Novel Treatments / This Time Tomorrow

I did like this, so this won’t be mean. I do think you could give us a little more information on why everything is so screwed up in the girls life- so far all you say is that she never loved her family. Well, okay, but why did she never love her family?
This was good, and I would like to read more.

I can’t believe anyone would tell you to “give up” on this talent that you have.  You’re seventeen and writing prose like a jaded thirty year old divorced mom of two who was just fired for taking home a pencil.  Just imagine what you will be able to do when you really are thirty.:)  But you do have a journey ahead of you to get there.

There are brilliant, original moments in this piece.  Let me start with that, but move on to what I didn’t like.  The first paragraph doesn’t have the feeling of the rest of the piece.  ”And when I smash it I want the glass all over everyone and I want everyone to bleed and cry and go away.”  I don’t like this line.  It’s too shallow for your work – I’d like to see you elaborate on it with some more descriptive terms.  i.e. Glass biting everyone, want everyone to hurt, etc.  Tell it from their perspective – you want your reader to know that you know how it would feel for your targets and you don’t care because you’re so pissed at them.  For the last line this paragraph, I suggest something other than brain – the brain is the gray mass of tissue in your skull.  Only diseases eat at it, not psychological ailments.  Consider mind, psyche, or, let’s get existential here, soul.  This entire paragraph could use a once over so that it feels more desperate and claustrophobic – the ideas are good, but I think this is where your tirade started on paper and as such, you haven’t found your voice for this piece yet until you hit your stride in the second paragraph.  Try reading the rest of the piece, without the first paragraph, and then reread the first paragraph, marking it up and writing notes in the margins as you go.

“because paper listens better than everyone around them”  That line is a gem and is one of the peaks of this work.  It pretty much sums the entire piece.  ”sticking pens through their walls to try to get a hole to the outside”  Another awesome line.  In this torrent of symptoms, consider changing the “their” to “her” at some point during it, it doesn’t need to be the beginning.  I know you’re describing this person you would be looking for to run away with, but your readers know that you’re actually describing yourself.  I think it makes the piece more personal using the pronoun “her” rather than this mythical “they” out there somewhere that we don’t care about like we do the author.

“he and Jim are two rich gay men with good jobs and nice hair” – Little quips like this are what make your writing endearing.  This is what you remember about these guys and what you associate with other thoughts – this is reality to you, and it’s unique to you.  That’s what’s so interesting here and keeps me reading.   “I’m the only good thing left in Colorado” – these characters really added flavor to this piece.  Keep these types in your writing because it keeps it fresh and alive – see Kurt Vonnegut’s writing for a good representation of caricature writing.  ”after I have obtained money from all the rich gay men of San Francisco” – even when you’re serious, you find the humor in things.  Another endearing quality.

“sit in a hot room with fake plants and unread books” – another excellent observation of the facade of psychology, and really a brief indictment of this society.  ”not to scream in the middle of a busy room. ” – I’d like to know what drove you to this point.  That is never explored in any of your writing.  We’ve only received hints.  Let us know.  Maybe in this piece, maybe in another.  ”simple proof of incarceration” – I think that “of” would better serve as an “in”.  ”leave my family I never loved and my school I never learnt from” – awesome writing and a great wrap up for this piece.

That last line I was expecting to be “And you’ll never know who I am.” before I finished reading it.  Something to think about.

I’m surprise you never thought of selling yourself into prostitution or the porn industry for money.;)  That would be the obvious choice for a young woman desperate for money – but that’s what makes your writing original and unique.  These thoughts have never been put on paper this way before.  This piece is a good accompaniment to the other couple treatises against society that you’ve put up.  I can imagine them strung together in a single novel or chapbook.

Don’t stop.

You certainly have the talent to be a writer.  This Time Tomorrow really displays your writing skills. I don’t know where you stand on the wiritng ladder but I certainly can say you are not a beginner.  This part of a chapter held my interest and hooked me from the begining.  I urge you to continue to write. Like anything else it takes practice, practice, and more practice.  You practice by writing.  I recommend that you keep everything that you write that way you can see your own progress.

What you may want to do is have a friend, not necessarily a critique group, read your writing back to you aloud. That way you can hear what you wrote and only you can know if that is what you really meant.  However, the one thing you can not do is defend your writing.  By the way, when I say not a critique group I say that because sometimes they can be very cutting and crewl.  You don’t need that, what you need is guidance and praise.

If you could focus this torrent into prose you’d be published already. Let the silt settle then pour off the top. You’re mixed up. The writing is good but the content is sort of naive, or young. You are capable of much more. Many of us are bored and spiteful of these United States of Generica and you express it especially well, with voice, but I’d like to see you round a corner. It’s true, you are fighting upstream, but you are still in the river of the masses. Find yourself a tributary. I think you write well, especially considering your age. I think you need exposure. Not your work …not yet. Move away from home, just don’t burn any bridges. Let the world impress on you and you’ll become impressive indeed. Find your niche. You have time.

I read your introduction first, let me say, I felt the same way you did when I was younger. I think my writing is unique just like yours. And your writing IS unique. I like it, It as a different feel to it then other writers and thats what you need to be successful as a writer, a different voice. As for this piece, I (sorry but my opinion has to come in somewhere) think it would fare better as a play, it has a sort of life of its own almost like a monologue. Since I don’t know you I don’t know your style but your writing is very good overall. Keep writing, and remember criticism is there for you to take it or leave it. It just so happens that the nature of criticism is a beast! Contact me on AIM: PennStateENGL

i liked it very much.  theres nothing to really say-it’s all written very well and does not need much changes. the story wrapped me in and i couldn’t stop reading it. very interesting. i liked it. keep on writing. structure is good. there is nothing i would change.  keep doing what you are doing!  good luck!

Honestly I liked it.  You do have talent, and granted it may be undeveloped as of right now you are still young and you have so much time to develop your talent.  Don’t give up!! If it i some thing that you love keep working for it.  Writing is some thing hard to do and get right especially since every one likes something different and so don’t listen to them.  Rest assured that you do have a talent worth developing.  Trust me even some thing straight up and blunt people wont understand and they will trash just because they don’t understand it.  Keep up the good work.  

You ask for serious treatment; I do you the honour of taking you at your word.

“To be understood” a 5, but on the strength of the last paragraph, the best of the lot.  Here we have something to work with, you Bret Easton Ellis-ite, you.  

As to the whole, edit, edit, edit. Muriel Spark, Google her if you don’t know of her, says pick 3 details.  No matter if a room, a person, a scene – 3 details are sufficient to convey what YOU see.  Boil the thing down to its essence.  If a word is not necessary – CUT IT.  America has an amazingly literate society – you don’t need to beat the dead horse into dust.

Vitriolic Note to Reviewers aside, I kind of liked this. It’s bordering on Emo, but at least it’s presented in a better way than usual.

A couple of mechanical errors I noted:

“when they could much easier just open the window” – when they could open the window more easily

“Writing shitty journal entries… completely and utterly uncontrollable” – I liked this section a lot, but you should replace the commas with semicolons. Using the commas turns it into a James Joyce-esque run-on sentence.

“I mean, how wretched?” – period, not a question mark

Good luck with this.

I’m not going to lie to you. I liked this, but I normally like dark pieces. Most people don’t get it. I kinda do, get the angst I mean. It’s a common thing,unfortunately. But you do capture it well. I’m assuming the character is supposed to be kind of erratic and emotional in behavior, which is why the feeling of the piece is so all over the place. I like it though. I really hope to see more treatments of this.