AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! That damn word. It should be shot. Or retired. Or made redundant or something. EVERY time I use wierd/weird I spell it wrong. I always think: “it`s ok. I know I spelled it wrong last time, but this time I got it.” And I always still get it wrong.
Thanks, by the way.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Lord Of The Frames
In other breaking news…..At long last, after thirty years of trying…I finally have destroyed my eyesight enough that I need to wear reading glasses.
Now, as everyone knows, reading glasses are the coolest invention and fashion accessory ever embraced by humankind. And I have tried everything in the past three decades to diminish my brutally acute sense of sight. I have NEVER eaten a carrot, for example, and I always try to keep my eyelids strictly open and non-blinking during sandstorms, heavy smog, nuclear attacks and while being struck by lightning.
And then finally, three months ago I went in to an optometrist and he checked out my eyes. Yes, he said, I should get some reading glasses.
Then he ushered me out to the receptionist/sales-freak and she shoved me in the direction of the $400 a pair eyeglass frames.
I said: ‘Four hundred bucks?! But they’re made of plastic.’
She said: ‘If you wanna be an intelligent and thoughtful person who is not ignored, ridiculed or shamed by all right-thinking people and tree-hugging do-good Metrosexuals, then you NEEEEEDDDD to get the most expensive….er….ah…trendy….er….ah….health-promoting frames that are available.’
And I have never been back.
That was three months ago.
Then last week I am at the kitchen table trying to read the newspaper when suddenly my wife says…’Darling, the newspaper is behind you…’
And we both realise….I really need to get some glasses.
We went down to the chemist and bought a pair of 0.5s for nineteen bucks. Sure, they don’t have that Parisean purple speckled tint to the frames that the four hundred dollar pairs have. But at least I don’t get any headaches and I don’t fall asleep at the computer any more.
AND…..from now on I can blink any time I like. If the reading glasses are on tight enough I can feel my eyelashes caress the glass. It’s wierd, like a textural equivalent of the sound of fingernails on a blackboard. But it reminds me of my achievement. Yes, after thirty years my eyesight is right where I want it.
If I am ever lost on some unknown island with a bunch of people who have perfect eyesight and boxes of water-logged matches, you can guess who they will turn to when the first camp-fire needs to be lit.
Little ol’ moi.
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joelville reviewed Version 1 -
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When I first got my glasses, at 20. I screamed and closed my eyes. I kept seeing my own eyes being reflected back at me randomly. It was frightening. So I liked your inclusion of adjusting to that feeling when your eyelashes brush the lens. I’m wondering if there was any other positive aspects to getting glasses besides being able to start fires and not having headaches. Was there anything positive at the optometrist, if so it would help to balance out the sarcasm and get the reader on your side.
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Nytefist7 reviewed Version 1 -
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Sorry, I just didn’t get into it. It seemed like you were trying REALLY hard to be funny, and it shouldn’t feel forced, it should just flow. I didn’t feel a personal connection to your piece either, because all your commentary is so over the top. Kept your eyes open during a nuclear attack? Come on, the joke is pretty good when we get to sandstorms, but then you hamstring it with the unrealistic exaggeration, which can work, but doesn’t here. I think if you can rein in the super fantastic elements, let more of your own real personal experience shine through, you could strike a happy medium and end up with a better piece overall. I hope this helps some.
a_sooner_girl reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s an interesting read. It reminded me of my first set of contacts and how different it felt to be able to see without the frames. The only thing I noticed was “weird” was spelt wrong.
blogorrhea reviewed Version 1 -
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this was very funny. i like how you are satirical and self mocking. the part with the sales-freak was hilarious. i really like how you compared eyelashes on glasses with nails on a chalkboard, i totally agree! i think with more pieces like these you could definitely get a book published, especially if you tie them all together in a narrative. thanks for posting this. (=
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice sense of humor. I would have kept reading if there had been more.
I can’t decide whether you are from the US or the UK. You’re talking dollars but then call the pharmacy “the chemist”. Don’t Britons say “the chemist’s”? You write anymore (adverb) as two words, which is a British thing (like per cent).
I did not immediately understand the humor in ’Darling, the newspaper is behind you…’
Proofreading remarks:
four-hundred-dollar (prenominal compound modifier)
any more, any time (In American English, these words are spelled as one word when used adverbally.)
wierd = weird (I’m so glad to see someone else make this error. If misery has to have company, it’s good to have company with a good sense of humor. The way I remember it now is to pronounce the word phonetically like I would in Tennessee: wei-urd) :)
campfire is one word
kyleblalock reviewed Version 1 -
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This reminds me of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis. He says somewhere in the novel about Luis’ glasses and how they weren’t even prescription. When I was a kid I always lied when they tested my eye sight because I wanted to feel special but now that I have them I know how irritating they are.
I don’t understand why you want glasses so bad though?
don’t have that Parisean [Parisian] purple speckled
And we both realise [realize] ….I really need to get some glasses
the glass. It’s weird [weird] , like a textural equivalent
MsMenozzi reviewed Version 1 -
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First off, you made me laugh – which is always good.
Second, you and I seemed to have the same ambition – to wear glasses! This, of course, made me instantly fond of the subject matter and endeared me to the piece. But that wasn’t strictly necessary, as your style is folksy and friendly and entirely accessible. Case in point: ”...reading glasses are the coolest invention and fashion accessory ever embraced by humankind.” I couldn’t agree more.
One small little nitpick – you misspelled “weird”. Aside from this, I can find nothing that doesn’t fit in perfectly with the tone of the piece.
Thanks for sharing it, you made me laugh out loud (literally).
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