thanks for your kind words.
Poetry / Liars Can Be Honest Too
If deception made for a pretty gift,
I’d call myself the nicest man on
earth and tattoo it to my heart,
then leave my scent to linger upon
your neck tempting the sky around it
to torture your feelings dry;
So that when the drought came,
I’d offer a basin of deceit, playing
the lead role of the gentleman.
I’d open entrances for you that
led to places you never wanted to go,
watching as you stumble between
the corridors of where you
thought you were and the hell
that you’ve always actually been in.
By then you couldn’t stand to
let go of my all too familiar hand,
the kindest escort to our Eden.
I’d pull-up chairs for you that
resembled thrones to your liking,
wired with an option to eject and a
remote tied to my kind wrist that
out of courtesy I could never
allow your eyes to notice.
You’d sit down aiming to please,
unaware that it would be my arrow
to miss the apple on your head.
By the time our date was over,
I would manage to have charmed
your father for his blessings and
use what’s left of your heart as
the topping for our wedding cake.
Believe me, I’d lick my lips
at the thought, but in efforts
to become the kindest of them all,
with my back turned…
I’d cough the ashes of you.
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ace07 reviewed Version 2 -
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I really enjoyed this poem. It is beautifully and clearly written. I really think you have a talent worth shaping and should pursue a career as a poet or perhaps a writer. I also believe that with a poem like this you could publish a book of your own poems. Good Luck in the future.
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MoonlightxMoth reviewed Version 2 -
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Have you heard of purple prose? That is what I would call this, even though it is verse (and, therefore, technically not “prose”).
Your punctuation is a hole-in-one.
I’m a stickler for capitalizing the first letter in each line. (Sorry. Do not feel as though you are burdened and you MUST follow this rule. I just think it makes a poem look more professional – like more effort was put into it.)
Personally, I enjoyed this. I like this sort of writing, but not everyone does. Many find it cumbersome and / or hard to understand. I liked it, though.
I give you four and a half stars. (The missing half is for the people who won’t get it or won’t want to and for the capitalization issue mentioned earlier.)
Keep up the good work.
MxM
theangel reviewed Version 2 -
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Very scary that this happens in real life to girls and guys intentionally. I hope i never have to feel the hurt caused by a lose of a relationship. Evil is a good word for the character in this poem, unless there is another side that will be told in the future for his torturous pleasantries.
yang reviewed Version 2 -
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9 goals!? god, you’re killing me! i like this though, i’m still confused on what deception you mean. at first i was thinking one night stand, but getting father’s blessing it seems like a lie into marriage. if money’s involved some sign of that would be nice, or if it’s some other criminal activity. i think by liars being honest you’re talking about writing this piece, but i’m not sure. there’s something about the creepy, unique, and original writing here, but the specifics i can’t really can’t point out what makes this piece shine.(10 for the poetry)
AngelWilliams reviewed Version 2 -
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I think this is probably the best poem I’ve seen not just on this site, but in a long time. It was playful, but made you think, “what is the hidden truth in this?” I loved it and I plan on seeing more this in the near future.
pixikris91 reviewed Version 2 -
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well in a way i feel connected with this poem due to the fact that i too am familiar with the art of deception. I often feel the need to destroy others only in the hopes to rise above and be more powerful. though in the beggining i had a bit of trouble understanding the whole “leave my scent on your neck tempting the sky around it” I didnt understand that really. I find your sentence on “coughing your ashes” I like this quotation because to me it depicts somebody so consumed the need to destroy that every breath they let out is like the last soft whispers of another body conquered and another soul consumed. I dont know why this brings this image to mind but in this peice of work i find the beauty of deception and the comfort cruelty can bring. please dont think me twisted I am just open to the option of discomfort of others because in a way i know writing something like this were it write by me would be my own inner knowledge of exacting some revenge. I know this is a little twisted but this is just a part of me.
NeverSayGoodbye reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all, your poem covers all the basic goals that you want to accomplish with this poem. I’ll break this down one stanza at a time, starting with the tile.
The title fits this poem very well. The oxymoron is very good to discribe what you want to convey, which made me want to read it to being with.
First stanza:
“If deception made for a pretty gift,
I’d call myself the nicest man on
earth and tattoo it to my heart,
then leave my scent to linger upon
your neck tempting the sky around it
to torture your feelings dry;
So that when the drought came,
I’d offer a basin of deceit, playing
the lead role of the gentleman”
You’ve decieved someone and compare it to being the nicest person, if deception was a ‘pretty gift’. When this person, which im assuming is a girl, is lost without hope, you play your part attempting to fool her being a gentlemen.
“I’d open entrances for you that
led to places you never wanted to go,
watching as you stumble between
the corridors of where you
thought you were and the hell
that you’ve always actually been in.
By then you couldn’t stand to
let go of my all too familiar hand,
the kindest escort to our Eden.”
She grew to love you or to have feelings for you and lied to her, but she was blinded by her feelings that she has for you, and doesnt want you to leave her.
“I’d pull-up chairs for you that
resembled thrones to your liking,
wired with an option to eject and a
remote tied to my kind wrist that
out of courtesy I could never
allow your eyes to notice.
You’d sit down aiming to please,
unaware that it would be my arrow
to miss the apple on your head.”
You have the power to tear her down at any possible moment. The apple on her head is very good discribtion.
“By the time our date was over,
I would manage to have charmed
your father for his blessings and
use what’s left of your heart as
the topping for our wedding cake.
Believe me, I’d lick my lips
at the thought, but in efforts
to become the kindest of them all,
with my back turned…
I’d cough the ashes of you.”
This stanza confused me. You dont like her, but your tricking her father into letting you marry her? Is he marrying her for money? Please comment that.
I like everything else about it, but it made me have to think a little to much rather than showing me what you mean so i can picture it.
Trent_Herzog reviewed Version 2 -
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I must admit I didn’t like this poem, but for all the right reasons. It left me feeling cold and prompted at out burst of ‘oh my god’. For this reason the poem worked extremely well for me.
I loved the idea of the scented neck being tortured, excellent, excellent
I did feel the third verse was less strong than the others and could do with more work.
The ending is magnificent you cold-hearted bastard, well done indeed.
Art and poetry is meant to move us and provoke a response, whether positive or negative, this poem certainly does that and for that reason it works
I look forward to ready your other poems.
mfrost reviewed Version 2 -
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You have created an interesting character here. I like that. But I question your choice of meter. You’ve chosen to flatten your verse to prose in places (at the end of line two, for instance) that seems to run counter to character creation. I would think a more structured meter (as Robert Browning used in “My Last Duchess”) would help reinforce your character description. Your strong use of language and metaphor compensate for the meter, so I think you reach your overall goal. But shouldn’t your meter compliment the other elements of your poem?
Naushad reviewed Version 2 -
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This is the work of a poet who knows his job. The poem is a beautiful account of one who wants to marry someone. The emotions are well expressed. The metaphors are good and so is the general movement of the lines. It seems to a something between metaphysical and modern poetry.
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