Thanks Mandy. Glad you liked it. With those few words you have made my day. Hope to check out some of your stuff some day soon. Cheers.
Hmmmm….note to self: become well-to-do author as soon as possible. lol.
(You know. It took me years to figure out what lol meant. and now I gotta use it as many times as I can). lol.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / World`s Largest Naturally Occurring Petrie Dish
Today it was so hot and humid that BarnBoy (the dog) and me decided, at our usual 8am house meeting, to act as if the whole world is a gigantic sauna. And we didn’t have to act too hard.
Here in the southern hemisphere we can see the hole in the Ozone layer from our back porch. We sit there every afternoon in stunned silence, lazily sipping our mango juices, watching wide-eyed and bewildered as rare tropical birds, high hopping kangaroos, and single engine aircraft are sucked up by ferocious rising thermals through the Ozone hole and spitooned into the far reaches of outer space.
This morning BarnBoy and I decided we would adopt a dress theme for the day to take our minds off the incredible heat and humidity. We each wore just a white towel, massage sandals, and we each carried a cowboy hat under our arms (or forelegs). We bleached our hair and combed it over from one side of our skulls to the other side in a kind of retro-surfer-dude-from-the-sixties wave. We didn’t just wear this get-up around the house either.
Oh no. We went outside. We checked the mailbox. We mowed the lawn. We waved at innocent passers by. We mowed crop rectangles into the neighbour’s lawn. We set up a lemonade stand on the street corner and gave lost tourists directions.
But no matter where the lost tourists wanted to go, we were sure to direct them down to the “healing waters” of our local lake. The lake is 200 yards from where we live, here in our sauna.
But it ain’t a lake you can easily cool off in. It is a shallow lake, and because it is shallow it gets incredibly warm incredibly fast. I have nominated our lake with the good people from the Guiness Book of World Records. I nominated it in the following category:
“World’s Largest Naturally Occurring Petrie Dish”.
When I say shallow I mean it is six inches deep at low tide. About a foot and half at high tide.
If you are anywhere near this lake when the outside ambient temperature is too high, like in the high 90s, or when, like now, the whole world has turned into one gigantic freaking sauna, then this lake is NOT the lake to cool off in.
For one…it is too shallow. I think we have established that.
For two…it is even hotter than the ambient temperature of the air around and above it. It is about the same temperature, though I don`t know how I know it, as the blood of any domestic animal.
For Three…if you walk out into this lake looking for the depth to increase, you will have to walk for about 1000 yards, in a dead straight line, before the surface of the water will start to reach over your knee caps. And even when it does….it is still hot.
On the positive side…of course….it has the whole “healing waters” thing going on. My darling wife says that if there is any alleged healing waters effect it is because of the Tea-Tree.
I have no idea what she is talking about. I thought tea grew in little bags that in ancient times were worn hanging from the ears of prominent society women, skank hoes, and the occasional male hairdresser.
But the healing waters are there, in our lake…. the largest naturally occurring petrie dish in the known universe.
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It is with these feeble myths and legends that I am attempting, single-handedly, to increase the property values here in our neighbourhood.
I have to do something to counter-act the deleterious effects on property values of Lawnmower Man, the Trampoline People, Crazy-Non-Stop-Talking-Lady, Car-Repair-Man, The Hoarse-Whisperers, Ghost-Who-Walks-On-Water, and Short-Distance-Hitch-Hiker-Guy, not to mention the gigantic hole in the Ozone layer.
And the only way I can think of to bring the real estate values back up to where I want them is to get a buzz going about the healing properties of the lake.
“It’s like a great jacuzzi,” I tell people, from behind the officiousness and authority of my white bath towel and massage sandals. “It also has blow fish and stingrays and even Mexican Meditating Fish.” (Shame is not my strong-suit)
BarnBoy barks his approval.
I point to large trees at the water’s edge and proclaim… “A year ago they were just strands of grass. Now look!!!!! They are trees!!!!”
“And these rocks, last year, they were but simple stones. It is a miracle.”
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One of our favourite pastimes, when we are not whittling wood or playing banjo, is watching the recreational boaters come to grief on the shallow waters of our lake. All sorts of vessels. Fishing boats. Speed boats. Sailing boats. Dinghys. Tinnies.
And when these boats run aground in that foot of water, they are, like I said, 1000 yards out from shore.
The casual and dynamic art of boating is not so cool when you come aground and have to lead your boat, like a dead dog on a leash, back across a kilometre of mud, sludge, sand and slime.
And when any of us sees a boat running aground in the outer shallows we immediately call the local catholic minister who then rings the village church bell 13 times. That is the signal for us all to make our way down to the water’s edge and fling superior smirks, insulting epithets, and rotten fish heads at the hapless mariners who must try to make it back to shore, and then have to reverse their car and boat trailer about a quarter mile out into the unforgiving sludge because they are sick and freaking tired of pulling the bloody boat all that way in the hot sun, with the steam rising up off the lake like a flatulent fog, and, whats worse, me and Barn-Boy, splendid and serene in our white bath towels, massage sandals and cowboy hats, leaning way back into our banana lounges, selling lemonade and brainstorming….something about wellness, healing, corporate wilderness camps, Survivor Petrie Dish….ah yes….the possibilities are indeed endless.
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wrtr4evr reviewed Version 1 -
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very very good, different then anything i’ve read. can you really see the hole in the ozone from where you live? did people laugh at you with the whole fifties, retro dude outfits on? that lake sounds fun. even though its really warm it’s sort of like a hot tub, i’d use it as my own personal bathtub. think about it-”world’s largest hot tub” you could pay people to go in. are there fish in the lake? probably not, its too warm. anyway, very good. i haven’t read a blog thingy on here yet and don’t no what it’s reall about but i thought it was cool. keep it up and good luck!
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trouten_m reviewed Version 1 -
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Shame definitely isn’t your strong-suit. lol. I hope you decide to go into writing fiction, b/c with myths, legends, and other tall-tales like you’re starting here, I think you could definitely do well….besides which, if you become a well-to-do author, it would almost certainly raise the property value in your town. :) Kudos. —Mandy
itacaregaucho reviewed Version 1 -
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You make me curious to know more about lake. I live in a touristic city and to see curios things, people travel to far. I can not write about grammar because I’m rookie in English Language, but your tale has a nice flow and I really appreciate when you describe the place, the environment.
keep writing!
Aloha!
Kidsturk reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s tricky to critique this because I liked it so much. The concepts behind the writing – the apocalyptic airs, the pessimistic yet whimsical attitude, the surreal, sunburnt aura that leapt out when my mind pictured the single-engine aircraft being sucked into space through the hole in the ozone layer – all of this was brilliant. Absolutely fantastic.
The ways in which it was all presented were a little loose and conversational in places to lead me to believe you’d snare an agent with this. Don’t get me wrong – it was only in a couple of places that I felt the leash you had on my enthusiasm loosen (the description of the boaters lugging their craft to shore was one of these times, because from a narrator-centric cant, the voice suddenly gave so many details of the boaters discomfort that I felt sorry for them, rather than feeling myself to be one of the gloaters on the shore, which is where I wanted to be!).
Excellent conceptually, can’t wait to read more.
PurlDruid reviewed Version 1 -
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This made me laugh out loud!! I could actually see you and Barn-Boy out there in the desert trying to find someone to buy your story. The repetition is wonderful, and the imagery is stellar. I really have nothing else to say. Thank you for sharing :} Apparently I need to write at least 50 words, so I’ll tell you my favorite parts: “We sit there every afternoon in stunned silence, lazily sipping our mango juices, watching wide-eyed and bewildered as rare tropical birds, high hopping kangaroos, and single engine aircraft are sucked up by ferocious rising thermals through the Ozone hole and spitooned into the far reaches of outer space.” This is one of the best lines I have ever read- truly.
Catastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a lot of fun to read. I like the main character (and BarnBoy, of course).
There was just the right amount of silliness and bullshit for this kind of story, and you presented it well. The narrative just rolls right along, never pausing long enough for anyone to call you on the exaggeratons, illogic, and outright lies.
Good job.
smash54 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is so fucking witty! I had to reread a few of the passages because I couldn’t believe how clever they were. You list getting an agent as one of your goals and I see that as a very real possibility. Hopefully one will read this and see the talent here. I wish I had some sort of remarks regarding changes , but there are none that I can find. Brilliant!
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