Journal, Diary, & Blogging / a love letter
you pathetic vicious vacillating ambiguous fucking cunt. don’t blame me for your feelings or behavior. I have never done anything but try to be nice to you and try to be there for you. you hate __ because of me? fuck you. you hate because of yourself and because you hate yourself and because you can’t deal with what you are. fine fine fine. denial craziness. let’s go suck some cock together!!! you wanna--oh wait, that would require talking to me. um…that won’t work. you don’t need friends like me--you know, the sort of friends who let you shit on them and still try to be there to listen when you’re emo about something. I don’t know what I want? are you fucking retarded? I said, in December, and that hasn’t changed. I recall a message: “when __ and I were outside doing stupid shit I realized I really don’t know what I want.” I didn’t send that. but you did. I didn’t play your back and forth games for months. busting a turnover at _’s. classy. (belt rebuckled. audible.) in the car, talking about __. still musty smelling. no time to let that settle before we bring the knives out. wet fingers--what? fuuuuck. “I hate that to you all I was was something sexual or better yet something for you to do.” whaaaaaat? “the thing is that I want to be with you and I can see myself being with you for a while and that scares me.” whaaaaaat? must not have FULLY UNDERSTOOD that one. it’s not that clear. choose to clarify? WILL YOU CLARIFY? sorry--it must have been something I did. squish! you don’t need friends like me. happy happy. you happy? I’M FUCKING SUPER! whatever you do, don’t fucking stop. “what makes you think I want to hear all of this?” WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I EVER WANTED TO HEAR THE SHIT THAT YOU TALKED TO ME ABOUT? but I fucking SAT THERE and SMILED and let you KILL ME and what the fuck did I get back? oh, I get treated like shit and like I’m the crazy one. I have my recordbook of messages, baby. remember voicemails? fucking voicemails. your fucking emo--crying--running away. let you get thisclose and then push you to here. far away. no penetration (proverbial, of course--proverbial). fucking huera. did you know that white people are crazy??? he made me so emo. why did he have to tell me he liked me? OH, GOD! AGONY! the worst: to have someone tell you they like you when they prefer someone else. know what would be HILARIOUS ? to kiss someone and start crying and 2 days later tell them you want to be with them and then that same night go get drunk and go down on someone else! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! and it would be even BETTER if the person you said you wanted to be with had to drive you both home after. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! that’s fucking priceless. man, that’s amazing. whoo! laughing so hard i almost want to fucking cry. nah--not that funny. and not worth it. what? you? “when did I say that? I never said that. I just said you weren’t worth me getting all yeah.” here’s my value judgment of you, sweetie: you aren’t worth the shit you’ve put me through. or are you? I guess I think you are. otherwise I would have given up. fuuuuck. crazy! i just PUSH too fucking hard. PUSH PUSH PUSH. grovel. no pride. on my fucking knees. want me on my knees? you can get me to do almost anything. you know that. well, no, I never did that, but you know…well, yeah, you know. ha. you wanna change your number? don’t bother, fucker. there isn’t much left to say. what a fucking tease. and I’m not talking in a sexual way--I think we all know that the one thing are AREN’T is a tease. keep em closed! I can’t I can’t! I think, personally, that I prefer a big wad shot down my throat. dribble. maybe just shot on my back. so impersonal, right? I WANNA FUCKING TOUCH YOU! one two three woosh exhale. I want to punch you, too. baseball bat. for months. your face: want to slap you or slam you against a wall and kiss you? fuuuuuck. why can’t I have both? oh wait, that would require you seeing me. fuuuuck. it’s so much fucking easier to just hate, isn’t it? fucking anger, man. what a fucking shame. what a waste. there was something so fucking real there. I could feel it. you know it (“I don’t want you to leave”--tears, discussion, anger, turning over and pretending to be asleep). ha. toss it aside. the one time someone really loves you…whatever. I don’t need it! fuck that shit! “I don’t give a fuck how I hurt you.” of course you don’t. you never actually cared.
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Okay. You raged and wailed and found your voice. Now use this to write with passion. Pour yourself into loving for the sake of loving and use it to write. Let the pain push you into writing about the love that filled you before the pain came. If you let this simmer down before your pen can benefit from it, then it might be lost in some sappy love story.
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All I can say to that – is I hate when one or two women have to bring down our entire species because they are friggin crazy. I hope you got away with everything intact because it sounds like you were up against one seriously crazy woman. One, who I might ad, is in serious need of a shrink. Good luck man.
I wasn’t quite sure of the gender of the writer or the written-to. Does that matter? (I decided on two women. Does that matter?) It does sound just like someone insane with bitterness and resentment, and the crossings out help that. I read them of course.
Wow! Thats about the only word that comes to mind. It sounds like you got some seious anger out through writting this, and if that works for you kudos. I dont really understand why you would want other people to read it though. but thats your business I guess. Well I hope things get better for you. Good luck.
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