Haiku/Senryu / 9/28/07 #2

still clear cut to the point and still having to do with nature and holds the proper flow.

I loved the last line, happy potted plant, consider making that the title. It’s very catchy, and has a great feel to it. I think that one line makes the whole Haiku work, you should build around that kind of feel for all Haiku, just change the emotion. :-) Good job.

You are surely talented in the way you see things, break them down in your mind, and then put it on paper. This poem give readers a taist of your talent, and paints a very clear picture of what you are seeing. That is poetry. The only problem I have is that it is over as fast as it starts. I would like to read more. Good job.

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December 30, 2007

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 23

you are very kind.  Thanks

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Hello,

I have to admit, I have never been a big fan of Haiku but I did like this. It was well thought out and conveys good visuals. I like it and would n’t change a thing. Well done!

my one problem with this is why the plant would be happy living in false light in a pot. wouldn’t that be the opposite of a happy plant? the use of false and happy so close to each other doesn’t make the poem feel right. i would consider making the plant unhappy. it’s unnatural environment is not condusive to its needs…

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May 05, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 23

The only thing about the plant that is remarkable is the fact that it exploded with growth under florescent lighting.  I think you may have missed the point.

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Nice haiku – and good senryu if extended to ourselves as well. If you are using the period, maybe comma or dash after light?

tendril is the noun form, not the adjective form. try tendrillar or tendrilous instead.

also, tedril suggests that the plant is wiry and frail, the tendrils wrap around things to hold the plant up (such as morning glories on a fence) which contradicts thickness of line two.

Great piece. I love the phrase “happy potted plant.” That seems to really “fit” with the form, for me at least.

Only suggestion I would make would be to find a two syllable word or phrase to take the place of extend. Something that evokes excitement or joy on the part of the plant. Perhaps “stretch on” or something similar. Your choice, of course. It’s a good piece as is.

real nice!
Love that word:

Tendril.

Hey, how about: green, thick, and under false light.
?
dunno think it just flows nicer.

very nice, very clear.
only thing that needs a little work is happy, doesn’t seem to be a word that fits the rest of the haiku, but I’m not the one who made it and I don’t know your thought process.

Keep up the good work!

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March 11, 2009

by Deadsage

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28	M	Springfield, MO	November 23

you are right, happy is nondescript.  Perhaps I will revisit the potted plant and ask it how it really feels.  Thanks for the review.

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