Thank you for your comments. I agree; the dialogue is rather dire and forced. Definitely something I will work on. Thanks again.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Android.
The slither of light that entered the room disappeared and was followed by the opening of the front door. It creaked open slowly and quietly so as not to disturb anyone who should be sleeping. Quietly the door was shut and seconds later a key was turning in the lock. She slid from her bed fully dressed in her black coat and high boots that stopped beneath her knees. She darted out of the room and into the one opposite and over to the window. With her hands pressed against the window pane she looked down upon a man wearing a large puffy green raincoat and long brown trousers, who walked carelessly down the dark street. She pushed up the dirty glass of the window and crouched on the window sill. Not long after, she had landed gracefully from a ten-foot fall. Running quickly after the man, the girl decided it was best to keep to the darkest parts of the street though almost everything was covered in a coat of shadows. She let her eyes wander.
This was the wealthiest part of the city. All the buildings were grey and each one had a door on its hinges. Not a single light shone from any home but the light of the moon was enough for her to see by and stay on guard. Smash! The sound echoed in the still night. Desperately, the young girl stood the metal bin up right and picked the lid up from the ground and placed it on top gently so it would not rattle. The man stopped; he stood frozen. The girl ran from the dark shadows and stood behind the man, thinking it safer. Suddenly he spun round, holding a long and sharp blade with its tip millimetres from the spot between the young girl’s eyes.
With her hands clasped behind her back she said, “Hello Andrew. Is something wrong?”
In a hurried whisper he replied, “What are you doing here? I’ve told you, it’s dangerous!” With a sigh he put his knife back in its sheath. “You’ll have to come. I’m already late.” He jerked his head and the two of them turned into an alley. A line of men slept in a drunken stupor. Dodging them, they headed down a small flight of steps.
The change in atmosphere was noticeable instantaneously. Andrew breathed in the fetid smells and heard the raucous sounds. Treading through the pavement of sewage they crossed the street to a very neglected building. Most of the buildings here were neglected; at least, the houses were. It was very evident that the pubs and salons were well looked after with their blinding neon lights. Litter was everywhere. Not just sewage but drunken men, rats and homeless bodies littered the streets. The girl turned her eyes away from the horror of a dead woman, lying face upwards, organs missing and clothed with rats. Silently, she and Andrew headed down a narrow street and towards a dead end. “Where do we go now?” Putting a finger to his lips and raising his brows, he kicked a limp figure. “Agh.Wassamatta?” The figure had woken up. “Ah, Andrew! You’re late.”
“I’ll be even later if you don’t let me in.”
“Right you are.” The man the put his hand on the ground and lifted a trap door of metal, almost as if his hand was a magnet. Andrew lifted the girl and lowered her carefully inside. Jumping in after her, he picked up the strong smell of smoke and alcohol as compared to the stench of decay and sin that pinched his nostrils from outside. All eyes turned to the girl who stood watching the group with large, keen brown eyes. Then the laughter started. “Having a family won’t get you to the moon,” they joked.
”She just decided to come along.” Turning to her he added, “We have business to take care of. Jay’s up there through those steps.” He pointed to a flight of stone stairs.
“Okay.” The girl ran up the stairs, stood at the top and looked round. Her short black blew slightly in the breeze as she found herself on the top of a very tall tower that over-looked the ocean. Slowly she walked over to a boy who sat on the edge of the building. “Whatcha thinking?”
The boy, who looked a little older than she did, turned and looked at her, “Who are you?”
She smiled and replied in her soft and innocent voice, “My name is Hope.”
“Hope? Why Hope?”
“Andrew said this world needs some.” Hope answered in the same manner; her voice always carried the same serene tone.
“Ah, so you’re one of Andrew’s?”
Hope sat next to him and dangled her legs over the edge of the tower. “What is your name?”
“Call me Jay.”
Hope nodded, smiled, then looked out over the vast velvet cloak with the moon seamlessly embroidered on its dark cloth, contrasting with its brilliant light. “It’s so beautiful,” she commented quietly. She spoke in a whisper as though if she raised her voice she might disturb the ocean that lay before her and its enchanting blue reflection.
“Yeah, it’s amazing,” Jay also spoke with a hushed voice. With a grin he put his hands behind his head and lay down, “I’m gonna make it there one day. Hopefully soon. I’m almost there. Just need to hand in this last sack full and I’ll be able to get there.”
“Why would you want to go there when you have such a lovely place like this?”
Jay chuckled slightly, “You kiddin’?” Jay gazed at the moon. Never was there something so blue. “You’re looking at paradise. No crime, no war, no poverty, no pollution. Not a trace of sin. That moon’s the closest place to Heaven.
Hope’s eyes widened. “No bounty hunters?”
“Nope, they don’t need ‘em.”
Clasping her hands excitedly, Hope decided, “I’ll come with you.”
Sitting up, Jay looked at Hope sympathetically. “Only rich and important humans are allowed to go there. That’s why Andrew, the others and I have been working so hard.”
“Oh.” Her soft voice carried a sense of disappointment. Then suddenly: “Hey! Andrew’s been showing me how to make things. I could build a huge space shuttle,” she spread out her arms, “and we could both go together.” She wrapped her arms around herself in a hug.
Jay stood up, “My mother and father tried that. Of course, they were all slaughtered by men from Government Organisation. The hot air balloon was great but that was set on flames.” Jay clenched his fists and turned his gaze to the ground. “My family didn’t have time to save themselves.” He looked straight ahead but his eyes saw nothing. Trying to swallow he said, “That was in the past. I have business to take care of now.” He moved towards the set of stairs. Hope waved her hand above her head energetically. Jay smiled and headed down.
Jay’s feet shuffled and kicked up dirt as he walked down an unusually quiet street. Hauling a large sack he trudged on silently until a huge shadow loomed over him, smothering all the moonlight that touched him.
From behind, a beast of a man with square shoulders greeted him. “Good evening, young man.”
Jay turned round and his grip tightened on the handle of his large bag. His eyes fell upon the man and grew wide in horror. The pitch black uniform, the sleek combed back hair and the small shiny silver badge on his chest: Government, he thought.
“What have you there?” His menacing eyes looked suspiciously at the tattered bag that lay by Jay’s side.
Jay shrugged, “Just laundry.”
“Where are you taking it?”
“Home.”
The Government agent’s lips cracked into a grin as he snatched the sack out of Jay’s grasp with one hand and pushed him to the ground with a heavy blow from his other hand. He pulled at the string and tipped the sack upside down. Hundreds of pairs of lungs scattered at his feet and round the spot where Jay lay. Some were dry shrivelled and others were fresh and looked healthy enough to help a dying man breathe. “Do you realise that each of these is worth a large sum of tokens?”
Yeah. That’s the whole point. “Yes, sir.” Jay grinned, imagining the rage on the agent’s face if he had said what he thought.
“That is no laughing matter!” he boomed.
“Wait! Please don’t shout at him.” Hope bounded down the street towards Jay and stood in front of him. “He’s just trying to get to the moon.”
Jay shook his head slowly. Talking to him won’t stop him. The Government member thrust his fist forward in a punch. Hope put out her tiny hand and the man’s colossal hand hit hers with a loud smack that seemed to reverberate for miles. A crack was sent all over his body, splitting his skin. His Government uniform ripped and fell at his feet then his ‘skin’ flaked off in many tiny pieces, not unlike the paint peeling off the wall of an old building.
“How dare you?” Although he stood before them as a completely mechanical robot his voice still remained like a human’s. The machine’s robotic eyes glowed a dangerous red. Without warning, his mechanical hand turned into a grabbing hook and shot straight into Jay’s chest. An earth-shattering scream split the sky. Hope knelt by her friend’s side. The Government agent had gone, taking all of Jay’s precious pairs of lungs and an extra pair along with him. Hope was free to help her friend.
“Jay. You’re leaking.” She looked at Jay who lay on his stomach with blood oozing from beneath him. Hope flipped him on his back. The whites of his eyes were visible as his brown pupils had rolled back into their sockets. “Jay? Jay?” She pulled on his fingers and pushed his nose and pale cheeks in hope that she would find something to switch him back on. After several attempts she banged her fists against the ground. “Jay! What’s wrong?” She screamed in frustration as she realised. Looking at the whole in his chest it was apparent that a part was missing. She sat for a while gazing at her lifeless friends. In her head, all she knew was fear and frustration. Her unblinking eyes saw only lifelessness and could shed no tears. Hope grabbed Jay’s wrists together and began to drag his body through the street and back to the gang of bounty hunters. A trail of deep red blood trailed from behind Jay, like red wine that trickled from a spring in the ground. Hope dragged the limp body inside. All eyes penetrated through her accusingly as they sat by the dead figure, shedding soft tears that she could not. Andrew fixed his gaze on her. His eyes blazed disbelievingly.
“It wasn’t me,” Hope spoke in a choked whisper. “He just stopped working.”
“Stopped working?” One of the men looked at her through a cloud of cigarette smoke.
“The robot stole one of his parts and then took his bag. I tried to get him to work again.” Andrew continued to watch her sadly. “His circuits must be fried,” Hope suggested, trying to help.
“He’s not a robot! For God’s Sake, girl!” A bearded man looked up at her from Jay’s body. “Wait a minute, did you say a robot had taken ‘a part’.”
“Yes, Andrew.”
The bearded man looked over to Andrew, “His lungs are missing.”
“Damn Government and their scum organisation!”
“Oh Andrew! Isn’t there anything we can do? At all?”
“God’s Sake girl!” the bearded man yelled again. “He’s dead.” Hope looked at him in polite ignorance.
“He’s had a bad malfunction, Hope.” Andrew helped. “I’m afraid he’s worn- out.”
“Then, he won’t work again?” Andrew looked over Jay’s body, “Actually, I think there’s something I could do.”
“Oh really?” Hope clasped her hands excitedly.
“You can?” the bounty hunters chorused.
“Hmm…yes. I can.”
“But Andrew, you don’t have any of the tools. I’m no expert but I know you can’t do that. You’re an android doctor, not a human doctor.”
“Good point Mark. And that’s exactly why I can help. I have all the tools I need right here.” He placed a hand on Hope’s shoulder, who smiled gratefully. “With Hope, I can do anything.”
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AnnaElizabeth reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you should definitely work on rewriting this piece, it has a lot of potential. The descriptions are good, and the wording is good. The first paragraph is always important, I think you could rewrite it to be a little more interesting and more descriptive, other than that, its pretty good, keep working hard!
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RandyParrot reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a good idea, and it reminds me a lot of Blade runner. It needs work, but it has potential, and it would be interesting to see what happens next. There are a few bits which need tweaking, such as clarifying between someone thinking and somoene speaking, and narrative, for example:
“Jay shook his head slowly. Talking to him won’t stop him.” You could add ‘Jay knew that talking wouldn’t stop him’ or something to that effect.
Also, there are a few words missing where something has been edited such as:
“Her short black blew slightly in the breeze ” I’m assuming it should be black hair.
But other than that, keep on writing :-)
Reilly616 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it. As you have said, it obviously could do with a little polishing up. But the story is good and interesting, it holds the reader’s attention and it is a nice story. The main thing you should work on, in my humble opinion, is the dialogue. It seems a bit forced at times and not totally realistic. Work on it though, it has potential.
Slán leatsa!!!
domdom reviewed Version 1 -
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I did get into the whole plot of the story, i cant beileve you wrote that at 14 it does seem kinda advance for a 14 year old but you do have a story there. All i would say that it needs is abit more deception, there was some pieces of the story that did jump and you may need to fill in these gaps.
Such as the start of the story, i didnt understand what was going on in the frist 7 lines you did lose me there but i got back on track further into it.But there is a story there, i hope to read more
billyblueboy reviewed Version 1 -
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This was very well written, I thought. It didn’t occur to me at first that Hope was a robot, but when I did realize it I thought it was cool. I was left wondering what would happen next, so I’m curious if you mean to continue this story or not. I wouldn’t think it needs any rewriting at this point, just continuation maybe. You have good talent, if you wrote this at such a young age. Good luck!
Zakari39 reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmm. Some of the dialogue is very wooden – I know they’re Androids – but try reading it out loud to see if it sounds realistic.
The story is good – I’m intrigued as to why sets of lungs are such a valuable commodity, and why a Government Agent would confiscate/steal them.
‘The change in atmosphere was noticeable instantaneously’ – instantly is the right adjective. Instantaneously would describe the change, but not how it was noticed.
dark_cloud22 reviewed Version 1 -
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that was awsome! the telling was great. the opening pulled me in and made me think that hope was hunting andrew. the secret ehinds Hope was a great twist that i didn’t see comming until the government robot showed up and attacked her. then, her complete and total innocence really added to her character. one little knitpick is that you never describe the face,body, or eyes of andrew or hope. the face would give a face, the body, a structure, and the eyes, a window into the characters soul. but these can be described later. overall, one of the best things i’ve read in a while. keep at it!
Re reviewed Version 1 -
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What an oddly charming story! It certainly displays talent considering the age of the author. Since you are older now you may be able to jazz up that ending a bit. Otherwise I don’t see any need for major changes. I enjoyed it and it certainly made me curious about your more recent work.
Calypsoidal1 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was surprisingly above average, especially considering when you wrote it. You managed to create several fully-realized characters in a real world. Some of the descriptions on the way to Jay’s hole were redundant and clumsy, but other than that, the piece works (motive, dialogue, twists). I’m not sure the resolution is as clear as it should be; it almost seems like Andrew’s about to take Hope apart. Also, I would have liked to have known her name right away; I’m not sure the vagueness is necessary or serves the story. But definitely it’s worth polishing up.
Mario007 reviewed Version 1 -
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You wrote this when yuo were fourteen? Wow, I remember when I was fourteen and my stories were nowhere near this good. It is definately worth rewriting.
I like the story you created an the world you set your characters in. It’s very mysetrious and interesting especially when you cut off the stroy at such an intense point. Hope seems to be very believable in her actions when she thinks as an android. I like that.Even Jay is a pretty nice character and I like the way you got his backstory across very quickly, not going into too much detail.
One thing I would definately change is that you should establish a viewpoint character(s) for this story. You don’t allow the reader to enter the minds of either of your characters. Of course at the beggining it is accpetable as Hope is an android and as such wouldn’t think about the actions as much as humans, maybe she’d even alck some emotions(if this is the case I would start off with Andrew rather than Hope). The reader must feel wht the characters, must know how they feel and what made them feel this way. Only then can we relate the the characters.
But besides that you’ve done a very good job on showing rather than telling and as I said the story itself seems really cool and interesting.
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