Poetry / Will you?

I think this piece has potential as a starting point or first draft.  The thoughts are clear, but it feels as though the ryhme scheme is forced and that some feelings is sacrificed in the effort to keep something of a ryhme pattern going.  Sometimes, it’s worth not ryhming to express intense feelings and/or images.  I don’t have real suggestions for word choice or possible line changes…I could make some suggestions, but I feel the best thing I could say is what a friend once said to me about something I wrote years ago: “You have to put yourself out there more…make yourself more vunerable…stop protecting your own pain…and then you’ll have it.”

i can relate to this poem. It clearly tells of wanting a realtionship that lasts and i think that will  attract an audience. I enjoyed reading, and im sure that others will too.

I really like how this poem is told. As I read it, I could sort of feel the feeling of the poem of how I looked at it. I know that my feeling and the writer’s feeling is usually not the same, but this poem conveys alot of feeling, and I really like how it does that. I’m usually just a person who goes by content, but I really like the structure too!! Very well put together! I’m really looking forwar to reading more of your writing!

I have been in this place. And your writing portrays that feeling of distrust and cynicism quite well. It’s hard to take a chance on love, and even harder to put that feeling into words. You have done a wonderful job of the second!

But you insist I have a taste,   This line seems out of place…like it should be in the phrase above and not starting off the next piece where it has nothing to do with it.

When I cry for help,
Will you hear the sound?    I know you want this to rhyme with ground I just don’t think its a strong enough line to be in the piece because I beieve it should be voice and not sound…so than it wouldn’t fit.

Will you lie     Maybe try: Would you lie

Laughs as you watch,   I don’t get what this means to the piece

don’t even bother trying,
because I’m sick of all the pain,  I thought it was abeautiful piece until I get to these two lines and the choice of words to me just don’t relate to the rest of the piece…The tone is different. I think this is a wonderful piece…great job.

i think that the use of R.Q’s make this piece really intersting; good use of repetition.

my little sister thinks this would make a really good screamo song, have you considered writing material for bands in your area?

(Y)

I like the questions…
‘Will you hold me tightly,

When I need your support?’
The questions tend to get overpowering though.  Life is full of questions and answers.  Maybe a piece that has something added with answers to those questions.  It feels like you pulled it all together with the last lines including,
‘If you aren’t willing to do this,

don’t even bother trying,’
A little advice, love isn’t worth the pleasure and pain if it isn’t worth the risk.  You have to risk answering the questions even if it does turn out wrong…

That was a gorgeous, gorgeous piece. Absolutely beautiful. Not exaggerating at all.  It felt so real, and whoever the reader is, they can relate to it. Keep writing poetry, keep writing.

Well done Angela. Is this poem from experience or just you being creative and writing from your imagination? Either way this is a nice poem and you seem to be pretty good at rhyming. I hope you continue to write.

This was very nicely written. It had a nice flow, altough the rhyming was mixed. I could feel the emotion behind this poem. I could see this published some where.