Haiku/Senryu / 9/27/07 #2

my lawn is a combination of grasses (crab-grass, spider grass, various neighbor’s Trugreen spillover grass), weeds, and clover.  All coexisting and fighting for survival.  That was the image I was trying to create.

Hmm, perhaps you have is not really a lawn, but a field ;p

If I don’t mow it, it’s a jungle!

Thanks for your perspective, I appreciate it.  What do you feel is “ordinary” about the phrase “lush blue-green”?  I’d also like some clarity on what made the realisation phrase of friends and enemies feel random to you.

ehh…I think random was a poor choice of words on my part. I think it feels unfit and the first few adjectives just seem ordinary because it seems either too obvious or too plain.

I guess grasses doesn’t really need a color description… good point.  By unfit”do you mean that you don’t see the connection between the grasses/weeds being both friends and enemies?

yeah like i mean i can see a hidden connection and anyone could take it anyway they wanted to but what i’m trying to say to you is that i think it’d make it entirely more beautiful if the connection was brought out. but again that’s only my opinion. i still think it’s lovely. i love haikus.

thanks for the explanation, I value any opinions I can get.

you didn’t do too badly for someone who doesn’t generally review haiku, but I’d prefer if you looked at the words to evaluate if they are all worthwhile.  With only 17 syllables it is important that none of them are lazy.  Let me know what you think.

this is a very useless review, but at least it’s brief.  Care to be a bit more specific?  I’m sure anyhting can be improved upon.  how would you suggest I do that?  What did you like dislike?  If yr gonna review, at least reference something in the piece.

After looking over this, the usage of ‘and’ in two sentences, should be replaced with more descriptive words. Also, I would get rid of the word ‘with’. (Maybe ‘sweet’ clover-’unnerving’ weeds, just an example.) In the last line, ‘and’ should be replaced. (You might have used-’versus’ in its place. That would have made more sense, and would have tied the whole poem together.
I hope this is more to your liking.
Take care..

yes, 100% more helpful.

Do you see how using more expressive words can give the poem the power it needed?
I didn’t want to end it on a sour note.
Take care…

I respect that.  Had you been specific in your first review there would have been no complaints on my part.

It’s nice to lay down in.  Softer than grass.