Cheers hehe. I only just added the last part, and I havent had a chance to edit it properely. The layout on here makes it hard to type out. I tried copying and pasting from word, but then it takes too long going through it and spacing it out. So I was trying to see wether it was easier to type in the textbox, but it’s just as bad because its more condensed and harder to go back and check stuff. Im gonna paste it all onto word and go over it properely next time xx. cheers :-)
Short Story / Time Stopped
The Time-Keeper’s tale
..........................
Time stopped.
Just for a split-second, so that it wasn’t enough for anyone to notice. And even if they did, it was put down to absent-mindedness. People just suddenly forgot what they were doing and simply re-traced their steps to remember.
Just a split second, which nobody would have missed?
So then, why did one small being notice it?
Perhaps it was because he was THE ultimate time-keeper. The Ultimate time-keeper was known to his friends and colleagues as Tut. He never really had a real name. Or at least he couldn’t remember his old name. He’d been around forever. Since the dawn of man at least, if not the universe.
None of the other planets in the universe had the concept of time. It was only the earthlings who did: The other planets were not too bothered about punctuality or keeping track of how old they were.
Tut therefore knew that whatever/whoever it was, that was responsible manipulating time, it was an Earthling. Or at least it was on Earth. This was the fiftieth or so split-second which had been stolen.
It may not sound like much, but when multiplied by the number of life-forms on earth, it was a lot. You see, when a split second is stolen from time, it is not just stolen from time, it is stolen from everyone who exists in time. So therefore a split-second is actually a split-second for every life form on earth.
When it adds up, it’s a lot of time to go missing.
Time does not just vanish, Tut thought to himself. Whoever had stolen it, was very clever. They were also up to no-good. Nothing good can ever come from manipulating time, which was why Tut had obviously been issued with the responsibility of being the Earth’s Time-keeper.
He had two gadgets which enabled him to keep the time. One was a digital watch: this told him the time in every time zone. The second was a measure for actual time, which dated back to when time began, which was when the gadget had been invented.
His job had been to guard the dimension of time on Earth, and to make sure that Man did not find a way to manipulate time. Once man could manipulate time, He could find his way through to the twin dimension. The Twin dimension, was where Tut lived. The Twin Dimension, was parallel to Earth’s dimension: Earth was an experiment, created by G.O.D (The Great Old Doctor).
GOD had wanted to see how fast it would take for a planet to grow; for the life forms to advance; and for the planet to fade and die again, in order to see how long was left, in the ultimate existence.
It was called the Twin Dimension, because every time a life form was born, it had a twin, who was born on earth. He had employed Tut to keep a watch on Man and how advanced he became, in-case it was necessary to abort the experiment.
GOD needn’t worry much longer, because he knew man was coming to the end of his days. The signs were all there: Global warming, technological advancement and the age of enlightenment. He liked to watch his earthlings and to play with them.
He often teased them, by flying his remote control hovercraft over the surface, so that men thought they were being abducted. He used this s an excuse to experiment and watch on them more closely.
He also used it as a holiday when he needed one. The great thing about living in the twin dimension was that you could manipulate space as much as you liked. You could be an inch high in one moment, and you could be 100 foot high, the next.
His nephew Tut, liked to be small, because he liked to hide and play with the earthlings. This was partially why he had chosen him for the job as the time-keeper.
Tut liked to take the form of a little yellow rubber duck. He’d been curious as to why people liked them so much, especially as they seemed to have no purpose in the world. He found it also gave him anonymity on Earth: people seemed to regard him as an abandoned toy, and carried on without giving him so much as a second look.
That was, until one day, a girl named Hazel came along. She picked him up, thinking how cute his little waistcoat was, and pocketed him.
...............................
Tut also had a twin on earth. By sheer coincidence, it was Hazel. Yet despite this, neither of them was any the wiser. (well.. If you found a rubber duck on the floor, would you ever for a second think it could be your twin?)
Tut was unaware of the fact that everyone on earth was twinned with one of his people. Hazel was a very clever young girl. Her earth age, was 20. She had the mental capacity to do anything she wished, but she was unaware of this, and just worked in a shop instead. She sighed as she picked up the can of peas. The scanner beeped as she ran the barcode past it.
“That’ll be 13.94 please.”
She smiled sweetly at the dark haired guy, who quickly tried to stuff the canned peas, in his carrier bag, along with the rest of his shopping. He handed over the money, and waited for the change. She felt her supervisor standing behind her, gave the guy his change, and turned around.
“Yes?” She looked at Sabrina with a narrowed stare.
“Tea break. Fifteen minutes.”
“Thanks.”
She logged off of the till, noted the time, and got out to let her supervisor take over. She walked past the queue, towards the back of the store. Once she was in the staffroom, she walked over to her locker, opened it, grabbed her bag, then headed towards the smokers exit. She knew it was bad for her, especially with her asthma, but she didn’t care any more.
She put one in her mouth, clicked the lighter, and took a deep breath. Looking at her watch, she wondered how it had already taken her 10 minutes to get there, when it was barely a five minute walk from the tills. She wondered where the time went, but dismissed it to daydreaming. She wondered what she’d been day-dreaming about when suddenly her alarm went off.
Had it been fifteen minutes already? It barely felt like five to her. She looked at her cigarette. She’d barely had more than two or so drags on it. It wasn’t even worn down that much. She sighed, put it out, then replaced it in the box and went back to the till.
When she got back, she had the strangest feeling of dèja-vous but she had it all the time, and saw no reason to question it.
“You’re early. You only went about ten minutes ago.”
“What? But my watch…”
Hazel looked at her watch. She gave up. The stupid thing was probably broken. It had been doing that a lot lately.
Later, when she got home, she slumped onto the sofa next to Roger, her boyfriend, and told him about it. He sniggered at her.
“what?”
“Nothing.”
“No, come on, what’s so funny?”
“Come with me, I’ll show you.”
He took her upstairs into the spare room which she had not been into since they moved in just over a year ago. When she walked in, she couldn’t believe her eyes.
There were wires, clocks, a computer, books and other bits and pieces everywhere, strewn around the room. At the centre of the desk by the bed, was a desk lamp, and a weird looking gadget, which Roger had obviously made.
It consisted of her old mobile phone, and a watch, somehow moulded into the shape of a möbius, and it had a second dial on the back (if you could call it the back).
“Roger, what have you done to the spare room? I thought you were just playing on the X-box, or playstation or whatever.. this whole time… But all you’ve done is make a mess!?”
“You know how I came up with the idea of a way to time travel?”
“Yes, an idea, that’s all it was. It’s impossible due to the laws of physics.”
“Well I came up with something better. A way to freeze time, and to steal it.”
“What? No. It doesn’t work like that, you can’t just steal time! It’s just… No! You can’t do it!”
“I’ll prove it.” He picked up the device.
.............................
Tut Blinked.
He looked at his gadgets.
It had happened again.
This time, it had been about 5 minutes that had gone missing. This time it had been different though. It had only been five minutes from one person. He pressed some buttons, and it gave him a destination.
He remembered what GOD had told him to do in the event that he should catch someone who was fully able to manipulate time. He took what he needed and left. He found their house, on a small street in a place called Manchester, England.
He pressed a button on his time device, and everything around him froze in its place. He walked into the small, terraced, red-brick house, searched all the downstairs rooms, then climbed the stairs.
He opened the door at the top of the stairs and walked in. He saw them both standing in the room, looking at the device, with some numbers on the screen. He got out the remote, pointed it at everything in the room, piece by piece, and as he did it each time, the objects vanished into thin air.
He did this until it was just the two humans standing in the room holding the time device. He took the device from them, put it into one of his many pockets, and then turned to face them.
He got another device out, scanned them both with it, pressed some buttons, and they were transported from the spare room, into their own bedroom.
He placed them both in bed, reset the clocks, and re-wound time. He erased Rogers mind of all knowledge of any meddling he’d done with time. Tut then hid behind one of Hazel’s teddy bears in her closet, and pressed the start button on his remote, and waited.
Hazel woke up. 5.30 am. She turned over to face Roger, kissed him and got up. She walked over to her wardrobe, got dressed, picked up her good luck charm, and went to work.
She took her little rubber duck everywhere. She couldn’t remember where she got him from, but he had these weird clocks painted on a little waistcoat which was covered in pockets. She named him Alex. She didn’t know why, but time always seemed to go a lot faster when she had him.
...............
As it was nearing 10am, Sabrina, her supervisor came over to her, just as she handed a guy some change for his shopping which had included a tin of peas.
“I know, I know, break-time, 15 minutes.”
“How did you..”
“Deja-vous.”
............
Tut went back to the Twin Dimension. He’d taken care of that problem. He looked at the device he’d confiscated, and threw it down into the room where all the other things he’d confiscated over time, had been kept.
There were all kinds of books, clocks, and gadgets there. He knew one day, that there would be too many people trying to escape or to find the ultimate universe and that he would not always be able to stop mankind from making the discovery.
Something about the whole thing, still didn’t add up for him: He knew there were things that GOD had not told him, and he knew there was something strange about Earth.
He’d always had sympathy for Hazel, and He couldn’t explain why she was his favourite human. He’d just felt connected to her. Not in a romantic way… Just… he felt protective of her for some reason.
GOD Smiled to himself, as he watched Tut spying on Hazel again. He knew that one day he would have to tell him, but he decided that now wasn’t the time. He chuckled in spite of himself. He hadn’t meant that as a joke.
He went back to his room, full of screens, and monitored his favourite humans again. He especially liked the religious ones, because they worshiped him.
Again, this was just another one of his ways of amusing himself. He loved the fact that so many people trusted and believed him.
What was the universe coming to these days?
GOD pressed another button, typed in a location, and Hazel came onto the screen.
………………
Hazel sat in the staffroom, staring into her decaffeinated coffee, and stirring it so hard, that it was creating a very strong whirlpool. She was so deep in thought that she didn’t notice a tiny black hole appearing in the middle of her coffee.
She was wondering why time seemed to slow down so much and speed up so suddenly without warning. She thought about it a bit more, and realised that however many times she thought about it, nothing would change. Every time she looked at a clock, everything was always normal.
She supposed that if there was a way to freeze time, but maintain it so that the person who froze time could still move, then no-one else would have any memory of it. Why then was she able to notice anything, and no-one else? And come to think of it, why was it only she who had noticed, and no-one else?
She was suddenly aware that she’d been stirring her coffee for the past ten minutes, when she felt a dull pain in her wrist. She put down the spoon, and noticed something strange about her coffee.
The small whirlpool she had created, was now growing larger and larger, and the coffee seemed to be disappearing into itself. She put on her glasses, in disbelief, and leaned nearer. When her hair was falling into the coffee, and down the centre of the whirlpool, the rest of her followed.
……………………..
She blinked. She blinked again. She closed her eyes very tightly, and opened them again. She was still there. She couldn’t believe it. She looked around, to find herself in a strange place, full of weird and wonderfully red and purple plants. She looked down and saw the pool of coffee on the floor.
The coffee was reacting very strangely with the ground. She felt relieved that it had not been caffeinated. It seemed to be pooling into strange shapes, and the small patch of ground it was on, was rapidly changing from one colour to the next.
She decided not to lean any closer after the last time she had done that. She was also relieved she had not drunk any of the coffee. She slowly got up, careful not to touch anything, and wondered why she wasn’t terrified of being where she was.
She had no idea where she was. She wondered if she had fallen asleep and if this was a dream but she knew she hadn’t been sleepy, and that she had most definitely been a work five minutes ago. She felt like she’d become some kind of Alice in wonderland crossed with Dorothy from the wizard of Oz. Only she was Hazel, and had no idea where she was.
And she was much older than they had been. She wasn’t so sure how old Dorothy had been, but she knew Alice had been a child of about ten, if that. Why was she wondering how old Alice and Dorothy were, when she was in some alien land?
To be continued on my next fit of inspiration.
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Elim121 reviewed Version 7 -
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I will say that the concept of steeling time is unique and interesting but the manner in which you are writing it seems more like a lengthy thought and concept rather than a novel. I would suggest taking some creative writing classes or join a critique group if you haven’t already. There are some fundamentals that you need to get a hold of before attempting writing out this story. This is only my opinion so it’s up to you what you do with it. Thanks.
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IrisLilian reviewed Version 7 -
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I like your opening! I mean, it sounded very interesting for me. “You see, when a split second is stolen from time, it is not just stolen from time, it is stolen from everyone who exists in time.” You know, I really like this sentence. I think the overall of the whole story is well thinking. I think I get most of the meaning you wanted to express. Some of your descriptions in the middle of chapter 1 still confused me but I thought I can pieced them together. But your story contained an interesting and different from the others. But in your case, different is good.
hellbunny reviewed Version 6 -
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Wow! This is definately one of the most original things I have ever read. I love the humor in this piece: “by flying his remote control hovercraft over the surface…” You have alot of great ideas, and you executed them well. You overused the word ‘time’, and at first, your sentences were to staccato. You don’t want things like that to distract the readers from this wonderful story. I cannot wait until the next installment. I’m looking forward to where this will go next.
Spud1000 reviewed Version 6 -
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I love your style of writing. You introduce some pretty profound concepts in a very offbeat style, which is refreshing. As for the bit you highlighted, I liked it a lot. The way you keep slipping into irrelevant details says a lot about Hazel’s state of mind at the time. The way you refer back and forth within the section (like with the plants eating people) also adds to the gloriously surreal atmosphere.
The single biggest thing that stopped me giving it a higher score was the way you structured it like a short story and then gave it a cliffhanger ending, which didn’t gel for me. If you’re planning on making it much longer, I’d consider giving the story and characters a more solid footing.
tanithsdestiny reviewed Version 6 -
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The concept is very fascinating…about time and Tut sounds cute. :)
However, I think its a little strange that a twenty-year old girl would pick up a rubber duck AND have teddy bears still laying around (unless they’re memorabilia?)
I like the coffee method of transportation. :P Very creative.
She blinked. She blinked again. She closed her eyes very tightly, and opened them again. She was still there. She couldn’t believe it. She looked around, to find herself in a strange place, full of weird and wonderfully red and purple plants. She looked down and saw the pool of coffee on the floor.
I’m not sure if this was intentional, but you’ve used the word “she” in the beginning of seven sentences and after awhile it tends to get repetitive.
Your description of the new world is very vivid and colorful. “Oi! You so much as pick up that whatsit, and touch me with it, and i’ll zap you so fast, you’ll be the.. the.. the emperor’s next meal.” Haha, that bit of humor was excellent. No book is complete with out a dose of laughter.
There ARE a couple typos and punctuation errors, but that’s perfectly natural.
revanwithin reviewed Version 6 -
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I must say that this pulled me in right away. It’s great that I didn’t have to wait at all to get interested.
“He often teased them, by flying his remote control hovercraft over the surface, so that men thought they were being abducted. “
I don’t know if I should find this funny or not, but it’s absoltely hilarious, God in a flying saucer. That’s quite a riot!
And I’m so dense! When Hazel said, “That’ll be 13.94 please.” I thought it was just for the stupid peas. But who knows with inflation and all.
And here’s what I thought about the part you want reviewed most of all:
Psychadelic! Alice and Willy Wonka together, and I can hear Ernie from Seasame Street singing, “Rubber ducky, you’re the one”.
This is really unique and interesting. Weird too, but hey that’s not a complaint.
chimchar214 reviewed Version 6 -
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She decided not to lean any closer after the last time she had done that. She was also relieved she had not drunk any of the coffee. She slowly got up, careful not to touch anything, and wondered why she wasn’t terrified of being where she was.She had no idea where she was. She wondered if she had fallen asleep and if this was a dream but she knew she hadn’t been sleepy, and that she had most definitely been a work five minutes ago. She felt like she’d become some kind of Alice in wonderland crossed with Dorothy from the wizard of Oz. Only she was Hazel, and had no idea where she was. REREAD THIS PARAGRAPH. YOU HAVE BEEN VERY REDUNDANT, ABOUT HAZEL NOT KNOWING WHERE SHE WAS. THE WHOLE PARAGRAPH PUTS TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON THAT. YOU SAID “WHERE SHE WAS” AT LEAST THREE OR FOUR TIMES. THE READER ALREADY KNOWS THAT HAZEL IS IN AN UNKNOWN PLACE. YOU DON’T NEED TO PUT TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON IT. I’M DONE HERE. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS REGARDING MY REVIEW, DON’T HESITATE TO MESSAGE ME.
The_August_Kid reviewed Version 6 -
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This was an overall pretty good piece. I didn’t think your dialogue needed very much work. Most of it was pretty good, some parts seemed a bit forced and unrealistic. I thought the ending summed up the piece well and wasn’t bad at all. I thought you did a pretty good job at it. I still think the writing is a slight bit lackluster in parts and needs definite improvement if you’d like to see this piece reaching publication. But it’s a very good attempt and something I can see making it in the further once polished and worked on. So just keep practicing and keep up the good work.
Nytefist7 reviewed Version 6 -
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It’s not obscure. As to your concern about the end being child-like, I think the whole piece suffers from this problem. The prose is simplistic for a mature reader, and the theme is too “strong” for younger readers. It’s mainly a style issue.
You have fantastic elements in this, it’s imaginative, you have a clear focus as to what you want to say and where you’re going with it. The problem is in the immature writing. Part of this impression comes from the fact that you seem to be telling a “straight up” story with an almost “fairy tale” approach.
An example: That not a single other alien race has a concept of time. That’s pretty broad and assumptive and unrealistic to me. Also, using words like gadget and hovercraft linked to beings of incredible power. This would be okay if you were doing more of a “HitchHikers Guide” or “Myth Adventures” style of work. As a general style it strikes me as off-kilter.
Now, the idea of time as a commodity to be hoarded and used, is full of potential. And you have alot of great, innovative elements incorporated into this. Your story interests me, your style turns me off. Good luck and remember this is only my opinion.
Reaper reviewed Version 6 -
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This was very interesting. I like the characters and story line, and your detail is nice, although, it feels like you’re telling too much and not showing enough. She did this and then she did that. Maybe it would read smoother if you broke it up with sentences here and there that just described the surroundings and don’t always include Hazel as the subject. It just gets a little overbearing at points. Of course, I’ve done that with my work before too. I do like your story though, especially what you have G.O.D. standing for. That was creative. I can’t wait to read more!
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