Children's / Meet BB and Sissy
BB is the Big Brother.
In March he will turn seven.
He’s in first grade at EC school.
His best friend there is Devon.
He’s learnig how to play the guitar.
He likes running and rideing his bike.
He likes playing t-ball in little league,
and going fishing with his other friend Mike.
Sissy is the little sister.
Last July she had her third birthday.
She wears her hair in poney tails.
Like her big cousin Sarah Fay.
She loves playing with her baby dolls,
and she likes collecting stones.
She takes dance class with Miss Janice,
and she loves chocolate icecream cones.
BB and Sissy and their Mommy and Daddy
live on Kennedy Lane.
Nana and Papa live next door,
on their roof is a weather vane.
On Sundays all the family comes over
to Papa and Nanas to eat.
All the Aunts and Uncles and cousins are there,
But everyone has a seat.
BB and Sissy and all of their family
are happy to be together.
Because of all the laughter and smiles they share,
“Sunny Day” is always the weather.
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I gave a 1 for the category Publishable – Overall because this seems to only be an outline of the main characters/ I think the characters have great potential to amuse, entertain and warm a few hearts which would make it somewhat attractive to publishers of the genre. I look forward to Reading about BB and Sissy’s adventures with my 2nd grader.
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A couple of grammatical suggestions:
“He’s learnig how to play” ‘learning.’
“likes running and rideing his bike” ‘riding.’
“hair in poney tails” ‘pony.’
“chocolate icecream cones” ‘ice cream.’
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This 60 word review has not been unlocked.
I think this is a very good start. Personally I fin it harder 2 write for children then anyone else so first of I would want 2 say I think u picked the hardest catagory lol. Now I believe in givin constructive critasim that’s wat this is all about so here it goes. Maybe instead of just endin up at papa and nanas house they could end up there for a holiday or special event that the kids can comment on or would come off as extra special to such young children. But I can tell your VERY talented so keep up the good work!
i did not really understand the relavance. It was rather dull and didnt flow if it could not keep my attention i dounbt very much it would keep a childs.
I am missing a conflict in this story for it to work out for me. The rhyming is really good and you sure do have the “writing for children” thing down. Still, I think in order for my heart to be warmed by this, I need a conflict and a solution to it, be it that one day a chair is missing, or Miss Janice is off sick, causing Sissy’s dance lesson to be cancelled. Ooh, we cannot have such things, and these were awful examples, but really – I think you should consider putting in a conflict. It is in the conflicts the suspense is created. As for now, something really does feel missing.
A cute story, I can see this as a ‘Dick and Jane’ type book with bright pictures. There were a couple of spelling errors, and I think the story is missing something. It needs a unique feature, something that would make readers choose this book over another. Good luck with revisions, I look forward to the next draft.
EC school/School
learnig/learning
rideing/riding
poney/pony
icecream/ice-cream
Very cute
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