Oh, good review! Telling not showing…got it! Don’t know yet where I would downshift on the adjectives or expand, but this is definately something I will keep in mind for the next edit (s)!
Poetry / Mummy loves
acid words, honey covered, hiding arsenic
poison drippling, scorpions scurrling, eating
eating, eating sanity; mummy love, mummy loves—
voice soft, lilting, matronly—really loves y’all
quiet, placid, kowtowing and kissing our feet; loves
y’all silent stone, underfoot, groveling, face grounded,
ground into the ground, mouths filled with dirt. Do not talk,
listen: hear the love, y’all know we really loves y’all
bad blood and all, filthy, filthy, dirty childs
acidic scenes—iron skillet slung, hitting bottles, shattering
shards of olive green spinning across the feet, feet
sliced, souls diced, cutting deeper—loves y’all
lying mouths filled with dirt; lit unfiltered Camels
pushing into little boys’ mouths, little boys’ vomit washing feet
clad in shoes two sizes too small, embittered bile
stinging lacerated souls three sizes too big—loves
loves y’all, salt in acid washed, stone ground wounded feet
bad blood and all, filthy, filthy, dirty childs
acid words sugar coating memories, arsenic
poison drippling, scurrling, eating, eating
love, mummy love, mummy loves y’all, really
truly loves y’all bounden, submissive, quiet
living abortions, lucky mummy loves y’all,
lying mouths tied with filthy rags soaked in bad blood
hold y’alls tongue, be sticking up for yours mum
mum’s the word, thicker than blood, sticking—stickling
mummy love, loves y’all silent, laved in mummy blood
bad blood and all, filthy, filthy, dirty childs
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AnonEmotus reviewed Version 1 -
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i like the repeated usage of “acid” since it allows the stanzas to flow very well. in my opinion, the opening lines are a good contrast to the choppy, fast-paced wording throughout each stanza. it allows me as a reader to stay focused on a concrete image and i can build up from there. if i may ask, does the acid (be it as a noun or adjective) serve as some motif? i also find the references to blood signifiny the unbreakable bond between mother and child. “bad blood” reminds me that the mother is demented and has corrupted her children (both biologically and through her psychotic treatment towards them).
overall, it’s very well-constructed and although it comes off as more “telling,” the wording does provide the reader with their own interpretation of the situation. i can truly identify with events in the poem.
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Willow_Wren reviewed Version 1 -
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There is a lot of energy in this poem and the phrases and words race along the page of disgusting images and contradictory words and actions. Sounds like a highly dysfunctional mother on the edge of psychosis who drove her children mad with confusion and abuse. However, so many adjectives and fast paced phrasing doesn’t make up for the lack of showing, it’s still more telling and it’s hard to decipher what really went on, to identify with the victims. I think this was an excellent start and has a lot going for it, but needs to be tamed and expanded upon.
Lozfaceee reviewed Version 1 -
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there are few spelling mistakes.
I like the way you’ve written it the way it should be said.
there are a couple of lines where the words/sentences don’t fit into the pattern as well.
4Nalon reviewed Version 1 -
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This writing is very unique, I have never read anything like it before. I feel the writer shows a talent for being their own person and speaks from the heart instead of the mind.
bjohnny reviewed Version 1 -
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this is morose in its intention and result,it reminds me of a film called Bad Boy Bubby.it reeks of abuse and something i cannot empathize with.it makes you treasure your own childhood in the fact you did not inherit a mommy dearest.this is sad and may be drawn upon by many a reader, just not me.
varo_borja reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure what region of the South you’re trying to pull off, but it’s not working. Maybe try using “you’uns” instead of “y’all” so much, and drop “childs” and pick up “chirren”. Your vocabulary is good, but the constant commas irritate me and seem excessive instead of adding to the flow of the poem. Correct me if I’m wrong, but this poem is about the archetypal mother; maybe add some references to a spider’s web along with the decaying corpse allusions. ”Laved in mummy blood” is a good line, if a little disturbing. The OCD references are good, I think, but a little excessive. Maybe I missed it, but a hands washing reference would be very apropos. Southern mothers and grandmothers are all about hand washing, especially before meals and after sneezing, and as a resident of the South for thirty-three years I can attest that holding your tongue isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and more than a few dyed in the wool Baptists drop the word “Papist” when referring to the shivering denizens of the Church of Rome, and William Faulkner was known on occasion to use a run-on sentence or two. Peace.
ruthybird reviewed Version 1 -
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Seems to me this is a very graphic depiction of poverty and a sardonic “mummy loves y’all” because she tortures her children. Interesting stream of consciousness, reminiscent of Ginsberg. Nothing bad to say about it.
epifany1704 reviewed Version 1 -
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I absolutly loved this piece. It reminded me of some….I can’t pin-point the memory but it was nostalgic for me. I felt moved almost to cry. I felt as if the story were of an impoverised african-american family perhaps in the 40’s or some such time, I wonder if you have ever read “The Bluest Eye” by Toni Morrison? If not I believe that you may be moved by this novel, your work reflects to me the emotions I felt while reading this novel. Be proud, Toni Morrison is a very accomplished lady. Congradulations, I wouldn’t change a thing!!!
StefanVincent reviewed Version 1 -
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The vernacular in this piece is kind of hard to follow, but it has the right tone for Halloween time. Theres a couple of made up words in there, like scurrling and drippling. Usually i would write those off as typos but they appear multiple times in the poem. Good use of the word “laved” though.
buffalowolf reviewed Version 1 -
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The deep saddness is overpowering. This leads me to believe it really was experienced. How brave are you to tell the truth. I could add nothing to improve such a soul beating, beatened soul crying out to be heard. Validating your own perception … excellent, my friend.
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