Poetry / YOU

“Your eyes,
so sweet…

..they freeze me…

and your dimples…
....they hold me…”...that right there was really touching…i mean i can really feel the emotion and the feeling of being gazed upon with eyes and looks that just stun you and force you to notice and the being held in dimples is beautiful….kind of like being lost in adoration or admiration….love this joint….mad respect….Kwest.

Great job on this piece! I like this better than your other poem; the other one had a lot of meaning but was hidden by cuss words. This is much more gripping and poetic.
You could picture your son and the love you share with him. You portray a picture for the reader to understand and you allow them to escape into your poetry.
A little short though, but that is not for me to judge. It doesn’t really matter how long it is as long as what you have is good.
I particularly enjoyed the last couple of lines:
Once alone,
and lost…
...I am found in you
You gave it a big finish like your other poem and that is what most pieces lack: A dramatic ending.
You find creative and thought full things to write about. This one flows together rather well. I liked it for the most part and think you have great word usage. Keep on writing. I am eager to hear more!

I hope you won’t be offended by a couple of grammatical comments:  The first line should read: “As I open my eyes”
The second stanza: ”...As the sweat from my nightmares cleanses me”
I think you use “and” too much.  Consider taking it out in the sixth stanza:  ”Like the sun you arise, you brighten up my day”  ...same for stanzas nine and ten.
Stanza eleven, you don’t need the comma after “alone” – it confuses the meaning for me.
Otherwise, good job.  Nice mood.

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June 21, 2008

by jazzmussax

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
25	50.0% (14 votes)	15.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27			August 23

no thank you I a little flawed with the tech. but I love the art you know what I mean. I do understand what you mean but do you think becoming so tech will make it loss the edge I was going for?

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Awsome. Love the contrast of this poem. I also love the way you made it. overall its put together flawlessly. You made this amazingly, I am so impressed, you must REALLY love your child. Great job and best of luck to you!

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June 21, 2008

by jazzmussax

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
25	50.0% (14 votes)	15.1%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27			August 23

I do love my child and thank you for reading it you are the only one I truly understand this writing. thank you again.

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Nice. Though I am not a big fan of love poetry, this still grabs attention, it may be the dark currents that are there throughout.

this is an excellent poem you seem too be found by someone who you can trust

...As the sweat from my nightmares cleanse me…

Wow, the true weight of this sentence really freaks me out and then again it makes me shiver in a very dirty thought somewhere in my brain.  

When I read this poem I was instantly transported back to highschool, and to the memories of a crush I had on my mytical unicorn woman.  You seem to have captured of falling in love with someone without them ever knowing it.  Whether this was susposed to be about that or not I do not truly care…  I took it as I read it, and it really did bring back some painfully sad and slightly happy memories.

WOW! This poem is beautiful. You wording from beginning to the end paints a clear picture of your feelings. I love it.