Haiku/Senryu / 9/28/07 #2

my one problem with this is why the plant would be happy living in false light in a pot. wouldn’t that be the opposite of a happy plant? the use of false and happy so close to each other doesn’t make the poem feel right. i would consider making the plant unhappy. it’s unnatural environment is not condusive to its needs…

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May 05, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 22

The only thing about the plant that is remarkable is the fact that it exploded with growth under florescent lighting.  I think you may have missed the point.

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very nice, very clear.
only thing that needs a little work is happy, doesn’t seem to be a word that fits the rest of the haiku, but I’m not the one who made it and I don’t know your thought process.

Keep up the good work!

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March 11, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 22

you are right, happy is nondescript.  Perhaps I will revisit the potted plant and ask it how it really feels.  Thanks for the review.

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You are surely talented in the way you see things, break them down in your mind, and then put it on paper. This poem give readers a taist of your talent, and paints a very clear picture of what you are seeing. That is poetry. The only problem I have is that it is over as fast as it starts. I would like to read more. Good job.

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December 30, 2007

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 22

you are very kind.  Thanks

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#2,
I’ve had a few of those happy potted plants.
It connects to me.

Nice. If you’re going for true haiku, the “potted” plant might be borderline, as only humans “pot plants” and provide “false light”. I like it nonetheless.

Relaxing.

The first two lines are great but tends to lose itself in the third, great piece aside.

Nice haiku – and good senryu if extended to ourselves as well. If you are using the period, maybe comma or dash after light?

real nice!
Love that word:

Tendril.

Hey, how about: green, thick, and under false light.
?
dunno think it just flows nicer.

Hello,

I have to admit, I have never been a big fan of Haiku but I did like this. It was well thought out and conveys good visuals. I like it and would n’t change a thing. Well done!