the muscle is the heart.
appreciate the lively hostility.
Poetry / once your grip was firm
you slid your hand around my heart,
massaging the throbbing muscle with your tongue,
my blood running down your arm and
dripping from elbow to cold metal
in a constant staccato.
your eyes scanned
my relaxed expression for a beat before you
let your caress trail down past my stomach.
at first just a sweet kiss,
and then I felt it –
your firm grip pulled
until the bone split apart,
exposing the red of me.
turning away, I tried to hide the sudden sting
of shame caught in my cheek.
you were beautiful wearing red on your lips,
and I barely managed to whimper
around the lump in my throat,
“but I thought you were a cardiologist.”
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youngjed reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked this a lot. It was visceral yet intimately sexy. The cardiologist metaphor could be really crude but its subtle and lovely here. And its the perfect length too. My comments such as they are…
in a constant staccato – i like the idea but it may be worth moving this around a bit, as it sounds a little harsh
sweet kiss – i think i’d be tempted remove sweet, its a little too obvious for my taste
the sudden sting – a slightly obvious alliteration?? i think shame is sudden but less sharp than a sting
Lin’s suggestion for moving this line to the front is very interesting I think.
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Niyorco reviewed Version 2 -
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The imagery was great. Truely captured my attention and held on to it. I like the mystery behind it also and gathered from the small piece of this drop I’d have to guess “Vampire”. It could use a little more work if you want to get deep into detail and word perfect like but I feel that it’s great the way it is. One reason why poetry is always good to read. It can be unique in many ways. Thanks for sharing!—Niyorco
filbert reviewed Version 2 -
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First sentence riveting, it took control.
2nd s is sensual; reveals sleepy needs and wants, my desire.
3rd s could believe this is date rape…
4th s I can remember the very second I felt that sting.
5th s ends on a curve.
I can see the humor; but, I don’t appreciate it.
Your words are not your own. I’ve felt them many times.
Kudos to a talented writer.
Dubose reviewed Version 2 -
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If the poet has a goal of wanting to communicate clearly why is he trying so hard to confuse. What’s with tongue on a throbbing muscle after mentioning the heart? I think you need to take that scalpel to this piece and carve away all the unnecessary ideas and words. Decide what you’re going to write about and then write.
leighahh reviewed Version 2 -
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very interesting, although not my favorite type of poetry seems a little to blood and guts for me but still very well writen and very well expressed.
eremiphobia reviewed Version 2 -
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hello!
first of all i have to say that i really like this poem. i’m afraid i am not going to find enough to tell you to work on.
line-by-line:
1: sorry to provide you with contradictory criticisms, but i prefer the opening of the first version to this one. much stronger and less cliche. either way is good though and maybe you prefer this, it is just something to consider.
4-5: i love these lines so much
8: wording on this is a little cliche. specifically “caress trail down”
9: “sweet kiss” – appropriate, but probably another cliche and does not provide a very stable visual
10: somewhat of a filler line.
11-13: “your firm grip pulled / until the bone split apart, / exposing the red of me” this is wonderful :)
16: “wearing red on your lips” maybe you should avoid using the word ‘red’ again as it was used three lines before this? i love this line anyhow
and i love all the rest of it! really original idea and imagery. i would love to see more of your poetry.
xo
Lin reviewed Version 1 -
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Instead of nitpicking, try shuffling. You have the makings of a masterpiece!
I thought you were a cardiologist
beautiful wearing red on your lips
Your eyes scanning my relaxed expression
you slid your hand around my heart
you pulled until the bone split apart
massaging my throbbing muscle
exposing the red of me
The shining table under me soothing the sudden sting
I felt my blood running down your arm
dripping from elbow to cold metal for only a moment
before I felt your caress trail down past my stomach
Once your grip was firm and I felt it then
at first with your tongue just a sweet kiss
Turning away I tried to hide the humiliation caught in my cheek
barely managing to whimper around the lump in my throat
Too many ‘felts.’ The next stage if it was my poem I’d do some careful whittling. Not too much ‘but’ just enough.
Cirrus_Minor reviewed Version 1 -
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I very much like the imagery, but I personally have always been one for poetry that has more of a flow and rhythm to it. Great work nonetheless though.
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