word choice, there seems to be a wide range of issues here with your piece. First, why did you choose your title? What is the correlation to your plot?
There is a huge rift between your introduction and conclusion; your body seems to be taken from a completely different genre.
The last sentence of the body is brilliant: “The client was [...] and went to McDonalds”.
Finally, Are you following in the footsteps of extensionialism? If so, you may have fully achieved that in this work.
wordman reviewed Version 4 -
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Nice opening line.
You go from some interesting questions to a depiction of your life in, what at first seems a mundane detached existence. Then the police politely escort a new patient onto the ward and your environment soon spins wildly out of control, not unlike the severe bipolar patients in your charge.
You then accelerate into a recounting of a gratuitous scene that any writer worth their salt with a little road behind them has experienced first hand. Just as I lean back to yawn at the outrageous exchange, you say, “I could assume there is life beyond my perceptions.” Okay, you got me.
You close with the question, “Is man a fool to believe what he experiences?” Absolutely! If you can run with that and retain the backdrop of the psych ward, you’ll be cookin’ on the big burner.
I’m listening.
artofstocks reviewed Version 4 -
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Your words made this reader see the who,what,when,where,why, how and feel.
You are a writer and should continue to write and get published.
You words made this reader feel where you were and why you were there.
You go and write some more.
jfmalewitz reviewed Version 4 -
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At a former mental patient,I could relate to much of this piece. I applaud you for writing a different perspective: that of the doctor working with the patient. This has even found its way into my own fiction once, but not non-fiction. you said not to point out errors in punctuation. I did see a few, but those are easy fixes. I thought this portrait worked in many ways. I think you could just say he wore a white t-shirt; you’re not exactly breaking a major rule there, and “I think a white t-shirt” really isn’t needed. Overall, this piece was a very interesting read. You tell a good non-fiction story. I wish you luck with it. Thanks for letting me read this.
steviemchugh reviewed Version 4 -
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You start off this piece with a confusing philosophical statement that doesn’t draw the readers in or even help them know what the story is about. You have some compelling action later on, and it would be better to start off with that and weave your thoughts into the scene that inspires the reflection.
There’s no sense of direction here. My gut feeling is that there’s a need for a deeper level of honesty. The writer is holding back. There’s definitely potential here, though.
madissonwilliam reviewed Version 4 -
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Nost of your third paragraph is too contradictory to work. It seemed like you were aiming for showing the juxtaposition of your personal and work selves. However, what happened is very different. More than anything, it came across as incongruesnt and indecisive. In parts, it seemed like you were trying harder to convince yourself that you were something other than you are than you were the reader (sorry if that sentence is hard to follow).
In general, your story is very hard to follow. You switch topics rapidly and use a lot of technical jarhon. It is also hard to understand what the goal of the story is. These three things, when combined, make it very hard to follow the story, none – the – less really get into it.
I think your work definitely has potential. Develop a clear goal, work on the flow, and lose the technical jargon, and your piece will be much easier to read.
MoulinCool reviewed Version 4 -
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So, I basically loved this. I am a psych major, so of course I was hooked from the very beginning. The middle, though, is what got me to read more intently. Is this what you do for a living? I am curious to know what the name of the job this character does to be working with a “schizo maniac”. Awesome job, this definately got me more excited for a future career. When you update, definately keep me informed =]
sarafarey reviewed Version 4 -
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I have to say the first line didn’t fit in with the rest of the piece. There are a few things which could be addressed. For example how long had you been working at this instituation. Tell us a little more about the day to day grind of this place. Why did this one event stand out so much? What led you to be doing this type of work? The starting few lines about emotional distance not fitting in with your darwinistic principals I found a little strange. Over all with revisions I think this makes for an interesting piece.
MsMenozzi reviewed Version 4 -
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You say to reserve comments on spelling and grammar, so I will assume you will fix those mistakes in a later draft. Unfortunately, there are enough to prove a bit distracting on a first read-through.
Overall, this comes across as a brutally honest piece. Most people don’t understand the sort of “dark humor” that workers in the police, medical and psychiatric fields soon learn to adopt, and much of this seems to be written with that tone. There is only a hint of sympathy on your part, and perhaps a little empathy. This goes a long way to helping the reader to comprehend what is happening. Well done.
Your descriptions are quite vivid and easily visualized as a result.
Perhaps you could leave out the word “glance” in your second sentence, as it reads well without it.
The line “It might also be an alien game show”, was brilliant, I thought. I got an immediate image of “Survivor: Earth” in my head upon reading it. Quite clever, and understated, as well. It also serves as an interesting counterpoint to the following subject matter.
Revise this and show us more, please.
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Version 4
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