Thanks for that “6ft2” tip, I actually didn’t know that and another concurs so seems like you’re right. Glad you enjoyed the piece and thanks for the kind words.
Short Story / One and Two and Three and Four
“Okay, so what happened between you and James last night? He said you hit him?”
“More like a slap.”
“Well, he said he felt like his face was broken.”
“Tell him I said stop being such a fagot.”
Silence.
“Okay Isabel, what happened?”
“I slapped him.”
“Why?”
“Because he deserved it.”
“What did he do or say to deserve it?”
“He was being dumb.”
“How?”
“By being himself.”
Silence.
“Okay fine, I’ll tell you. Do you want the 60 second version or the 10 minute version?”
“Give me the 5 minute version, I gotta go back to work.”
“Alright, so I did the photo shoot from hell yesterday, the whole time I’m thinking, ‘Damn, I’m gonna need a drink after dealing with this asshole photographer who pretty much screamed at me and the other models for 6 hours.’ I don’t even say anything to the guy so I’m fuming, right. I call James up even though I know he’s at work and I ask him to take his lunch break when I get there so we can go get a drink someplace and he agrees. I get there and the fucker tells me that he started his lunch 45mins earlier and we only have 15 for me to get drunk. So I’m fuming right, but whatever, I don’t say anything. I just look at him and he tells me the managerial powers of K-Mart made him take his break when he did and I forgive him or whatever because it sucks to work at K-Mart and I feel bad for him having to bring it up. So he offers to go with me when he gets off work and we can have a few drinks instead of just one and I say, ‘that’s what I meant anyway’ and he laughs because he finds my relationship with alcohol amusing. “
“You do drink too much.”
Silence.
“Not even – at that point I hadn’t had a drink since the day before at work and I still haven’t now.”
“You drink at your day-job?”
“I spruce up my Starbucks every now and then. Whatever, focus please.”
“Isabel.”
“Was that an ‘Aww you’re so sad ‘Isabel’’ or an ‘Oh my god, ‘Isabel’’?
“It was an ‘Oh my god, you’re so sad ‘Isabel’.”
“Whatever Nadine, don’t piss me off. Let’s get back to the story. So, I have absolutely no idea how but he manages to convince me to wait till he gets off work at 11 but it’s just 8:30 and he has to go back to work now and I leave thinking it’s only an hour and a half to kill because I’ve always been bad at math. So I go to Starbucks, buy a low calorie drink and call everyone in my phone book to kill some time and I tell them all I’m waiting to hang out with James and ask if that’s needy but only Cassandra catches that it’s not an hour and a half but 2 hours and a half and I pass a kidney stone, I’m so upset. But whatever, by then an hour had passed and I figure I only have an hour and a half left even though I’m fuming, right. On that note, while at Starbucks, I notice this tiny Asian chick who comes up and sits at the table next to me. The soles of her shoes are red which means that they’re Louboutin which means that they’re fabulous. Moments later, this dirty looking homeless guy comes in and sits right at her tiny table, right beside her and she doesn’t budge. She just looks up at him then looks back down at her parfait and takes a sip from her cup. Yup, tiny Asian bitch is badass. The homeless guy goes nuts bitching at how long the line to the bathroom is till a poor barista is sent over to ask him to leave. He cusses the barista out on his way to the door, all the while the tiny Asian chick sits there with her legs crossed, showing off her soles, and sipping from her cup.”
“Listen, I don’t care anymore, I gotta go.”
“Okay, okay, okay, okay, I’m almost done. So I get kicked out of Starbucks because they’re closing and I decide to go to the Virgin Omega store in Union Square and listen to some crap and look at porn in their adult section. The ones they call coffee-table books. I get a female boner looking at The Book of Butts which also featured Penis and I feel obligated to buy something since I’ve been there so long so I buy that Rockabye Baby: No Doubt CD because I’ve pirated the entire store off the internet anyway and that’s about the only thing there I don’t already have. On my way out I stop to play some Middle Eastern CD at one of those kiosks they have with the humongous headphones and that kills 15 more minutes. Somehow, I walk out with the Middle East Beats CD and I don’t even realize for two blocks because luckily nothing sounded off.
“Wait, Britney Spears?”
“No – Middle East Beats. If it was Britney I would have brought it back. But anyway, I feel horrible because I’m a lot of things but I’m not a thief and I’m there walking with the CD thinking, ‘Oh my God, black people really do steal – even subconsciously’.”
“Isabel, I’m white; I can’t respond to that.”
“Okay, So I keep the CD and it’s 11 so I start to walk back to the K-Mart. I can’t believe he works at K-Mart. He calls on my way there and I’m thinking, ‘Yay! I don’t have to walk the entire way’ and ask him to meet me on 15th but he said his feet hurt so I should meet him on 18th. So I’m fuming right, because I’m in cowboy boots and my feet hurt more, I’m sure, but I do it and meet him where he wants.”
“Cowboy boots are over, honey.”
“I know but I still think they’re cute and mine are metallic which is hot right now so it could go either way. Anyway, once I’m there, we realize we have to walk back to 15th anyway because the ‘F’ train entrance is closed. The entrance he was standing in front of and didn’t bother looking at, by the way. The train takes three days to come and it’s humid underground and he’s talking about his fucking day at K-Mart and I swear, I feel as though that’s what’s making it so God damned hot but I don’t say anything even though I’m fuming – literally. We make the mistake (and by ‘we’ I mean ‘he’) of getting off a stop early so we had to walk about three more days to get there. So we’re outside the Club he wanted to go to and it’s closed because it’s Sunday, or whatever, even though I wanted to go to a bar but he felt like going to a Club and I didn’t feel like arguing. I just wanted some Sambuca and I didn’t want to drink alone like a loser which is the whole reason I called him in the first place. We walk back to the train station and decide to go back uptown to another place that’s definitely open on Sundays and while at the door, homeboy decides to remember that he doesn’t have any ID.”
“Isabel, pause for a sec, I’m getting another call – It’s him.”
“Okay.”
Silence.
“I’m back.”
“What did he say?”
“Don’t worry about it. Go on.”
“But yeah, a 6ft2, 25 year old black man in NYC is walking around without I.D. I hope he gets stopped by the po-po real soon. And y’kno what? That’s not even why I’m mad because I know he doesn’t have an I.D. and usually uses his fucking passport to get into places. What got me was the look the bouncer was giving me as he asked all annoyed, ‘In or out guys, c’mon?’. So there we were standing there on the sidewalk with our asses out and you know I’m fuming, right, but even worse, I’m embarrassed.
“Then you slapped him?”
“No, I went through his wallet. He had a Food Nation receipt dated January 05, a half a stick of flattened out gum, an expired strawberry flavored condom too big for him, a sample pack of K.Y. lubricant which I took, his fucking birth certificate and a whole bunch of movie ticket stubs. Movie ticket stubs and no fucking I.D. Then you won’t believe what he asked me next – you’re gonna shit!”
“What?”
“He asked me if I thought the bouncer would take a combination of his banking card which has his picture on it and his fucking birth certificate.”
Silence.
“Was he serious?”
“I don’t know, but I was when I punched him in the fucking face.”
“I thought it was just was a slap?”
“It was a punch. A hard fucking punch and he went down fucking hard and it felt real fucking good.”
“Oh my God, Isabel. Where did you even learn to throw a punch?”
“From my work out DVD’s. It was step 1 in the 4 part ‘punch, elbow, kick and groin attack maneuver’. And he’s lucky I didn’t follow through with 2 and three and 4 and maybe even 5.”
“So what then? You just left him there?”
“Yup, but you know what?”
“What?”
“I didn’t need that drink anymore.”
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malapropist reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting voice piece. Isabel’s characterization is pretty solid. Couple of tigs you might want to consider:
The early dialogue is too much back-and-forth. It slows down the narrative quite a bit, and doesn’t add to the characterization. They can get to Isabel’s monologue quicker.
Even though there’s no narration, there should be some dramatic action. This is a story about waiting, which would get someone annoyed, but some interesting stuff needs to happen other than watching an Asian girl coolly deal with a hobo.
The reveal about Isabel’s ethnicity was handled well. Think about revealing other characteristics, not just physical but also things she likes and is into. Is she arty? Is she a club girl? Does she have a close relationship with her parents? Whatever you want to include, but having it slowly revealed through fairly natural conversation is good.
Isabel’s friend, the other voice, isn’t very strong. If she’s speaking, she should have some characteristics other than being the “straight man” to Isabel. She doesn’t need a name or need to be as dynamic as Isabel, but give her some personality.
When James calls in, it sets up some tension, which is deflated when the friend says “Nothing.” You don’t need to have soap opera, but consider it a way for James to bring his voice into the piece. Or else cut it out entirely if you don’t want to deal with it. But bringing him up and then not doing anything with it isn’t thee best way to go.
Overall a good story. You should be proud of it. Dialogue is difficult. Good luck with this.
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LexiLane reviewed Version 1 -
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So while it’s not bad by any stretch, I guess I’ve discovered that I don’t like stories without any narrative or descriptive writing. It was too difficult to get a real grasp of what was happening – maybe because I had nothing to picture? I think it’d be just fine for someone who has no problem with that.
RhapsodyRead reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a very interesting story. I don’t think I’ve ever come across a story told all in dialogue. At first I wasn’t sure it would work, but by the end of your story I had a clear image of Isabel. My favorite line in the story,”I leave thinking it’s only an hour and a half to kill because I’ve always been bad at math.” Well done!
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the use of “Silence.” It distinguishes that a breakdown in the conversation has been made.
This is a one of a kind piece (at least that I’ve read) on Urbis or anywhere for that matter. The lack of dialogue attribution tags doesn’t bother me because so far, it’s only two people doing the talking. Furthermore, this reads very realistically, like an actual conversation that was recorded and then transposed onto paper. And as is true in real-life conversations, there’s a fair amount going on underneath the surface (or subtext) that the reader becomes immediately aware of despite the character’s seemingly unconscious attention to it.
I find Isabel to be hilarious and neurotic. I really like her.
”..I get a female boner…” Haha!
She’s fuming. Most times word repetition is bad, but in the context of this piece I think it’s perfect.
““But yeah, a 6ft2, 25 year…” Don’t use the numbers in dialogue. Spell them out, ”... a six-foot two, twenty five year-old…”
Haha! What fucking great way to end this – With a punch.
I have to admit, when I read “experimental” it kind of freaked me out… But once I got into it, I was there. This is a great piece and I think your decision to stick to dialogue alone was bold one, but it really paid off. Good intuition.
It was fast-paced and very enjoyable to read. Good work.
-Curt
lluuiiissaa reviewed Version 1 -
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i really liked your dialog experiment. it brings depth to the characters. the description of the starbucks characters were very realistic as well. the fact that your character was black didnt seem to fit because she generalized black people yet she in no way was a stereotype. she seems a little off the wall with a temper but she has no black flavor to her voice, which is neither a pro or con. yet later she uses the term homeboy. from thence on her character voice fits her character. this would be even more funny if it were to be acted out. this didnt need any narration at all because your main character laid it all out plain and clear with a funny twist. the language was realistic and true to the time. in the beginning i was a bit confused as to who she was talking to . it almost sounded liek a shrink but as the story progressed it became evident it wasnt.
1DamagedIndividual reviewed Version 1 -
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I haven’t laughed so hard in awhile. This story employs dialogue and dialogue is my favorite part of writing. I thought there could have been more physical description of the characters. What did Nadine and Isabel look like? I wanted more of that so that I was more grounded within the story. At first I thought that they were speaking face-to-face but apparently they were on the phone. With some more clarity and description, this piece could be excellent.
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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When the narrator is talking about the Book of Butts, and she says that it also features “Penis” grammatically you shouldn’t capitalize the word. I get the feeling, that since you’re writing a conversation, you’re trying to show her emphasis on the word, so if this is the case it’s fine. You’ve also italicized some of the proper nounds, but not all of them. What are you trying to show by emphasizing them this way?
I liked the conversational tone of the piece; the witty back-and-forth banter and asides about fashion made this seem quite like one friend telling the other an anectdote. I’m glad that the narrator asked herself why she was trying to hang out with a guy from K-Mart, especially considering that she’s a model. I think that a piece of information that explains why she wasn’t trying to hang out with a more available and more socially exceptable friend, especially considering that she seems like the type of girl that would care what a guy’s job is, would be useful.
FireAtWilll013 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this. I think its really cool how you write it, cause the sentences run like the woman is just talking without a breath and won’t stop, lol. Hopefully, you were going for that. Also, I like how you include the random little deviations from her story, like her mind is wandering. I do that so much, so it makes it more realistic to me. I actually just really like the whole story line. I think you have a really good, well formed story. I like how your ending and beginning are the same, yet different, and how she eventually admits that she punched him. Women should punch more, lol, not little slapps like a pissed off prissy girl, lol. All in all, I love it.
=)
Zakari39 reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice. Very good flow – especially Isabel’s ‘train of thought’ style of speech – very much how people seem to be going today. I half expected her to come out with something like :’Shut Up!’ – as a surprised response…
Good story – amazing how much detail you can make over a simple slap (as it appears to be at the start!).
Honesty1 reviewed Version 1 -
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I have never met anyone who speaks as Isabel does, thank God! She is definately long winded. Your character is very believable and the way you unravel the story is encompassing, once I started reading, I had to know what happened. I love how you tied it all together with the “punch”line at the end.
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