Poetry / Everlast

Last awhile, everlast
Awaken dreams of deepest mindset
Consist along, deep within my long waking hours
My life, my love.
Exsistance, futile without you. Breathe
The air in a loves filled lung.
The mortality, lasts eternal, the power of life
The spark within each mind and heart
Beat and drum, life spent
Eternal passion, fuel the fires
Fire, scorch, burn the sides
Filled with desires

Last awhile, my everlasting dream
My waking heart that slumbered eternal
Awoken by loves first sweet, tender
Loving kisses
Tight embrace of the vine
Tie him down, feed him wine
Romance and passion, the fire alive
Jump in the waters, take the dive.
Velvet petals, of roses blood red
Estacy, swirls within the head
His kiss enlightens
Heightens and moves

Sweet dreams, lie asleep
Your run, now total complete
Close your eyes, close your arms
Find him there, close and tight
A soft sigh, his soft tender lips
Emit and push forth
With another fluid movement
He enraptures my eye
Sweet everlasting dreams…
To you I bid goodbye

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Reviews

March 02, 2008

Perfect_Shadow15

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
76	69.6% (23 votes)	20.7%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
16	F	Strandburg, SD	November 26

Perfect_Shadow15 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I like this but I think there’s a lot more you can do to make it sound complete. for example change the original part of this to..”Consist along, deep within my long waking hours
My life, my love, my everlast” I just think it sounds more…grasping. Also I dont understand the “the air in a loves filled lung” also I dont understand this “The mortality, lasts eternal, the power of life ” shouldn’t it say immortality? Just keep reading this thinking what you could add to make it better. Just add a couple words or change the vocab a bit.