Poetry / Eyelids

I’m not sure where you were heading in this piece. I liked all the discriptions and overall the piece was good. I read it a number of times and I still dont understand where you went with the end… Your discriptions in the first two stansas are excellent, the second one being quite romantic… but the last ones, not so much.

Ya had me up to the puffer fish.  Crabs isn’t a great word to use in a poem about love and sex.  It was a great metaphor ‘til then.  Eyelids, curtains, doors to lips, etc.  I think this may be two seperate poems.  I really liked the first one.  See if others think the same.  

“a forbidden door gives all the pretty words away” Lock that one up or I’ll steal it.

Very good, but has even more potential!

Try to keep stanzas the same length, or establish a pattern (Long, short).  It will make it look much better overall and pleasing to the eye.

Very nice. I love your imagery. Over all this flows well, too. I especially was impressed with

“take all the deceit
out of long labored tailoring
and wrap the world in it’s own nakedness.”

I think the poem feels a bit unresolved, though. Perhaps that’s just me.

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November 24, 2007

by dancestandingstill

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30	M	Hyampom, CA	November 27

you are most perceptively correct Ultraviolence, there is a protracted space left for rumination and perhaps I could delineate the finer points that the ending eludes to, yet I wanted this piece to be more inspirational to the precipice of the readers ability to dive into the implications of their impressions, so perhaps you could share the violent pillow shreddings of your dreams in a kaleidoscope of crimson song surfing on sunset lips.  

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This is a very fun exploration of mystical experience.  You might consider more than just one period per stanza.  Case in point, stanza 1: punctuation would make this much easier to understand.  Aside from that, you do well at getting your point across, though I think the aquatic stanza is a bit too off-topic.  Keep working on it!  :)

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October 07, 2007

by dancestandingstill

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
168	75.0% (32 votes)	27.9%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
30	M	Hyampom, CA	November 27

thank you so much for the comment on punctuation, I will work on that.  I did do some experimentation but did not like the way things looked visually but I’ll give it another go with your thoughts.  

There might be another way to communicate the message of the “aquatic” stanza that is better than the one here, but I’ve always wanted to say “smile with the puffer fish”!

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Those are some awesome eyelids you have. I enjoyed this visual trip of skinny dipping in the ocean. The unveiling curtain eyelids, like a stage performance, brilliant. The only thing comes to mind would be to change give multitudes of mysteries -to- let go multitudes….