what about the poem causes you to assume it is about suicide? is there a certain word or phrase that communicates that to you?
Poetry / brink pink
alan was in my dream.
i wanted to save him,
but he was far too mean.
he ripped open his own head by the ear.
i could hear them squeaking loudly at first,
there was machinery in there,
then his thoughts faded away to silence as he let the skin fuse back
and smoothed down his sticky dark hair.
first thing in the morning,
to wash away the guilt,
i built a wave of neon colors.
it didn’t help my mood at all
so i sent an apology to him
message in a bottle style:
i wanted to save you,
but you were too mean.
sorry.
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gmemi reviewed Version 1 -
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Brilliant. Well done. Start to finish. Definitely one of the best pieces I’ve read on here. Subtle rhyming that doesn’t overpower, great flow, wonderful imagery. I want to be in your poets’ club.
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nelson1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure you communicated clearly to me, I can only assume the narrator had a child or dreamt of a child who tried to commit suicide, that the narrator thought was greedy so they did nothing to stop, the child Adam survived so you apologise indirectly for not taking action, but don’t regret it. If this is the case then that is what I understand the poem is about , if not then I really don’t understand this writing, and I read it a few times. Obviously the punctuation and capitalisation is your style so I’ll not comment. The rest of the poem about squeaking and machinary makes no sense. It’s too abstract for me to work out.
filbert reviewed Version 1 -
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There is something about breaking away from rules of grammar and such.
You don’t have to do that. Caps won’t hurt your poem.
It’s stressed how she wanted to save him, but he was too mean.
Sounds like this is a wife that’s been abused for quite some time, and she reached the point where she had enough.
The neon colors and the message in bottle sounds like she split his head open with the bottle.
madissonwilliam reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very interesting piece of work. I love the use of imagery. My favorite would be:
he ripped open his own head by the ear.
i could hear them squeaking loudly at first,
there was machinery in there,
then his thoughts faded away to silence as he let the skin fuse back
and smoothed down his sticky dark hair
It conveys not only a sense of a very angry person, but also one who is cruel, even almost evil.
I am interested by your line:
first thing in the morning,
to wash away the guilt,
i built a wave of neon colors.
it didn’t help my mood at all
I am not totally sure about what you mean by built a wave of neon colors, but this is good because it allows the reader to fill in the gaps for themselves.
The only part that I struggled with is the use of mean. It implies a childish nature that is absent in the rest of the poem.
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