Haiku/Senryu / 9/24/07

Well that was rather beautiful. I think you’ve perfectly captured the imagery of a beautiful cold morning, sun striking through the mist, mist surrounding the bulb of the sun. Truly beautiful work. I admire haiku writers, you guys convey so much with so little. No spelling mistakes, which is good in a piece this brief.

Overall your imagery is your best mark on this, I found myself imagining it vividly. Steam lifts from my skin may leave slower readers wondering why your body is steaming. :-) That’s the only negative mark.

Great job!

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May 19, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 22

Because I am warmer than the air around me; a cold dry snap of air causes you to not only be able to see your breath but the moisture coming off your skin.

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Traditional nature theme, fantastic image, syllabically accurate. This is a textbook haiku and a favourable one at that. 10/10

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May 05, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 22

thanks

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I know you are sort of beholden to the form here.
Crouched seems almost negative…but there doesn’t seem to be anything else negative in the poem, so I don’t know what tone to read. Moist and fog are sort of redundant; the next line has mist, so three words that mean almost the exact same thing in two lines. A very wet poem. steam, again…”steam lifts off my skin” seems impossible given the mist surrounding the sun. It feels like it doesn’t make sense. It’s usually an extremely cold, dry situation when bodies steam, isn’t it? Maybe I am wrong on that.

flows extremely well,
paints a vivid image with allowing the reader to feel it

Moist adds  nothing of value to the word Fog – fog is naturally “moist”, maybe dense would be a better fit and convey the meaning you seek better?

The second line, though poetic and romantic, doesn’t make sense.  If it is so foggy that it is moist then the sun cannot be “surrounded” by any mist. It can be covered, hazed, made opaque, or blocked – anything but surrounded.  I would remove the “thick” if you use “dense” to describe the fog.  

I recommend removing “my” and finding a descriptive word to add punch to the third line.  ”My” is a filler syllable and also tends to make this personal and more human – so it is more of a senryu than Haiku.

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March 25, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 22

I appreciate your input.  You are right about the fog being moist by nature, but this piece is meant to point out the connection between myself, and nature.  I can’t take myself out of the picture without losing the image.  Fog can’t surround the sun in space obviously, but it can appear to surround the sun when it’s on the horizon, which was the case here.  I’ll review this and consider your suggestions.

March 25, 2009

by squarehopper

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45	M	Bolingbrook, IL	November 18

Of course my POV is subjective.  Maybe too subjective in this case.  

Sorry I wasn’t much help here.

March 25, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 22

I’m always looking for a fresh perspective, and I always appreciate your views.

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I like how unlike most other haiku I have read, this isn’t too vague. It’s understood what’s happening; but the tinge of emotion seems to be missing. Beautiful none-the-less.

This is one of your better attempts.  It pulls the reader into a physical moment and then delivers sensation.  I have always thought the best, original examples of this form express both metaphysical and truly physical experience.  The balance between.  Nice

I definitely get the feeling of the mist/fog, but I miss exactly what is crouched under the fog.  Is it you?  Is the mist around the sun under the fog?  

I like the sound of the words, but have trouble putting together that complete visual that the brevity of words needs to give me.  

Full of descriptive words that make this piece very vivid.  ’Lifts’ is probably the word I’d look to replace.  It is in keeping with the imagery in L1 and L2, but it just lacks punch, or something.  

I know who authored this, but won’t be biased, since it is a neat haiku evoking clingy and hazy weather, almost like a “fog in the brain” as well, implying a state of unrest as a writer or a general sense of inertia of the day. Good job Deadsage!