Haiku/Senryu / 9/28/07 #2

Nice haiku – and good senryu if extended to ourselves as well. If you are using the period, maybe comma or dash after light?

The first two lines are great but tends to lose itself in the third, great piece aside.

tendril is the noun form, not the adjective form. try tendrillar or tendrilous instead.

also, tedril suggests that the plant is wiry and frail, the tendrils wrap around things to hold the plant up (such as morning glories on a fence) which contradicts thickness of line two.

Nice. If you’re going for true haiku, the “potted” plant might be borderline, as only humans “pot plants” and provide “false light”. I like it nonetheless.

Great piece. I love the phrase “happy potted plant.” That seems to really “fit” with the form, for me at least.

Only suggestion I would make would be to find a two syllable word or phrase to take the place of extend. Something that evokes excitement or joy on the part of the plant. Perhaps “stretch on” or something similar. Your choice, of course. It’s a good piece as is.

Relaxing.

#2,
I’ve had a few of those happy potted plants.
It connects to me.

real nice!
Love that word:

Tendril.

Hey, how about: green, thick, and under false light.
?
dunno think it just flows nicer.

love this … it makes me wonder about what would happy if the plant were unhappy?  Are plants unhappy when they are under real light?  Are people?  What extension are we talking about here?  Is it a GREEN thing?  So many questions and yet … I love it just for that reason.  Well Done!  Thanks.

very nice, very clear.
only thing that needs a little work is happy, doesn’t seem to be a word that fits the rest of the haiku, but I’m not the one who made it and I don’t know your thought process.

Keep up the good work!

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March 11, 2009

by Deadsage

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you are right, happy is nondescript.  Perhaps I will revisit the potted plant and ask it how it really feels.  Thanks for the review.

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