Novel Treatments / Just a little fear
‘spike.’
...
‘look at me spike’
...
‘you cant do this to me spike’
...
‘spike i’m your best friend, you can’t do this to me’
‘im sorry char’
‘for what’
‘for existing’
‘don’t be’
‘i’m pathetic’
‘you’re not’
‘i hate myself’
‘you shouldn’t’
‘i do so fuck off’
‘i’m not leaving you’
‘you will, they all do’
‘i wont i swear’
‘bullshit’
‘stop it’
‘NO YOU STOP, YOU’RE AMAZING, AND NICE AND AWESOME AND BEAUTIFUL, I RUIN EVERY BEAUTIFUL, I. AM. A. MONSTER.’
she came and held me, it was warm in her arms, the coldness in my body started to disappear, my achy breaky heart throbbed in pain.
‘don’t do this’ i mumbled
‘shhh, its ok, i’m not letting go of you’
then for no reason i started to cry. i cried and cried and cried, i cried all the tears i’d cried before. i cried because, even now, in my best friends arms i was alone, i cried because no matter what i do i will always be alone. i cried because i was a failure and i deserved to die.
charlie just held on. she held on, she held on like her fucking life depended on it. she held on to a fucking monster. she held on the the destroyer of beauty. she held on, and i hated her for it.
‘i’m not letting you go’ she repeated. ‘i promise i’m not letting you go’
‘you will, you will, they all do, you will too, leave now i’m not worth it.’ i choked out in between sobs. ‘please leave, i’ll ruin you i will, i will, everything i touch turns to shit.’
she held me tighter. my head rested in the hallow between her neck and shoulder, the warm place where her hair falls, the warm place that will only last so long.
‘im not letting go. i promise spike, with everything i’ve got, i’m not letting go.’
i cry harder, outside it begins to drizzle, the world is crying with me, crying because of me, crying for me. i am a failure and i deserve to die.
her shoulder is drenched with my snot,tears, and sweat. she doesn’t care. but one day she will, one day she will look back and hate me for everything i was, she will hate me for everything i wasn’t, she will hate me.
they all do in the end.
they all do in the end.
in the end.
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Here’s the problem: I have no idea what is going on. Your grammar is spotty all the way through—you need to look up on how to write dialogue correctly. They’re arguing and upset and he hates himself and is crying, but I have no idea why. There is no build up or backstory. Some of the writing is nice. I do hope you try to expand on it and flesh it out to make the characters seem more real.
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Your introductory dialog was,well, not so hot. Not the words themselves, but the fact that it was thrown at the reader with no way of knowing who was speaking or even how many speakers there were. Also, capitalize: Beginning of sentences and proper nouns. including “I”
“I RUIN EVERY BEAUTIFUL” beautiful what?
“they all do in the end.
they all do in the end.” This exact repetition is not the best way to end your thoughts.
well i dont know if theres more befor this or not if so im got to have to go read it if not you may wonna reread this and add to it and well when they are talking to each other it would help the reader if you put who is saying what i wish you the best of luck with your story :)
~ Rene’
This is a toughie: I think it’s extremely well crafted in itself, the high-stylized approach bringing it back on itself at the end but I’d like to see more to get some kind of handle on where this excerpt would fit into a greater whole.
Such a lyrical approach to prose writing is to be applauded, especially today as people are encouraged more and more to pigeon-hole styles. Is this the opening, I wonder? If so it is a highly enigmatic set-up that what comes after will have an awful lot to live up to. I’d love to see more.
First, this isn’t a novel treatment. A novel treatment would give an idea of where you are going: the plot.
You’re written a scene from a novel. It’s not bad. If you want to write, and you don’t want to write a novel, you could start with flash fiction.
First off I’ll say for a fourteen year old, you have a lot of potential. I noticed a sense of style and creativity. This submission seems to be a fragment so I didnt really understand what the story was about. I noticed several fragments runoffs and over uses of a couple words.
Fragment, needs some rearanging- (‘NO YOU STOP, YOU’RE…I. AM. A. MONSTER.’)
Overuse of i cried. (i started to cry…was a failure and i deserved to die.)after the first couple the reader has gotten the point and starts loosing interest.
I think if u keep practicing in a couple years youll def have something published.
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