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Haiku/Senryu / morning's dewdrops
The morning’s dewdrops,
In a falling caress of life,
A green leafs goodbye.
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ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 3 -
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Interesting metaphors. Nature: yes.
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ashkrafton reviewed Version 3 -
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Very beautiful image. I think that you can pack even more effect by subbing out the articles for stronger words. It would make this fantastic poem even better. You have written beautiful poetry.
haikudo reviewed Version 3 -
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Dew condenses. It does not precipitate. Nor does it evaporate. 1 for technical skill. 10 for emotional manipulation. You have a keen sense of moment, and a wonderful eye for fluidity, it’s just that your directions are bass ackwards. I don’t blame you for this, but Basho said “If you want to write about trees, go to the forest.” Me in a bad mood, I guess.
Sean_Allen reviewed Version 3 -
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I liked this haiku. I felt like it was talking about a lot of things, but mainly positive interactions between people. That’s a pretty broad topic, but you could look at it a lot of different ways. A ‘caress of life’ makes me think of a parent and a child, but it could just be a life-changing friendship, etc.
To improve, I’d suggest removing some ‘unnecessary’ words like ‘the’ and ‘a’ and replace them with ‘useful’ words that will help clarify your meaning or add new dimensions. That way you maximize the bang for your buck, syllable-speaking.
filbert reviewed Version 3 -
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I’ve seen that kiss between dewdrops and leaf.
Reading it the fouth time, I felt a sadness, the sadness produced when you say goodbye.
Dewdrops and leaf personified.
Doctor_Rat reviewed Version 2 -
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I think this is a classically poignant image … and quite “Japanese” in its sensibility and imagery. Sweet. So apart from the technical points that others have picked up, not much to add. Suggest losing the “in” at the start of second line and seeing how it feels then … and “leafs” need an apostrophe, I think. What do you reckon?
ThomasAlan reviewed Version 2 -
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You’ve come up with a good image that has lots of potential, but I think you need to trim away excess syllables and give yourself more room to explore. Get ride of: line 1--The; line 2--in a, of; line 3--a. Next, try something like putting the word “fall” after “dewdrops” in line 1 (now that you have an extra syllable). OK, now you’re on your own--but see what that can do? You can take what you already have--which is a beautiful moment--and ADD to it.
Give it a try?
ScottBJohnson reviewed Version 2 -
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It is about nature. It is poignant. You have 8 syllables on your 2nd line though.
filbert reviewed Version 1 -
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5-8-5
Don’t need caps on lines 2 & 3.
Good imagery-
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